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Manipulating, aggressive and Driving knowing she has been banned.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by janey106, Apr 27, 2015.

  1. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    Title of thread says it all. Too detailed to even recount last 72 hours but feel like we are in the Twilight zone. Thought we had found all her keys but No, yesterday refused to come to mine for dinner with Dad, Dad so desperate for sane company came anyway. Mum found hidden keys, drives to her sisters 8 miles away and makes her ring us to taunt us. (DCLA revoked license 5 weeks ago and she knows it but doesn't care). She gets home, threatens to run me over when I refuse to let her drive off again. Found keys she had re-hidden and my OH now disabled her car with battery leads removed. Throws glass, wine, enamel dish to floor. Vile obscene language and sounds very lucid and some of what she says is true .... But 10 years ago or longer. Dad at breaking point, never seen him so angry then in tears; Mum just being a ***** to him. Sorry, sanity of all of us in question. My sister on final day of a week away and Ill at the thought of returning to all this.
    Sorry, just needed to offload. Family meeting on Wednesday with health professionals .... Let's see.
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    What a nightmare for you janey.
  3. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    Janey, sending supportive hugs. So difficult for you all. If in the midst of all this you can write some details down so you can hand that to the "health professionals" (or send it in advance) - that can be helpful in establishing and sharing the facts when you are all going to (understandably) be stressed, tired and emotional. Keep posting, it helps to write how you feel and what is happening as it gets things straight in your head and relieves the pressure a little bit. Take care x
  4. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    I would take your Dad to stay with you and then report your Mum as a vulnerable adult. I think you need to get the authorities to sit up and notice the need for extra help/medication and fear you may have to force their hand.
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    What a worry :(
    Im glad you have stopped her driving, but be aware she may persuade someone to fix it for her :rolleyes:
    I think that if she threatened your dad it would be a good idea for the police to be called as they can send reports to social services which might prod them into action.
  6. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    Car & Driving

    Remove the car completely.
    Don't ask or say that your doing it.
    If you think she might report it stolen, inform the police as to what and why you are doing it.
    She will create, once she realises what's happened, but should she have an accident, and hurt herself, or heaven forbid, someone else, then ........

    Be strong, what you are doing is right for her, and Dad.

  7. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    Oh my goodness, Janey, this is a real nightmare for you all. Well done your OH for managing to disable the car. One problem tempoarily solved.

    Is your mum usually so er... awkward? I only ask because my mum, normally fairly amenable, would turn into a fire breathing dragon whenever she got a uti. Just a thought.

    So sorry your dad and you are going through this. It is heartbreaking to see our mums behave so irrationally isn't it?
  8. trigger

    trigger Account on hold

    Aug 25, 2009
    Plymstock Devon
    We see so many threads related to Driving and it’s obvious that there are Divers who shouldn’t be Driving , not all have medical conditions many are just incompetent some are incapable and this should be address for safety reasons , but there are hundreds of Drivers with a diagnoses of dementia who live very active lives and are Very capable possibly 80% would have taken a disability driving assessment to prove they are capable . maybe the government / DVLA should think of introducing an driving test every 5 years up to age of fifty and every 1 year from fifty onwards a test for all drivers all ages , I would like to know the number of accidents cause by drivers with a Pre diagnosed dementia I suspect the number would be very low , all to often when an elderly person has been involve in an accident its reported they suffered from dementia to me that’s just a cop out obviously they had dementia before driving car and should be prosecuted for not informing the DVLA .
  9. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    Thank you all for your replies. I took matters into my own hands again yesterday morning and at 9 rang the mental health team, told them everything that happened over weekend and that if they didn't listen now they could have two dead or injured old people on their hands and serious Incident reviews looming. Within the hour her GP (useless up to now) has been ringing them offering support, mental health team talked about bringing her in(sectioning.) for assessment but at last minute arranged Consultant Psychiatrist to assess today so let's see what happens. Her Mental health OT has been very proactive and I do feel she is now being listened to as well.
    Just feel that at last they are seeing how bad it's becoming and more help needed.
    Will post again, thank you again.
  10. kingybell

    kingybell Registered User

    Feb 3, 2015
    Good that you are now being listened to. My mil is very erratic at times and thank god she never learnt to drive because I fear we would be in the same situation.
    Keep going, I know it seems like a hard slog but you are doing the right things.
  11. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Hi Janey, it sounds horrible but perhaps if your mother is sectioned, it might be better in the long run. My mother was sectioned 3 times altogether, once when my sister and I brought her to hospital for a diagnosis and Mum ran wild, and twice out of the nursing home because her behaviour was violent and physically aggressive. It was devastating for all of us but these did serve their purpose. Thinking of you.
  12. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Well done, Janey, I'm sure that was a difficult phone call to make but you did the right thing. Many here have said that you have to really shout to be heard sometimes, and that is just what you did.

    I'm sure it's scary/upsetting/difficult/many other things, to think about her being sectioned, but certainly in the case of my own mother, it was precisely what needed to happen to get her the care she so desperately needed.

    I'm glad to hear she will get an assessment with the psychiatrist today. If you get a chance, and feel up to it, please do let us know what happens.

    Whatever happens, we're thinking of you.
  13. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Well done, Janey. It must have been difficult but you might have saved a life.
  14. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    Mum reluctant but went to see Psychiatrist and OT drove her there with Dad and Sister travelling separate. She refused to let my Dad or Sister go in with her but OT spoke out and told Psychiatrist all the concerns. He said he wanted her to agree to be admitted for full assessment but she refused point blank and he judged she still had sufficient capacity. However, he also told her plainly that she is on a new medication from tomorrow and if she doesn't take it, if her aggression or mood worsens or she is no better in 3 weeks he will make that decision for her and she will be admitted. It feels like progress of a sort but just worried how it will develop. I know there is no happy ending but at least if everyone is safe that's a start.
    I feel like I'm running away but on Saturday I am flying to Sri Lanka to meet up with my daughter who has been travelling 4 months, been booked 6 months and desperately in need of break and positive time. So lucky I can do this knowing my Sister is there but feel like I'm leaving a ticking time bomb. Told Dad I'd cancel but says he wants me to do it for him.
    Feels like I'm in that Twilight Zone ...... Can't quite believe where we have come to.... But I guess none of us do.
  15. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    Hi Bod,
    We have found all her keys in various hiding places and OH disabled it completely by removing battery leads but you are right, removing it has to be next step to minimise reminders. It is the fact that we were protecting her and other road users and pedestrians that kept us going. Could not contemplate the risk any more. No-one ever said 'right' was 'easiest'
  16. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Janey, you are correct, often the "right" thing to do is not the easiest thing to do, but you did do the right thing. You have to consider safety--which you did.

    I definitely understand you feel a bit like you're running away from the situation but maybe if you think about how important it is for you to spend time with your daughter, it will help you a bit with perspective. That Twilight Zone feeling is pervasive, isn't it?

    Have a great trip (and you DO deserve a break) and keep us updated when you can.
  17. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Janey - you must go; you must savour every moment so that you can come back fresh and able to face this misery again, which will be waiting for you, unchanged, on your return. Your dad needs to see it in your face that you've had some respite. It will boost him if you do. Don't go and spend your time worrying about what might or might not be happening at home. There are others who will step up to the plate but they may feel it's a bit pointless if you don't let go emotionally. I know this is how my brother felt when he started to take up his share of the slack but I was still anguished. He gave me a big talking to and it helped me. As he pointed out, I was doing no good but I was hurting myself big time.
    Well done with the latest developments. You and your family are awesome.
  18. trigger

    trigger Account on hold

    Aug 25, 2009
    Plymstock Devon
    Driving and dementia Overview

    If you have dementia and you want to carry on driving, this information sheet will tell you what you must do to make sure you are driving legally. It will also help families and friends who are worried about whether someone with dementia should still be driving.

    Can people with dementia drive?

    The short answer is maybe. Many people with dementia are able to continue driving for some time following diagnosis.

    People with a diagnosis of dementia often want to continue driving. Driving can be part of maintaining independence and an active life. Most people in the early stages of dementia are physically capable of controlling a car. The basic skills of driving become almost automatic to most drivers, and people with dementia will keep these skills for a considerable time after diagnosis.

    British law assumes as its starting point that you have a right to drive. The law only intervenes when medical conditions impair driving ability. The legal position is that a driver has to be able to drive on his or her own, without help from anyone else. The aim is to allow people to continue to drive if possible.

    However, dementia affects reaction speed and decision-making. People with dementia may be slower to react, especially under stress. For example, they may have problems in busy traffic, or when something unexpected happens, such as another car stopping suddenly. Research shows that people with dementia are more likely to be involved in accidents than other people.

    So: you may be able to carry on driving, but it is important to make sure you are still safe to drive.
  19. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    The OP makes clear that the DVLA have revoked the license.
  20. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    I just wanted to congratulate you, your Dad and other members of your family for behaving in such a loving, responsible way to each other and to strangers who might be put at risk by your Mum's actions.

    I'm so glad there's movement and the future looks as if it might be more manageable than the recent past has been.
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