Mam's first Christmas in a home, what to do

[Graybiker]

not sure where to start, though I'm sure this situation is familiar to many of you.

Mam has been in a home for 2 months. After much discussion, we (my father, me and my daughter), thought the best plan would be to bring mam to my house in the morning, open stockings etc, then take her back to the home for Xmas dinner, partly because I'm not making one this year, but that's another story
Anyway, it was her 80th birthday this week and Sat afternoon we took her out of the home, for the first time, and for a meal in an Italian retaurant Nearby. All went as well as can be expected and after 2 1/2 hours, we took her back to the home.

When we got there, she refused to get out of the car. Said we had tricked her, we were abandoning her etc.
Got one of the carers to come out hoping mam would recognise her. She did and I have to say, she was brilliant with her. After half an hour, with the poor carer standing in the freezing cold, we got mam inside.

My problem now is, what do we do for Christmas?
Dad was sobbing when she wouldn't get out the car and says he can't go through that again.

What do I do?
I wish this horrible thing came with an instruction manual
Sorry for the long post. Feeling a bit lost.
X

 

[Soobee]

What do you think is best for your mam? If you made a list of pros and cons, what would come out top?

It might be more settled if you had Christmas with her at the home, rather than trying to take her out if you want to avoid the risk of repeating the upset.

I used to go on Christmas eve and spend time with my mum then, or Boxing Day. I think we made it as similar to previous Christmases as possible, played games and pulled crackers etc.

 

[Kevinl]

I often wonder why some (not all) people take a resident out of the home. For some it works well, for others it's a disaster, some come back no problem, others come in grudgingly but some are practically dragged in and as soon as the relatives leave they kick off big time with both the staff and the other residents, all so someone thinks that a trip out is good for them.
I don't have any delusions about how hard some people find it visiting a care home, it's not easy specially if there are people with challenging behaviour there but it is now your mum's world and it might be better to live in her world for a while rather than reminding her of what she's missing out on, your world.
Like last year I'll go and visit about 11am, dinner at 12ish and stay until it's the right time to go. Last year it was about 8pm when she was ready for bed.
I appreciate you probably can't do that but could you all go and visit, leave dad there and collect him when he's ready?
K

 

[Graybiker]

What do you think is best for your mam? If you made a list of pros and cons, what would come out top?

It might be more settled if you had Christmas with her at the home, rather than trying to take her out if you want to avoid the risk of repeating the upset.

I used to go on Christmas eve and spend time with my mum then, or Boxing Day. I think we made it as similar to previous Christmases as possible, played games and pulled crackers etc.

Thanks for replying. Your question is a tough one. What mam wants is one thing, what is best for her, I honestly don't know? What she wants most is to be home with her family, but if that means going through all that upset when she goes back, is it worth it?
And although mam is the priority, I also have to think of my dad and my daughter. It's just so flaming hard!

 

[Graybiker]

I often wonder why some (not all) people take a resident out of the home. For some it works well, for others it's a disaster, some come back no problem, others come in grudgingly but some are practically dragged in and as soon as the relatives leave they kick off big time with both the staff and the other residents, all so someone thinks that a trip out is good for them.
I don't have any delusions about how hard some people find it visiting a care home, it's not easy specially if there are people with challenging behaviour there but it is now your mum's world and it might be better to live in her world for a while rather than reminding her of what she's missing out on, your world.
Like last year I'll go and visit about 11am, dinner at 12ish and stay until it's the right time to go. Last year it was about 8pm when she was ready for bed.
I appreciate you probably can't do that but could you all go and visit, leave dad there and collect him when he's ready?
K

Thanks for the reply Kevin, it's appreciated.
As I said, mam has only been in the home a short while and as it was a special birthday, dad really wanted to take her out, as we would normally do. This was the first time and I think we had to at least try, otherwise we would never know.
Thankfully, the staff were brilliant and once we got her in they brought a tray of coffee etc and we stayed for another hour and a half. She was quite happy when we left and when we went today staff said she'd been fine and had a good night. She looked well today, happy and with it.
We are thinking now it is probably best to go there in the morning, open stockings etc then leave, but we still can't be sure how that will go.
I'm trying here, and have done for years,but it all being so new, her being in a home, it's not easy.
I have my mam to think of, my dad, who is lost without her but can't bear visiting the home, and my daughter, who has numerous mental health problems as well as a brain tumour.
But I'm sure we'll think of something.
Thanks again x

 

[Graybiker]

Since mam has been n the home I visit a minimum of 5 days a week, staying for at least 2 hours each time.
They had a celebration on Fri, which was mam's birthday, because an arts/dementia project they had been working on was finished. We had the mayor, the leader of the council etc. I volunteered to help set things up and was thanked in the very short speeches, for being a family member who had been there each week and participated. Not only with my mam but other residents too. I know lots by name now and am asked for help or hugs on a regular basis.
We put off taking mam out on her birthday so she wouldn't miss out. Both me and my daughter were there for 5 hours on Friday.
I'm not saying this for praise or anything else, just trying to say that we are trying hard to be a part of mam's life in the home. It doesn't make it any easier when it comes to our 1st Xmas without her.
I'm sure some will understand our struggle
X

 

[Linbrusco]

I totally get where you are coming from Graybiker.
My Mum went into care August last year. Although she coped leaving the care home, out for a drive, to a local shop, to a local cafe, getting her back was a bit fraught with a lot of distraction, and love lies, occasionally she would be fine, no dramas.
In the beginning, we would visit practically 5-6 days a week, between me, my sister, my brother and takng Dad.
I was Mums main carer for past 4 yrs so I was able to be a bit more hands off, but my sister was there for 2-3 hrs at a time.
Christmas last year, we took Mum out , to my sisters for Chfistmas Lunch. Mum was good for the first few hours, but then as she got tired, the confusion, and agitation set in. Didnt help with Dad ( who has never understtod Mums Alz) would tell her " You'll be going back to the hospital soon" ..... of course Mum was like " what are you talking about, what hospital" .... we distracted Mum, while signalling to Dad to say nothing, we got a bit distracted ourselves, and then Mum fell trying to sit on a chair.
She got a huge fright, not hurt, but we had no option to take her back on the premise that we needed a nurse to check her over. Mum was quite fine going back.
Now a year later, Mums dementia has advanced majorly, we have only been abke to take her out once in 5 mnths, but she will go on the weekly van outings.
We just set her anxiety off, if we take her out of the care home. We have even had to reduce our visits to 3x a week, maximum an hour.
This Christmas, my sister is building a house, so cant take Mum there. We cannot take Mum to mine ( too complicated with Dad) and in fact I dont think Mum would cope.
I think the plan is we will take turns to visit Mum at the care home Christmas Day.
Its not we want or like, but reality & practicality rules the day.

 

[Marcelle123]

My mother is now very ill at the care home where she's been for a year.

Like you, we had to find a home for her just before Christmas, and Mum was angry about it, though it's been a wonderful place for her.

In the early stages I was always afraid to take her out of the home in case she refused to re-enter it, and more latterly I didn't want to take her out because of toileting and confusion issues.

What I did last Christmas was pop in at about eleven o'clock to open cards and presents and chat with her for an hour. Then I left her to have Christmas dinner with the other residents, which was naturally a lovely meal presented in a very festive way.

In the afternoon John and I went in for a longer stretch, to play dominoes, which she used to love. However, after two or three hours, she got tired and snappy so we had to go.

If my mother had been in normal health this year, I was planning to visit for half an hour just before lunch to open presents and take photos, then go back in the afternoon for only an hour, which I would spend reading to her, as dominoes demanded too much concentration for her latterly.

I think you should visit your mother in the home and try to think what she would like and what she would tolerate. It would only make her unhappy if you took her out and once again she made a fuss about going back. Don't feel guilty about that - you would be thinking primarily about your mother, not yourselves, which is the very essence of Christmas.

Very best wishes - I remember how worried I was in the early stages before Mum settled. Now I am so grateful that we found such a caring home for her, with such wonderful carers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PS - If Mum is still with us at Christmas and still capable of enjoying it, I will go in on Christmas Eve to listen to the carols on television with her. She loves carols and has always loved Christmas Eve.

 

[Jessbow]

Nursing homes tend ( in my experience) to pull out all the stops at christmas and are very joyful places to be.
Could you arrange for your Dad to stay with mum for christmas day you'd have to pay for his lunch undoubtedly but I'm sure he could be accommodated if its something he'd like to do.

 

[father ted]

Graybiker, if I were in your shoes I would visit it her in the home at Christmas and not try to take her out again, far too stressful for all of you.
Christmas time there is so much emphasis on families being together you see it in adverts on TV with multi generational families around a huge table with a feast of food all laughing and playing games. Well I don't know about anyone else but my Christmas is not like that. We have a decent dinner around a small table the odd visitor might pop around either side of Christmas but our Christmas is quiet and small. Adverts never show how these family feast accommodate the visitor in a wheelchair having to use a commode out in the hall by the front door or the family member that comes over in a bad mood hell bent on causing trouble or the alcoholic uncle that gets smashed and maudlin and spoils everyone else's day.

I think our desire to make things right, making us think we have done enough makes us do things that aren't always sensible. The home will do their best, go along and help Mum celebrate there, enjoy it and come away that you all have had a nice time and can now relax.

 

[SnowWhite]

I plan to have a chat to my Mum this week about arrangements for Xmas. This may be the first year for decades that she hasn't been with us for Christmas Day. Last year she was in her poor care home and I went and fetched her here for the Day.

Since she's spent several months in hospital and respite places following a fall I honestly don't want to make things worse. She hasn't been in a car since the end of August and I don't think I could manage it safely. The respite home she is in is excellent and the food is brilliant and the whole place is beautifully decorated. They have loads of things planned in the run up to Christmas and I am sure the Xmas Day food will be excellent.

I would of course still visit her on Xmas afternoon.

 

[Rosnpton]

Hi
Mum went into full time care Feb 2016. Almost immediately we would have problems when she was taken out.she would scream,shout hit out etc when we tried to go back.at this point she was still walking with a frame.
By Dec she couldn't even attende hospital appointments unless at least 2 adults went with her.
We arranged for dad and my brother to have Xmas lunch at the care homework it's her,and the rest of us-2grandaughters,son in law and me went over for a couple of hours in the afternoon.we did the presents then,played some games and joined in with a sing a long. We all left together at 4pm before it became too much for her.
We have arranged the same this year.
Those who are around will go after lunch,dad and brother eating with her. I give a cash donation for dads meal,and as my brother is vegan,I take a prepared meal I've frozen and the kitchen to reheat and add veggies.
Same with the pud and cake-a vegan friendly one taken in advance.

It means we are running around as brother doesn't drive etc,and need to use at least 2cars as dad rather on the large size,and we have to take his walking frame,but mum is less agitated and last year seemed to enjoy it.
The staff had encouraged her to choose which colour table cloth,napkins etc she wanted on 'her'table. She helped set the table,and had put a big pile of crackers on the table.
I like to think she got some enjoyment out of the day.

Ros

 

[Baker17]

I am going for Christmas dinner with my husband as I don’t know what would happen if I brought him home for the day, when I asked the home about visiting on Christmas Day they immediately said come for dinner so I think will be a good solution for us, looking forward to it

 

[Graybiker]

I totally get where you are coming from Graybiker.
My Mum went into care August last year. Although she coped leaving the care home, out for a drive, to a local shop, to a local cafe, getting her back was a bit fraught with a lot of distraction, and love lies, occasionally she would be fine, no dramas.
In the beginning, we would visit practically 5-6 days a week, between me, my sister, my brother and takng Dad.
I was Mums main carer for past 4 yrs so I was able to be a bit more hands off, but my sister was there for 2-3 hrs at a time.
Christmas last year, we took Mum out , to my sisters for Chfistmas Lunch. Mum was good for the first few hours, but then as she got tired, the confusion, and agitation set in. Didnt help with Dad ( who has never understtod Mums Alz) would tell her " You'll be going back to the hospital soon" ..... of course Mum was like " what are you talking about, what hospital" .... we distracted Mum, while signalling to Dad to say nothing, we got a bit distracted ourselves, and then Mum fell trying to sit on a chair.
She got a huge fright, not hurt, but we had no option to take her back on the premise that we needed a nurse to check her over. Mum was quite fine going back.
Now a year later, Mums dementia has advanced majorly, we have only been abke to take her out once in 5 mnths, but she will go on the weekly van outings.
We just set her anxiety off, if we take her out of the care home. We have even had to reduce our visits to 3x a week, maximum an hour.
This Christmas, my sister is building a house, so cant take Mum there. We cannot take Mum to mine ( too complicated with Dad) and in fact I dont think Mum would cope.
I think the plan is we will take turns to visit Mum at the care home Christmas Day.
Its not we want or like, but reality & practicality rules the day.

Thank you so much for replying, it's so difficult to know what's best isn't it.
Both my dad and my daughter will be coming to me for the day and unfortunately I'm the only one who drives, so no option but to all visit together. As much as I'd love to have her home, we have pretty much decided it will be best to leave her there
I hope your Xmas goes well
X

 

[Graybiker]

My mother is now very ill at the care home where she's been for a year.

Like you, we had to find a home for her just before Christmas, and Mum was angry about it, though it's been a wonderful place for her.

In the early stages I was always afraid to take her out of the home in case she refused to re-enter it, and more latterly I didn't want to take her out because of toileting and confusion issues.

What I did last Christmas was pop in at about eleven o'clock to open cards and presents and chat with her for an hour. Then I left her to have Christmas dinner with the other residents, which was naturally a lovely meal presented in a very festive way.

In the afternoon John and I went in for a longer stretch, to play dominoes, which she used to love. However, after two or three hours, she got tired and snappy so we had to go.

If my mother had been in normal health this year, I was planning to visit for half an hour just before lunch to open presents and take photos, then go back in the afternoon for only an hour, which I would spend reading to her, as dominoes demanded too much concentration for her latterly.

I think you should visit your mother in the home and try to think what she would like and what she would tolerate. It would only make her unhappy if you took her out and once again she made a fuss about going back. Don't feel guilty about that - you would be thinking primarily about your mother, not yourselves, which is the very essence of Christmas.

Very best wishes - I remember how worried I was in the early stages before Mum settled. Now I am so grateful that we found such a caring home for her, with such wonderful carers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PS - If Mum is still with us at Christmas and still capable of enjoying it, I will go in on Christmas Eve to listen to the carols on television with her. She loves carols and has always loved Christmas Eve.

 

[Graybiker]

Thank you for your reply, so helpful hearing others experiences.
I think we're decided that bringing her out of the home wouldbe just too difficult for all concerned. I'll take my dad and dd to see her in the morning, after I've picked them up. Going for a longer visit on Christmas Eve is a good idea, think I'll do that myself
Hope you have a peaceful Christmas
X

 

[Graybiker]

Nursing homes tend ( in my experience) to pull out all the stops at christmas and are very joyful places to be.
Could you arrange for your Dad to stay with mum for christmas day you'd have to pay for his lunch undoubtedly but I'm sure he could be accommodated if its something he'd like to do.

I'd happily stay there for the day, unfortunately dad doesn't want to mix with the other residents so it would be a no from him. That means if I stay there he'd be on his own with no dinner
I think we'll be visiting in the morning then back to my house with dad and dd. It will be very hard leaving her though I'm sure the home will make sure she has a nice day.
Hope your day goes well
X

 

[Graybiker]

Graybiker, if I were in your shoes I would visit it her in the home at Christmas and not try to take her out again, far too stressful for all of you.
Christmas time there is so much emphasis on families being together you see it in adverts on TV with multi generational families around a huge table with a feast of food all laughing and playing games. Well I don't know about anyone else but my Christmas is not like that. We have a decent dinner around a small table the odd visitor might pop around either side of Christmas but our Christmas is quiet and small. Adverts never show how these family feast accommodate the visitor in a wheelchair having to use a commode out in the hall by the front door or the family member that comes over in a bad mood hell bent on causing trouble or the alcoholic uncle that gets smashed and maudlin and spoils everyone else's day.

I think our desire to make things right, making us think we have done enough makes us do things that aren't always sensible. The home will do their best, go along and help Mum celebrate there, enjoy it and come away that you all have had a nice time and can now relax.

Thanks, you are right of course and we've had a few disastrous Christmas Days these last few years, hence why I'm not going all out with the dinner!
I'll take dad and dd to visit in the morning, I know the home will look after her well and they have said that so far, allnthe residents are staying there, none being taken out. This surprised me but was also anlittle comforting.
Hope you enjoy your quiet Christmas
X

 

[Graybiker]

I plan to have a chat to my Mum this week about arrangements for Xmas. This may be the first year for decades that she hasn't been with us for Christmas Day. Last year she was in her poor care home and I went and fetched her here for the Day.

Since she's spent several months in hospital and respite places following a fall I honestly don't want to make things worse. She hasn't been in a car since the end of August and I don't think I could manage it safely. The respite home she is in is excellent and the food is brilliant and the whole place is beautifully decorated. They have loads of things planned in the run up to Christmas and I am sure the Xmas Day food will be excellent.

I would of course still visit her on Xmas afternoon.

Thanks for replying.
It's so hard. I think this will be the first time in my life that I haven't had Christmas dinner with my mam and
I'm dreading it, she'll be such a big miss
I'll take dad and dd to visit in the morning, I'm hoping I'll get the opportunity to spend lots of time with her on
Christmas Eve, though that will depend on the demands of dad and dd too. Being the only driver doesn't help either
I hope your Christmas goes well
X

 

[Graybiker]

Hi
Mum went into full time care Feb 2016. Almost immediately we would have problems when she was taken out.she would scream,shout hit out etc when we tried to go back.at this point she was still walking with a frame.
By Dec she couldn't even attende hospital appointments unless at least 2 adults went with her.
We arranged for dad and my brother to have Xmas lunch at the care homework it's her,and the rest of us-2grandaughters,son in law and me went over for a couple of hours in the afternoon.we did the presents then,played some games and joined in with a sing a long. We all left together at 4pm before it became too much for her.
We have arranged the same this year.
Those who are around will go after lunch,dad and brother eating with her. I give a cash donation for dads meal,and as my brother is vegan,I take a prepared meal I've frozen and the kitchen to reheat and add veggies.
Same with the pud and cake-a vegan friendly one taken in advance.

It means we are running around as brother doesn't drive etc,and need to use at least 2cars as dad rather on the large size,and we have to take his walking frame,but mum is less agitated and last year seemed to enjoy it.
The staff had encouraged her to choose which colour table cloth,napkins etc she wanted on 'her'table. She helped set the table,and had put a big pile of crackers on the table.
I like to think she got some enjoyment out of the day.

Ros

That sounds lovely and I'd be happy to spend the day there, but my dad won't contemplate it, he doesn't want anything to do with the other residents. If I did that, he'd be left alone or with just my dd, neither of whom can make anything like a Xmas dinner!
I'm hoping to spend lots of time with her on Xmas Eve, she always loved that.
Hope your day goes well
X