Making Sense of the roller coaster of VD

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Helena, Sep 20, 2006.

  1. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    The change from one extreme to another in VD is causing so much distress and problems for my Mothers neighbours and my sister and i that it really seems to be a totally poorly described disease

    Thursday my Mother is so confused she refuses to allow the Gas Board to service her boiler despite her having rearranged the appointment for the umpteenth time

    Friday she is thoroughly abusive and nasty to my sister

    Saturday she is chirpy and chatty to the gardening girl although it took major guesswork to understand what she was talking about

    No wonder the Doctors dont want to know

    we could be calling them out day after day on a fools errand
  2. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    Too right. My husband goes from being completely out of it, although always eager to join in social conversations with complete non sequeters (sp?) mainly about his national service, to thoroughly disagreeable with me (I am the only one who gets the querellous, shrill, 'I never even saw it, it wasn't me, of for God's sake, woman' treatment) to relatively normal.
    There are people round here who think he was a professional soldier for his entire life, based on the amount he bangs on about 2 years National Service, during which time he appears to have had the experiences and duties of at least a Major General.
    Last weekend I was at my wit's end, as everything I said was greeted with denial and hostility, even the most innocent remarks. Partly because of this, the CPN is coming today, when I dare say he will be all sweetness and light and she will think I am making an unnecessary fuss. She is also coming because I have my doubts that he should now be left here alone for any length of time, so again I expect today he will not help himself to alcohol by the pint, or burn anything.
    Sometimes he produces quite complicated stories that are complete fabrication, such as the 'lot of people' who came into our house when I was not here. He didn't know them. 'Why did you let a lot of people you didn't know into the house?' 'Well, I knew some of them.' 'Who were they?' 'I don't know'. They, according to him, took away the last bottle of wine in the house. He, curiously, was slurring a bit, there were wine dregs in a tumbler, and what had been an unopened bottle that morning was empty in the recycling bins.
    Other people on this site, who are a lot nicer than me, would do anything to keep the person they care for at home. I would give my eye teeth for more time being able to relax and enjoy my home on my own, instead of this constant tension which makes me hide in my office for hours on end.
  3. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Hi Rosalind,

    I remember my Mum was constantly on edge when Dad was like this. I notice you had some success at getting your husband to day care in August - is he still going? Mum was very grateful for just a few hours to herself on the days that Dad went. I know it's not a solution but perhaps you could arrange for another day each week?
  4. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    Yes, Hazel, he is still going to day care once a week. I have to take him, and worry each time whether I will succeed. Don't like to hassle, so he often takes an age to get ready to go out, which eats into the time. I think it is going to have to be stepped up, or else I will go nuts, and in any case I am starting a business and will not be here for long periods and I don't think he can be left alone now. He is about to go into respite for 2 weeks. I am away for the first week, then get 5 blissful days here before picking him up. But on the advice of the CPN have said nothing about this, which makes me feel dreadful. She says wait until the day, so I am having to do all the pre-packing washing furtively, and make sure it stays clean until Monday, when I will have to pack his stuff very quickly and take him to the day care place where he is staying. He does not hate it, but if anyone did that to me I would feel betrayed.
  5. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Rosalind,
    But Rosalind, you are not living in a rational world. You need the space to be able to continue to care for your husband at home. He is not able to understand, let alone deal rationally with the idea of giving you space. By not telling him you are saving him anguish - you are having to deal with the guilt to save him the pain. You are not betraying him. You are doing the thing that is essential to allow you to care for him longer. Enjoy the respite.
    Love Helen
  6. gillian69

    gillian69 Registered User

    Sep 7, 2006
    Hiya Rosalind

    Have you thought about approaching The Royal British Legion for welfare support.
    They may be able to offer a respite break for your husband as he did his national service. Obviousley this does depend on financial circumstances. But they do help a lot of people with alot of things. Maybe worth giving them a call to see.

  7. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    good idea to try British Legion.
    Here is a message I posted some time back

    A meeting which I attended had a speaker from the British Legion.
    He informed the meeting that there was help available for ex service personel,
    in need,Army,Navy,Air force and Merchant Navy
    One illustration was that .a chair lift could be provided in days to a person in need.
    Too much information to post on here.
    I only have the contact details for the Midlands which is:Telephone:0121 4345696
  8. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    #8 jenniferpa, Sep 21, 2006
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2006
    I don't know - maybe calling the British Legion gets a response, but I wouldn't bother with email, at least to the main web site. Honestly I found them rather useless when I was trying to find out if my mother could get assistance. I'm afraid if you are female and ex-service you fall into a black hole, particularly if you were a Naval NCO
  9. plastic scouser

    plastic scouser Registered User

    My first post on this site and I recognise so readily the symptoms that you're all describing...

    My poor Mum is at her wits end with my Dad due to this evil disease, he has VD and can be so pleasant to strangers yet as soon as they're gone he's absolutely horrible to my Mum. Dad is a committed Christian and never ever uses bad language but the stuff he comes out with when he's berating Mum is awful!

    We've been fortunate in that we were able to secure a day place at a large British Legion residence in Cromer, Norfolk for Dad - they have just started a day care centre for AD sufferers - yesterday Mum rang me to say that they were now worried that they would have to refuse to take him as he was so disruptive last time he went!

    I'm at a loss as to how to support Mum as I'm married with a young family living 250 miles away. Phone calls can only offer so much support - I try to see them as much as possible but it's so difficult...
  10. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    Hello plasticscouser

    Welcome to TP.

    Has your mum had some input from a CPN or a social worker? They might be able to help in terms of providing additional care?

    It is difficult living so far away from a parent, whilst trying to cope with the fallout from this awful illness. But you are supporting your mum by keeping in touch and that has to be better than her being completely on her own. In terms of supporting her and your dad, you should keep visiting here! I've found TP wonderful for gaining an insight into things and asking advice. It's helped me, in a small way, to cope with the miles between me and my mum. I somehow have felt more 'prepared' to face things when I visit. Even though her VaD/AD still pulls some unexpected punches, I know that being able to write about it on here, means it's not defeating me, like it's trying to defeat my mum.

    Keep posting.

    Best wishes.

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