making important decisions

[kathleenr]

My dilemma is this. My husband (age 59 and 5 years into EOA) have sold the family home: we currently live in tied accommodation with my employment. He understood this and was in agreement, to help our daughter on the property ladder and to buy something for us- a small flat, that I can easily manage in retirement which hopefully isn’t for some time yet. But now every time I mention this he is angry and on Saturday I took him to see one and he was completely irrational, very unpleasant and threw all sorts of spurious reasons why he didn’t like it, when the real reason is its change and he wants things to remain as they are.

I cannot wait in case in case property goes up in price too much in the intervening period, but should I take the decision out of his hands and just buy something myself without his consent? It feels very disempowering but I cannot cope with such unpleasantness and upset. Advice please

 

[Beate]

Have you got POA for him? Then you can make best interest decisions for him but with regards to property I would always seek professional advice to avoid any accusations of deprivation of assets that social services could levy on you later on. You mention helping your daughter onto the property ladder - have you given a large sum to her since his diagnosis from money that is also his? You have to be ever so careful in this respect. His money might be needed to pay for care in years to come.

 

[Pickles53]

Might be easier if you could give a little more information. For example....

Do you or anyone else have LPA for your husband or is he still competent to manage his own financial affairs? Is the capital you would use to make the purchase held in joint names?

I think you need to know what is legally possible first and then you can consider what would be the best option.

 

[kathleenr]

I have got LPA and did that straight away. Its about trying to keep him empowered and involved in decisions, but doing what is right for him. Getting rational decisions is getting harder

 

[Pickles53]

I think it would be a good idea to phone the OPG about this as you already have LPA. I have read often in here that they can be very helpful. In some circumstances with property sales/purchases I think you have to appoint a separate trustee for the person you have LPA for as you are also a party to the transaction, but I don't have personal experience so can't say if it would apply in your case.

If your husband previously was in agreement with your plans, but is now unable to discuss it rationally, you may need to take the decision in his (and your) best interests. You may have it right that any change is now a frightening prospect for him. At some stage many TPers have found that they need to be a bit economical with the truth in order to minimise stress and anxiety for their loved one. It feels wrong and quite contrary to what you want to do, ethically, but may help ease the transition practically.

It might be possible for example to present the move as a temporary one while repairs/renovations are carried out to the place you live now. Only you know if this would work, or whether you could consider it.

 

[1mindy]

My dilemma is this. My husband (age 59 and 5 years into EOA) have sold the family home: we currently live in tied accommodation with my employment. He understood this and was in agreement, to help our daughter on the property ladder and to buy something for us- a small flat, that I can easily manage in retirement which hopefully isn’t for some time yet. But now every time I mention this he is angry and on Saturday I took him to see one and he was completely irrational, very unpleasant and threw all sorts of spurious reasons why he didn’t like it, when the real reason is its change and he wants things to remain as they are.

I cannot wait in case in case property goes up in price too much in the intervening period, but should I take the decision out of his hands and just buy something myself without his consent? It feels very disempowering but I cannot cope with such unpleasantness and upset. Advice please

Please let us know how you sort this out .We are currently selling our house and the idea that we moved close to a village or town was agreed at the start of this process 3 months ago. Now he says that he is selling but staying in the country and I am trying to bully him to get my own way.I confess I am now looking for a home that we can manage and will be easier for me and he can walk out from if the license goes and asas this bothersome AZ progresses . So your progress on this whole really be very helpful.