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Married lesbian with spouse who has Alzheimer’s late stage in a nursing care facility


New member
Oct 28, 2017
My wife has been having more and more behaviors when it comes to sitting down in a chair or commode. Stiffens up to regifting and screams top of her lungs I know it’s the fear and this is common but having a difficult time coping. We have been married 12years. Normally she is euphoric, laughing and nonsense speech


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Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
Welcome to TP, I just wonder if this has come on quite quickly could she have undetected infection may be a UTI? Maybe she could be checked for that, or maybe a low dose of an anti anxiety medication to stop her being so frightened?
Now you have found us please keep posting, we are a friendly helpful group.


Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
Hi and welcome from me too.

I wondered about a urine infection as well. Both my mum and my husband often had UTIs and the behaviour/demeanour changed markedly when they had them.


Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
hi @Dmarce39
welcome from me too
I agree about the UTI possibility
and also with your comment about you wife's fear and anxiety - my dad has more trouble these days sitting down - it's such an everyday manoeuvre that I think we all forget how tricky it is - after all the chair/commode is behind and so you're taking a bit of a leap of faith to sit down and expect it to be where it should be, so that there's no falling backwards (a horrible feeling) - at least that's where I think the reactions come from
so, with dad, I talk him through the stages slowly and gently - I make sure he knows he's going to sit down - I get him to position himself so he can feel the edge of the seat on the back of his legs, and I ask if he can (he is still able to tell me) - I then ask for one hand and tell him I'm going to put it on the chair arm/handrail so that he knows where that is and has a firm grip - if he's pretty steady standing, I then do this for the other hand - if not, or if he's already starting to sit, I make sure his bum is going to be far enough onto the seat and gently put my hand on his back NO PUSHING or pulling as that really upsets him unless he's going to miss - when he is on the seat, still with his hands on the arms/rails, I tell him to push his bum right to the back of the seat, so that he is well planted there - then he can sit back or whatever else is required
sorry if this is teaching grandma to suck eggs - I started this as it just seemed sensible to me and dad is a lot happier doing anything if he is talked through it - but I have seen a carer in dad's home with residents and they have somehow expected the resident to know that they are helping them to sit by 'helping' them into the chair without telling them that they were about to 'fall' backwards, and that's when a resident has yelled and reacted - I would too - I've done it so much with dad now that it seems the carers have watched and learned
not saying this will solve your situation, just offering as a possibility
best wishes

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