Today is particularly hard, it’s our ruby wedding anniversary. We are lucky, we can still go out to lunch and do this sort of thing. But the hard bit is knowing that things are so different now, and it seems that only I can see how very different he is. Family and friends just say how well he looks and he holds a conversation with them and they look at me as if it is me that has got dementia and that I’m making it up. It makes me question myself, but I know that he isn’t the same person he was just a few short months ago. Will it ever get easier? I know it won’t, and I am so frightened as to what the future might hold. We have no real family or friends to help, or to give me a break. And in any case, they all think he is fine, so why do I need a break. Because today is a special day, married 40 years is something we should be proud of, we did go out for a lovely lunch together. I made an effort to get us both dressed and ready. I was desperate for him to tell me I looked nice. But that just doesn’t happen like it used to. It’s like he doesn’t really see me anymore, all I’m there for is to look after him and make sure everything runs smoothly as and when he demands it. It’s sometimes like I don’t exist. Thank you for reading this... just writing it down helps me, but I don’t think I will ever accept where we are and how we are. How can I? I don’t want to be where I am. I want to be where we were 40, 30, 10 years ago. But, I have some wonderful memories. Trouble is, my memories make me cry because I want to be back with them.... and that will never happen.