mam goes into care home tomorrow

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by oldsoulchild, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. oldsoulchild

    oldsoulchild Registered User

    Apr 16, 2008
    54
    hi everyone
    well
    after a quick deterioration and becoming more and more unsafe, ive been told today that mam will go into an emergency care placement tomorrow :(
    i know its the right thing to do but the guilt is creeping in.
    i dont really know what to expect, she's already confused and often doesnt recognise her own home, so it wont matter much where she is going to live so long as she's safe
    can anyone give me any advice on how to deal with the first few weeks and what to expect
    thanks
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,128
    Kent
    Hello oldsoulchild

    If you know it`s the right thing to do, why are you feeling guilty.

    Just think you are now unable to meet your mum`s needs. She needs a team, not one person.

    Give her a week to settle before you visit. If she asks to go home, tell her she needs to build up her strength and then you will talk to the doctor.

    Be prepared to have mood swings yourself. You will feel relief your mother is safe and the responsibility is now shared. then you will feel sadness as she deteriorates further.

    But keep reminding yourself why this decision had to be made.

    And keep posting.
     
  3. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Hi Oldsoul

    Everyone takes a different amount of time to "settle" in a care home, and it is good advice not to visit for a week cos it gives mum time to get to know the staff and the routines, and maybe find a few people to talk to. Grannie G is right if she wants to come home, tell her the doctor thinks it is too early yet, but you'll ask him. You can hopefully carry on with this "deceit" for quite a while until she stops asking. But no guarantees on that I'm afraid. Other people have suggested telling them that the house needs a new roof/central heating system or whatever, and it will take a while to complete. Anything, really, to get over the early period.

    People suggested to me that it could take 6 weeks to settle. With my mum it was 6 months. All the time she was telling me that she was going to get a little flat if she couldn't go back to her house. Then she made a friend - Netta - and she and Netta were going to look for a place together. It was so heartbreaking. It was not until Netta died that mum stopped mentioning it, so I really don't know what I would have done if that hadn't happened.

    But my case seems to be extreme, others report much faster times for acceptance of the situation and some actually enjoy it.

    I hope your mamis in the latter category.

    Stay strong, you have done the right thing, you know you have.
     
  4. sallyc

    sallyc Registered User

    Aug 20, 2008
    1,674
    suffolk
    You've had some good advice there. Please don't feel guilty. Today's bound to be difficult. Try to stay strong. I hope today goes as well as it possibly can for you and your Mum. Love Sal xx
     
  5. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,154
    Female
    Dundee
    Thinking of you today. Izzy x
     

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