Mama mia!

[jc141265]

My mum stayed at my place last night and the previous night. The first night she came down for her weekly visit with Dad, and then to my surprise she asked to stay the next night because she had seen some matresses on sale that she wanted to buy. Of course I told her I was happy for her to stay (people who know my rocky relationship with my mother, would know that there was some effort involved in maintaining a happy smiling face about it, but despite my problems with my mother, which she seems to be completely oblivious too, I am not one to kick a woman when she is down, and her husband, my father has dementia and is in a home, so as you all know you can't get much more down than that).

Anyway when I got up this morning she told me that she would soon be up and off to get the mattresses and go home. I asked in a very ligh unconcerned tone, 'Are you going to visit Dad today?' and was stunned when she said no with out a blink of an eyelid. My mother lives two hours drive away from my Dad's 'home', she won't be back for another week.

I know its probably very hard for her, and perhaps she didn't feel emotionally up to it, but I just don't understand how she can tell me how this is ripping her apart and yet she drove past where he lives today four times (because she forgot something at my house and came down to my husband's business place, and Dad's home is on the road in between the two places) without going in. I know i know, from firsthand experience how hard it is to visit, but she expects me to visit him daily, and adds to my guilt with her words when I don't manage it all of the time.

I do believe the woman sent my father crazy and is sending me there too!

 

[dmc]

hi nat
it seems to me as if your mum is thinking as long as you go to visit, and your dad has someone there she dosent have to feel guilty about not going, its very hard when you have a parent who is quite dominant my dad seems to think all he has to do is pick the phone up and i'll come running (which i usually do) i know i make a rod for my own back but what can you do guilt is a hard thing to live with,
all we can do is the best we can,
take care try not and let her send you too crazy!!
best wishes

 

[Sheila]

Dear Nat, there is some truth in what dmc says. All the time someone else takes the strain, your Mum feels OK about them doing so. She probably doesn't even think about it. She did her usual visit and thats that in her eyes. That is her caring strategy and how she copes with it. Sadly that does not help you at all though does it? We all deal with this illness in different ways, yours is to do all you can for your Dad, to visit as much as you possibly can and to try to make him feel happy and very much still a part of your life. Your Mum is doing the opposite, distancing herself from the hurt she feels when she visits someone who to look at is the same, but is no longer the wonderful man she married. There is no real answer to it all, but you could gently remind her that you do visit a great deal and if occasionally you can't, then she must accept that. Dont let the blighters drag you down, thinking of you, oh how I hate this awful disease, luvanhugs, She. XX

 

[dmc]

hi sheila
thanks for that, its what i meant to say im just not very good at putting it into words i think im better taking advice than giving.

 

[Sheila]

Hi dmc, you said it very well, I just wanted to back you up. Never worry about getting things perfect, the main thing is to air and share on here just as you have, that way we can all be part of the TP family. No one need ever feel alone with the worry this illness brings to our door, just as long as we can get on line and bash away. Lotsaluv, She. XX

 

[dmc]

thanks sheila
providing i can beat my son to the computer
i'll give it a good go!!
cheers x