Making THAT move to a home for Mum....... Please help

[Kerryblue]

New to this. I read all the posts and find them such a help but still feel No one has a mum quite like miwne!
We have never really been very close although all my life I have felt guilty, bad, never good enough but was so close to my dad.
I knew something was wrong with my mum about three or four years ago as I saw her every day and noticed she was becoming nastier and more forgetful. She has always been quite selfish and nasty to her family but to others she is always a lovely kind sweet old lady. I still do not know how she manages to keep up this act despite having Alzheimer's finally confirmed last year. It took me several years to get anyone to believe that there was a serious problem. I just knew.

Since the end of last year she has deteriorated rapidly. We find it so hard to leave her alone but when we are there she tells us she wants us gone. Then she tells us she is lonely. She forgets to take her pills. She cannot tell you if she has eaten. She has forgotten she cannot drive and has not driven for almost a year. That is another battle..... My brother stays a few nights a week with her. I have been very ill and unable to stay there. My fear of her is so deeply in ground I find it So stressful but I know this is not about me. I just wish she would accept she is ill and accept our help. We do everything for her but she says we don't do anything. We have found a wonderful home for her. Specialists say she needs 24 hour care. I got her to the HOTEL this week for a day and she did have a lovely day. I stayed with her but got home and was physically sick with sheer nerves of it all. Then she says she will NOT leave her house and go anywhere. This week she has fallen over. She loses and hides money, keys you name it. I lie awake all night worrying about her and also knowing it's not her and I cannot reason with her. I feel useless. She does not want me around. Really she just wants my brother who was always her favourite. Now a room will be available at the home. It is the best thing for her. We know that. How do we get her there? They are coming to assess her this week and we plan to say she has to stay for a short time. What if she refuses? Do we not visit for a while? She is physically quite fit although has fallen this week..... all she cares about is going to her keep feet class and where her next meal is coming from. We do all the shopping, cooking, paperwork, everything for her and it has all got too much.
I try to blank everything out but feel guilty that my brother is having to stay there with her some nights but I cannot physically manage there or cope with her. It is a lovely home. Really near and lovely kind staff etc. We tried to get full time carers in or even part time but NO, of course she does not need them as there is nothing wrong with her and I have made it all up. ironically she was well behaved on the day at the home, ate like a horse, enjoyed everything except when we got back she told my brother I was trying to put her away and she would never leave her house. Then she says she is lonely....... Sorry to go on. I cannot sleep and do not know where to turn. My brother is less emotional than me but he has not been around until recently and is now doing his best to help but we both know things cannot continue as they are. My mum treats his wife with contempt as well so she cannot go there for long so he is in the middle too. Any advice would be very gratefully received. I do not know where to turn so thank you if anyone gets to the end of this very lengthy post!!!!

 

[Dementiafriend]

I understand your guilt....you are not alone

This is my first post too! Reading your entry prompted me to respond....

I'm not sure where to start other than to say I understand your guilt. I think it is a natural emotion to experience in such a difficult situation, especially when the relationship with your parent is or was not a good one.

It sounds to me like you are being as supportive as you can be. You could have walked away, but you haven't to your credit. You do have to remember to take care of yourself too though - physically & emotionally.

The move into full time care sounds the best option in the circumstances. How do you manage this?

I can only offer/share my own recent experience. My mom has Alzheimer's (it took 2 years to get her diagnosed) and moved into a care home last week. Its been a very tough week (& year) dealing with this on so many levels.

It has taken a long while for this to happen due to delaying tactics / barriers from my dad (sounds very harsh - but its a very long story - he's the parent I have a difficult relationship with).

Not exactly the same as your situation, but it was clear my dad was not coping and my mom was not getting the best care or stimulation by being cared for at home.

Dad did his best in the circumstances but any support we got in terms of care, my dad rejected it, then wanted it, then rejected it again. Once care was provided, he complained (very, very long story). Finally, we had to step in & put moms needs rather than his first.

The decision to move mom into a care home was not easy and it is still early days. We discussed this fully with family members, her social worker, care home and listening to our gut instinct. The care home staff have been very supportive & reassuring - which is great.

In the end, me & my sister had to take responsibility for the situation - which is what you appear to be doing. None of this is easy, but I / we have had to put my mom's needs first and try and accept my dad's reaction in the short term (I struggle to cope with his daily demands, whilst trying to remain supportive & understanding - when none of this is returned to either me or my sister). My advice would to try and do the same with your mom - but it is not easy.

You also have to remind yourself that you are doing your best - even if your mom does not realise this. Also, that what you are feeling is normal. Hopefully your brother will support you too & coax your mom into moving into the home.

Good luck and remember, you are not on your own & take care of yourself. xxxx

PS my sister & I support each other through this. When I feel not great - she supports me & vice versa. Hopefully, you have this with your brother?

 

[fizzie]

This is so hard for you and for her too.
It is always difficult and well done for getting her there for a day. Would she go if you said you needed to go away for a two weeks and she could go to this place which she has already visited and likes just whilst you are away? It would then give her time to have a chance to become settled or at least to see if she will settle.

i am sure you have tried everything but if not it might be worth a go as you are clearly much better at this than you think you are - you actually managed to get her there for a day - I never managed to get my Ma that far.

You are doing so well managing your own feelings and stress (yes you are managing it just from your post that is easy to see) and helping her too. You have so much compassion.

Good luck with this - please let us know how you get on x

 

[Kerryblue]

Grateful for your replies Fizzie and Dementiafriend

Well here we are 4am again. Dear Fizzie and Dementia Friend thank you for your replies. They mean so much. I am sorry to hear of your own difficulties. I never realised just how cruel this disease is but all you can do is get on, be patient and try to think of the affected person. My mum has always been so narcasstic anyway it's very hard now to see past the past! Which means I swing from being full of sorrow and remorse to feeling surpressed anger as well. I know my brother feels the same way amd says he does what he does now from duty.
I feel too guilty to say anything. With your encouragement we have to make this move. If we don't she will injur herself or worse. I will seeks support from the home today. Start getting things ready to take there while my brother distracts her etc. I fear she will blame me but then she always has which is why we must stick together. Then I think "how would I feel if I was forced into a home after living in my own house for 60 years"? Your practical suggestions are much appreciated I cannot tell you how much. As are the kind words from both of you. We will use the "we are going away" line and that it is temporary. I suppose she will forget about her other house in time. I wonder how long that will take.....I feel so sad for her. I suppose if I am really honest the little girl in me is STILL trying to gain her approval. Even now and of course now I am doing something so against her wishes but for her own safety and well being. It is all so complex. You are both so kind. It helps being able to say all this at last. Any other help very gratefully received. THANKYOU

 

[Pickles53]

I can recognise some of what you say about your relationship with your mum..that feeling of never being good enough I know well.

I got on much better when I realised that it was not possible for me to make mum happy. I could not take the disease away any more than I could cure her arthritis. I also realised that she was not able to think rationally about her situation, so I had to do it for her. Nobody wants to leave their home when they are well, but if they are ill and at risk then keeping them at home is simply not safe.

Honesty is not always the best policy. Blame the doctor if you must, say he wants her to stay at the care home 'until she's a little stronger' or something similar. Say you and your brother are going away for work or holiday. Give her and the staff at the home some time and space to help her settle in. You don't need to be there every day. It will be OK.

You and your brother matter too. Your lives must not be destroyed by this. Guilt has no place in this scenario; you are not responsible for mum getting ill.

You don't mention finance at all, but I'm assuming your mum would be self-funding her care fees if she owns her house. There's lots of advice on TP if you need it.

Good luck with it all and keep posting.

 

[Bod]

On the assumption that the care Home assessment goes well, and will accept her.
Say nothing of the move, only that she and your Brother are going there for lunch(?) one day.
Brother takes her on the day.
Once they are out of sight, you pack mothers bags, enough for a weeks stay, get the bag to the home, staying out of sight.(Care homes do have laundries!)
Brother makes exit.
Care staff see this situation with most new residents, its normal.
Do not even think of visiting for at least a fortnight, let her settle for a while.
Use the time to label all (same as school clothes, both socks!)clothes, and favourite photos, pictures, small furniture etc. that will go to the home.
Contact the staff by all means, to see how she is, but avoid meal times and just afterwards, (very busy times)

It will be hell, the first few times of visiting!!
She will settle, it might take months, but it will happen.

Been there, done that, got the Tee-shirt, as have many others.
It is hard, but the person is better cared for than is possible, under the care/help regime they will accept at home.

Bod

PS Sorting the old house out ready for sale, isn't easy either.

 

[Kerryblue]

Thank you. Such useful and practical support re move to a home for mum

I can recognise some of what you say about your relationship with your mum..that feeling of never being good enough I know well.

I got on much better when I realised that it was not possible for me to make mum happy. I could not take the disease away any more than I could cure her arthritis. I also realised that she was not able to think rationally about her situation, so I had to do it for her. Nobody wants to leave their home when they are well, but if they are ill and at risk then keeping them at home is simply not safe.

Honesty is not always the best policy. Blame the doctor if you must, say he wants her to stay at the care home 'until she's a little stronger' or something similar. Say you and your brother are going away for work or holiday. Give her and the staff at the home some time and space to help her settle in. You don't need to be there every day. It will be OK

You and your brother matter too. Your lives must not be destroyed by this. Guilt has no place in this scenario; you are not responsible for mum getting ill.

You don't mention finance at all, but I'm assuming your mum would be self-funding her care fees if she owns her house. There's lots of advice on TP if you need it.

Good luck with it all and keep posting.

Not even sure if writing in write place. After answers on here already I feel some relief. I just know my mum will be happier. Less like lonely. Safe, well fed, and most importantly she could actually be happy which she is not now. All you say I am noting and will follow as much as possible. This is not about me. It is about her and the guilt has no place here. You are right. I would move in there tomorrow if they would have me just to be looked after and not have to worry! Thank you so much. My heart goes out to all dealing with this dreadful disease. I will keep posting. Thank you. I hope I do not bore people. It is an unknown journey for mum and so many of us. Self funding. She cannot say we are trying to steal her money at least!!

 

[Kerryblue]

Re Practical help to actually move mum into the home

On the assumption that the care Home assessment goes well, and will accept her.
Say nothing of the move, only that she and your Brother are going there for lunch(?) one day.
Brother takes her on the day.
Once they are out of sight, you pack mothers bags, enough for a weeks stay, get the bag to the home, staying out of sight.(Care homes do have laundries!)
Brother makes exit.
Care staff see this situation with most new residents, its normal.
Do not even think of visiting for at least a fortnight, let her settle for a while.
Use the time to label all (same as school clothes, both socks!)clothes, and favourite photos, pictures, small furniture etc. that will go to the home.
Contact the staff by all means, to see how she is, but avoid meal times and just afterwards, (very busy times)


It will be hell, the first few times of visiting!!
She will settle, it might take months, but it will happen.

Been there, done that, got the Tee-shirt, as have many others.
It is hard, but the person is better cared for than is possible, under the care/help regime they will accept at home.

Bod

PS Sorting the old house out ready for sale, isn't easy either.

Thank you Bod. Really grateful. Excellent advice. Next hurdle home comes to assess in her home.... But she was so well behaved on her day there and opens her door to anyone (worryingly) and we plan to be there when they arrive etc.

We will not visit her as you say. Not sure if other friends should or not. I will see what others say. I think no phone in her room too for a while. She cannot use mobile or Internet. There is so much going on there I hope she will be busy. I will do the labels and start preparing now. Hopefully by mid October the room will be free. It could even be next week.

As for the house..... We have already had fun and games while she went to stay with relatives, 60 years of complete rubbish was cleared from the loft..... If she discovered that I have no idea what would happen...... Let's just hope she doesn't. Then to start on the clutter in the actual house...... Really appreciate your support. Cannot tell you enough. Starting to feel a little bit more human. She will be here soon as brother bringing her for a cup of tea. I never know what or who I shall I get but that keeps me on my toes I suppose. Sincerely thank you.

 

[Amy in the US]

Kerry and Dementiafriend, welcome to TP. I am so sorry to hear of your situations and that you had to find your way here, but there is a lot of good advice and support available here. Don't be afraid to vent or tell it like it is.

I'm in the States so our system works a bit differently to yours but Kerry, especially, you sound as though you could do with some support. In addition to TP there is Age UK and I think you can ring them anytime if you need to talk to someone. You may also be able to find a support group in your area, or a counselor of some sort, through them? Others here will know.

Mostly I just want to offer some support. I, too, have been there and done that and got the t-shirt. Firstly I want to say it's possible for your mother to move into the care home, secondly I want to say it's possible that the care home could work out (better than you imagine), and thirdly I want to say it sounds necessary for your mum to move into the care home.

Also, please know that you are not the only person here with a difficult relative, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. I know a lot of the literature talks about "my darling Mum" and "your loved ones with dementia" and while that's true for many people, it's not true for all of us. Some of us here have parents who range from mildly disinterested to always disappointed to mentally ill to addiction problems to out-and-out abusive. Some of us find ourselves caring for these difficult parents out of duty. There are some other threads that discuss this when you feel up to having a read but I did want to say, you are not alone. (I literally thought I must be the only one in my situation: an adult daughter, only child, no father or other relatives in the picture, thrust into the role of carer for my unpleasant, difficult mother who never was a good mother and with whom I had no relationship except ick. Turns out? Lots of us just on this site alone. So you're in good company. It made me feel much better to know I wasn't the only one.)

Practically speaking, the dementia is making everything much harder. It's very common for those with whatever type of dementia to deny there is anything wrong with them, even in the face of the evidence. This is definitely part of the disease, although the personality of the person in question may play a role.

As you've probably learnt, it mostly does no good to argue, contradict, or engage in discussion with the person with dementia. (There's a good link here on compassionate communication you might read at some point.) As much as possible, roll with the punches and go wherever the conversational train carries you. Offer emotional reassurance and distract and redirect when possible. Again, all easier said than done but it does get better with practice. (I'm sorry I haven't time to reply as fully as I'd like but hope you get the idea.)

There is mostly no chance you will convince your mum that she wants/needs/is going to move into care, so I personally wouldn't even try. I would take her to the care home "for lunch", or for "dinner", or for respite while you are "out of town." Obviously you talk to the staff ahead of time and they should help you. Then, of course, you leave her there, and no one is saying that is going to be easy.

If she asks why she is there, I suggest you blame "the doctor" and say, the doctor says you need to be here until: your medicines are straightened out, you are stronger, for a little while, just for right now. Others are able to blame the previous home, by saying, you're just going to stay here until we get the roof fixed/boiler replaced/have it repainted/or something similar. This takes some of the onus off you.

If possible, you all may want to have a meal together at the care home, as this is a "normal" activity with a set routine and may help ease the transition (or not, but can't hurt to try.) Then you need to go. Do not linger when you leave! If you really have trouble getting away, get the staff to create a diversion for you. If it seems okay, you might say, goodbye mum, see you soon. If not, you might nip out to the toilet (and not come back, this is where the staff covers for you).

Definitely do NOT visit for at least a couple of weeks, possibly longer. During that time, you might find it helpful to phone the staff for regular updates and information.

At the risk of boring you with my own story, my mother is 73 and has Alzheimer's and is moderately advanced, with no short term memory. I've always had a difficult relationship with her, to say the least.

About three years ago she had a series of minor health issues and wanted my help (we barely spoke or saw each other so this was odd) and I started making the 100 mile trip to where she lived, more and more frequently, for doctor's appointments. She did have some health issues that got sorted but she never seemed to get better. It was clear something was wrong but I didn't know what.

She lived alone with no services and clearly wasn't coping well, but would literally only permit me in the living room of her home, no where else. She wouldn't stop driving and I worried constantly she would have an accident and harm someone (she had, in fact, at least three accidents I know about). She was a smoker and I worried she would start a fire. She couldn't seem to keep track of her medications. The list goes on.

This January I got the phone call we all dread: she'd been found early one morning, wandering, no coat, disoriented and very cold, was rushed to hospital, and then spent 12 days under what you in the UK would call a section. She was diagnosed with dementia and I was told she couldn't live alone, the hospital wouldn't discharge her to home, and find her a care home right now, so I did (only ten miles from me, on the advice of the social worker).

When we cleared her home we found glaring indications that she hadn't been coping for a long time, spoiled food in the fridge, mountains of clutter and paperwork, filth everywhere, lots of burn holes from cigarettes, dodgy wiring that could have started a fire at any time, a leaking water heater, etc. She had given money away to dodgy "charities." Some bills she had paid three times over; others hadn't been paid at all. She drove to the pharmacy every day in case she needed to pick up a prescription, since she couldn't remember. She was taking all sorts of medications the wrong way. She had opened her door to strangers; god only knows what may have happened to her. It is scary stuff.

Seven months later she is much better off: meds sorted and given to her properly, nutritious meals, company whenever she wants it, things to do, a clean place to live, all the ice cream she can eat, a good neurologist and so forth. Best of all, she is no longer anxious and distressted 24/7 (as she was at home) because she can't cope with daily life. I honestly feel that the dementia was the root cause of her permanent, relentless, disabling anxiety that just wore away at her. She no longer must worry about putting up a good front, paying the bills, doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, all that. As much as I hate dementia and everything about it, the care home has worked out.

I would NEVER have believed this could work out for her so well, and it would have helped me to know that on those dark days in January and February, so I wanted to tell you.

It's not all roses, I have the power of attorney and still have to finish clearing her home, then sell it, then deal with some other matters, and I am still sorting out the endless paperwork and bills and financial and legal matters. I hate the paperwork and many days feel it will kill me, but it's better than having to worry about her killing someone else.

I am sorry to moan about my own situation, but am trying to communicate that it can be done, it can be better, and you can live through it. And we are here to help you.

Best wishes, and I'll be thinking of you.

 

[DMac]

I would NEVER have believed this could work out for her so well, and it would have helped me to know that on those dark days in January and February, so I wanted to tell you.

Amy, I just wanted to say Thank You for sharing your story. Your words area source of inspiration and comfort. I feel I am about to face a journey that I think may be similar to the one you have recently gone through. In my case, I care for a mum-in-law with dementia, and a dad-in-law with multiple health issues, including cognitive impairment, still living in their own home. In spite of her condition, or maybe because of it, Mum-in-law believes she is the primary care-giver to Dad-in-law! Both are clearly very vulnerable and should not be left alone at any time, in my opinion. Their care needs are currently met by a combination of family visits and once-daily external agency visits, but I now realise this is far from enough. I'm not sure what the answer is at this stage, but it seems to me that a care home is inevitable in the not-too-distant future.

I am currently trying to persuade my husband's siblings that we should have more robust care in place for them, but I feel the siblings are in denial about the risks they face whilst still living in their own home. I feel a bit like the mythical Cassandra, never to be believed! My sister-in-law in particular feels that my mum-in-law will simply decline to death if she has to go into a care home. She does not believe (yet) that it could be a better alternative for her. Part of the issue is that sister-in-law visits every day, and I think does not see the wood for the trees. I don't think there is an easy answer to this dilemma, and I do see that other TPers face similar issues with differences of opinion. All I can do is put my point of view forward, and hope that a crisis doesn't intervene before a decision is made. Or if it does, resist the temptation to say 'told you so'!

 

[Amy in the US]

DMac, you are most welcome. If I can help any one in any way, no matter how small, then it helps me, too. This is a horrible disease and experience for us all, sufferers and carers and family members alike. Your acknowledgement, means a great deal to me, and I thank you.

I hope you are able to figure out some arrangement for your parents-in-law. It must be challenging for you, to say the least. I don't know how on earth you get people like your sister-in-law, to face facts. I still have conversations with people who want to know if my mother is better and will she be going home soon? I try to be polite but inside I'm screaming, no, the dementia is never going to get better, you idiots, she cannot look after herself, no matter what she tells you! I am sure you know the feeling. Unless you can enlist a physician or other outside person to tell it like it is to the family, I am not sure what you can do. But I applaud you for not wanting to wait for the crisis.

I don't want to scare anyone, but I will be brutally honest and say that I hear a lot of stories (here on TP, but also in my support groups and anecdotally) where I think to myself, why on earth is that person with dementia still living at home/being left alone? Because looking back at my mother's situation, not only was she anxious and lonely and miserable (no matter what she said to the contrary!), but she was not safe, and she was putting others in danger every day. At the end of the day, I got lucky and nothing happened, but if she had gotten in her car and hurt someone, or started a fire and her bedbound upstairs neighbor had died, I would have had to live with that, for the rest of my life. (She wouldn't remember, but I would.)

I don't say this to judge anyone, because I do know it's difficult and we all just do the best we can. But when I realise how bad things were, and I think about what could have happened, it's terrifying. I'm lucky that her car accidents were only scrapes and (so far as I know) didn't involve anyone else. I'm lucky that she didn't use the outlet with the bad wiring and start a fire. I'm lucky that she didn't set a fire with her smoking. I'm lucky she only lost a few thousand (US) dollars to "charities." I'm lucky she was found after less than 24 hours of wandering in the cold. There are much scarier stories out there.

So many of us are forced to wait for the crisis, and only then have the leisure of hindsight. Applause for anyone with the opportunity and ability, to look ahead.

 

[DMac]

Applause for anyone with the opportunity and ability, to look ahead.

Hear Hear, Amy, well said!

To everyone else who has replied to Kerryblue, thank you as well. It's really helpful to hear of others' experience of making THAT decision and THAT move!

Kerryblue, I hope you have a good night's sleep tonight. You surely deserve it. Thank you to you for starting this thread and sharing your feelings so honestly. Please let us know how you get on. xx

 

[Kerryblue]

HOME truths from this forum have opened my eyes

Hear Hear, Amy, well said!

To everyone else who has replied to Kerryblue, thank you as well. It's really helpful to hear of others' experience of making THAT decision and THAT move!

Kerryblue, I hope you have a good night's sleep tonight. You surely deserve it. Thank you to you for starting this thread and sharing your feelings so honestly. Please let us know how you get on. xx

Amy, DMac and everyone else. Thank you for your honesty and making me see sense. Who have I be kidding? Myself of course. Thinking that Mum really can cope, really isn't as "ill" as she is, really is still my mum. Well she is not. Amy I feel for you. Thank you for your openess. I do empathise. I really do. You sound like you too have so much to deal with and have been amazing and been in a very lonely place. I now take heart from your words.

Caring for my mum made me physically ill in the end most of this year I have been in hospital and mum says to me every day "why aren't you at work? What's wrong with you?"

The driving/car battle led to physical violence. My Brother now has that battle instead of me. Still certain people and family and friends refuse to believe she is ill as she can and sometimes does put on her lovely sweet act to everyone except her close family.

Mum told people I was "dreaming" "'making things up" and that I am a "drama queen". Once she is safely in the home I aim to get well, return to work (how lucky am I) and then see her in short spells and hopefully spend QUALITY time with her, without worrying whether she is hurt, lying on the floor, or has incinerated yet another piece of toast.

Fortunately my brother and sister in law returned to help out due to my situation and without them I do not know what could/would have happened to date. I just lay in hospital ringing her trying to ensure she had eaten and taken her pills once I fought for a diagnosis. Incidentally finally got her to the GP with the "you need a flu jab" line and the help,of,my Sister in Law who has also suffered and still does the wrath of Mum for stealing her precious son.

When Mum came to see me (if kind friends brought her in) she was more cross that I was there and that the attention was not on her.

My daughter has also had so much on her plate what with me, mum and Working full time. She deserves a break from this hell too.

In the space of a day things have changed. The home has rung. We are going to see a room in a couple of days and make final arrangements. I do not know what will happen. I know my whole life my Mother has affected me and that the lines are blurred between the dementia and what was already there.

How true Amy, all the books We read , no one,but no one seems to have the personality of my mum who has never once said sorry in her life or appreciated anything.


This is about facing up to what I suspect a lot of us try not to see because we think we are being "cruel" by removing someone from their beloved home. Well we are not. The shell that they become and who ever is in there convinces us that they still belong at home and that it is best for them.

I have been "taken in" by this evil illness and its lies. Not anymore. Thank you everyone for giving me the push and the strength. Not sure about being able to sleep yet but it's a relief to not feel alone and to finally see what has been staring me in the face. I will update but again if too boring just ignore me!

 

[Amy in the US]

Kerry, many thanks for your thanks, and again, any way we can all help each other is appreciated. I appreciate your kind thoughts.

Many of us here know that sweet to others, rotten to us act all too well. My mother, despite her fairly advanced Alzheimer's/memory loss, compounded by medication issues, was and is, sometimes, still able to hold a socially correct conversation. In the right setting, if you didn't know her terribly well, you might not suspect there is anything wrong with her. While her chemist (is that right, for what we say "pharmacist" for here in the States?) wasn't surprised by the Alzheimer's diagnosis, I still get former neighbors of hers asking me if she's really ill and really can't live at home. (What part of DEMENTIA didn't you understand, exactly?) But at the care home, no one is taken in by any of her sweet act, as you call it. I don't live in hope, but she has gotten less nasty to me over time. The relief of her anxiety has honestly made a huge difference.

I'm so sorry to hear you've been ill and in hospital. Carer breakdown is all too real and I heard some grim statistics at a workshop the other day. I posted somewhere else, that dementia (in all its nasty forms) will absorb as much time, energy, and money as you can throw at it, and we all learn this the hard way, I think.

Do not forget that you have a right to your life and health, and your family has the right to time with you as well.

I don't know why on earth all the books seem to sugar coat everything. Perhaps I've not read the right ones yet. I've joked here on TP before, that we should write our own, with a special emphasis on abusive/uncaring/difficult parents with dementia.

I hope you are able to get a placement at this care home and that things go as well as possible.

Come back anytime; it's not the least bit boring and there is always someone here. I wonder if you might explore some support options closer to home, when you get a chance. I think it's Age UK you want to contact for that, but will let a non-Yank tender those suggestions.

Best wishes, Kerry, to you and everyone else.

 

[sleepless]

Amy, regarding your point about neighbours wondering if your mum is really ill etc.
I have often thought that by the time casual acquaintances spot anything amiss, the lives of cared for and carers has already changed irrevocably.

 

[theunknown]

I don't know which is worse - to have a loving relationship with a parent, or to have a difficult relationship and then lose them to dementia. Amy and Kerry, I can relate to your situation, but I don't know what it's like to lose a parent to dementia when you've never had a close relationship. All I can say is that placing a parent in a home seems to go against the natural situation but, if you're worrying about the fact that you need to do this, then it probably means your actions come from the right place x

 

[Misstep]

Similar problem

New to this. I read all the posts and find them such a help but still feel No one has a mum quite like miwne!
We have never really been very close although all my life I have felt guilty, bad, never good enough but was so close to my dad.
I knew something was wrong with my mum about three or four years ago as I saw her every day and noticed she was becoming nastier and more forgetful. She has always been quite selfish and nasty to her family but to others she is always a lovely kind sweet old lady. I still do not know how she manages to keep up this act despite having Alzheimer's finally confirmed last year. It took me several years to get anyone to believe that there was a serious problem. I just knew.

Since the end of last year she has deteriorated rapidly. We find it so hard to leave her alone but when we are there she tells us she wants us gone. Then she tells us she is lonely. She forgets to take her pills. She cannot tell you if she has eaten. She has forgotten she cannot drive and has not driven for almost a year. That is another battle..... My brother stays a few nights a week with her. I have been very ill and unable to stay there. My fear of her is so deeply in ground I find it So stressful but I know this is not about me. I just wish she would accept she is ill and accept our help. We do everything for her but she says we don't do anything. We have found a wonderful home for her. Specialists say she needs 24 hour care. I got her to the HOTEL this week for a day and she did have a lovely day. I stayed with her but got home and was physically sick with sheer nerves of it all. Then she says she will NOT leave her house and go anywhere. This week she has fallen over. She loses and hides money, keys you name it. I lie awake all night worrying about her and also knowing it's not her and I cannot reason with her. I feel useless. She does not want me around. Really she just wants my brother who was always her favourite. Now a room will be available at the home. It is the best thing for her. We know that. How do we get her there? They are coming to assess her this week and we plan to say she has to stay for a short time. What if she refuses? Do we not visit for a while? She is physically quite fit although has fallen this week..... all she cares about is going to her keep feet class and where her next meal is coming from. We do all the shopping, cooking, paperwork, everything for her and it has all got too much.
I try to blank everything out but feel guilty that my brother is having to stay there with her some nights but I cannot physically manage there or cope with her. It is a lovely home. Really near and lovely kind staff etc. We tried to get full time carers in or even part time but NO, of course she does not need them as there is nothing wrong with her and I have made it all up. ironically she was well behaved on the day at the home, ate like a horse, enjoyed everything except when we got back she told my brother I was trying to put her away and she would never leave her house. Then she says she is lonely....... Sorry to go on. I cannot sleep and do not know where to turn. My brother is less emotional than me but he has not been around until recently and is now doing his best to help but we both know things cannot continue as they are. My mum treats his wife with contempt as well so she cannot go there for long so he is in the middle too. Any advice would be very gratefully received. I do not know where to turn so thank you if anyone gets to the end of this very lengthy post!!!!

I can't offer any advice on this, but I'm in almost exactly the same position (just started a new thread before I saw yours). I've made an appointment to see my GP next week because I'm in such a state - I just feel so responsible for her, but can't do anything right

 

[fizzie]

[ there is Age UK and I think you can ring them anytime if you need to talk to someone. You may also be able to find a support group in your area, or a counselor of some sort, through them? Others here will know.

you can't ring Age UK anytime but they do have a freephone number and can give advice and signpost you - they are not counsellors!


I want to say it sounds necessary for your mum to move into the care home.

I think it is very hard to say that it is necessary to move someone into a care home from a brief post - this is a long and complex decision and comes from the heart for most people or from a crisis or from long term discussion. It is great to air views but perhaps a good idea to share experiences and support the decisions of others.





If she asks why she is there, I suggest you blame "the doctor" and say, the doctor says you need to be here until: your medicines are straightened out, you are stronger, for a little while, just for right now. Others are able to blame the previous home, by saying, you're just going to stay here until we get the roof fixed/boiler replaced/have it repainted/or something similar. This takes some of the onus off you.


I REALLY don't believe we should lie to people with memory loss - I know that some do but i would hate to be lied to when i am old and finding life difficult and frightening.


Definitely do NOT visit for at least a couple of weeks, possibly longer. During that time, you might find it helpful to phone the staff for regular updates and information.

i also don't think it is a good idea to dump someone, lie to them about what is happening and then run away and not return for weeks! i would be so upset if someone did that to me. Visits might be difficult, many people say that they want to go home - possibly because 'home' is a place of safety in their minds but the one central point of the lives of most people is family - whatever the relationships family members are the anchors to the well being of many. When people are frightened they reject others sometimes, sometimes they are aggressive and display other behaviour which is upsetting and distressing. Even though visits are difficult many would say that they are key to the settling in process.


I also had a difficult relationship with my Ma for most of my life but by choice I spent the last 4 years supporting her to live in her own home until she died - that is what she wanted and i'm glad that i did do it even tho it was a killer at times lol!! For me it completed the circle but we are all different and we come to our own solutions with the help and support of others. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, keep posting, everyone is here to support you