Making Christmas special......????

[jenniferpa]

Nell

Because I'm over here, and she's over there, I won't even be sending christmas cards for my mother this year - if I'd had an iota of forethought I'd have brought her address book back with me (well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it). I did send a case of wine in both our names to the domicillary carers - hopefully they won't be too drunk to do the caring! And I've arranged for plants to be delivered to the only 2 freinds who still call her (Thank you Marks and Sparks). Thank goodness for the internet (and my overworked credit cards).

Jennifer

 

[Norman]

I am afraid I have been a bit spiteful this year.
I have sent Alzhemer's cards to all these wonderful people who cannot even pick up the telephone and ask how my Peg is.
Only the caring ones got a handwritten version.
Also I had a stamp made with just Peggy and Norman on it,nothing else.
Maybe they will see a message there.
May be I am being childish but it made me feel better.
Norman

 

[Tender Face]

Brilliant, Norman!

Like your style......

Love, Karen, x

 

[Tender Face]

A positive solution????

Just had an email from a friend advising there will be no Christmas card this year .... instead the money he would normally spend on cards and postage is to be donated to a specific charity .....

THAT's the spirit!!!!!

Karen, x

 

[Canadian Joanne]

It will be different this year

Since I moved my mother to Ontario from British Columbia 6 years ago (on Dec 30 - I cannot believe how the time has flown!) I started a tradition of having our Christmas celebration on Boxing Day.

Christmas Day was spent at my sister-in-law's after we went & visited my mother. Then I did a big turkey dinner with all the trimmings on Boxing Day and we brought Mum out for the day. We also invited my aunts & a select few who could handle my crazy relatives - I'm referring to my aunts. We had reasonable success (put food in front of my mother or any of her siblings & watch the piranha feeding frenzy) But last year Mum was restless & trying to get away. I walked her to the front hall which was quieter (and colder), waited till she got cold & suggested we go back. It worked.

This year I will still do the dinner but I won't be taking my mother out of the home as she's now in a wheelchair. Our house is multi-level & it would be a) too difficult physically and 2) mother would be restless & bored & start swearing at people & trying to punch kick & scratch. We will spend Christmas lunch with her & then head over to my in-laws.

I have only one niggly thing bothering me. One of my aunts I'm sure is waiting for her invitation. My husband said he will not pick her up & drive her home this year as my mother won't be coming. Also, he & my aunt had quite a set-to last spring so he's disinclined to play taxi for a woman he thinks stresses me out. I feel badly about this. I feel guiltier about this than leaving Mum in the home. I know it's stupid of me as my aunt really does drive me insane with lengthy phone calls about her visits. There's always a staff member or 10 she doesn't like, they're not taking care of Mum properly, they should brush her teeth more, the toilet doesn't flush properly etc etc etc etc.

But I still feel badly. I think I will try & talk my husband into picking her up & then give her money to take a taxi home. It will probably cost the equivalent of about £25 or £30 but I think it will be worth it for my conscience. Stupid of me, isn't it?

I am not in the spirit this year - we haven't had any snow yet so I'm not feeling Christmassy, I haven't even put up any decorations yet. And first I have to clean this dump - no motivation so far.

I hope I can resolve this as I feel really badly about it. I know I shouldn't but she used to be my favourite aunt when I was a kid.

Joanne

 

[Amy]

Hiya Joanne,
Stupid? No. We have to be able to live with ourselves, and at times that may mean that we are put under pressure, in potentially difficult situations, but at the end of the day we can walk tall and know that we have been true to ourselves. If husband cannot be talked into picking aunt up, what compromises could be made? An extra special visit to auntie, a special card or phone call? Does your husband know what you are thinking and feeling?

There's still plenty of time for decorations and getting Christmassy - after all, it's only Advent! I managed to get a lot of Christmas shopping done on Friday, but haven't written a card yet, and I don't think we will put up decorations till next weekend.

"Clearing this dump" - just do one bit at a time. It doesn't have to be a show house, it's a home!
Come on Joanne, start being kind to yourself - what are the things that are really important to you this Christmas? Do those, forget the rest, because they do not matter.
Much love, Helen

 

[bebee.]

xmas.

xmas day 0900hrs , m4 to any service station . we're together , as content as possible . no hypocrisy , or visitors to put up with .winter " picnic " , computer , radio & heater organised . I'm finding website too time-consuming . very busy ; so much to do . must get on with caring . logging off . back next year . best wishes to all sufferers and carers

 

[Amy]

Spoke too soon on this thread 9 days ago - phone call with dad this morning and he says "we'll have to decide what we are doing over Christmas." What??!! I thought we had decided - we chase around, it's chaos, but we are together, mum is with us. "They're opening presents at the NH from 10am-12, then having Christmas dinner - I could see your mum then come over to you?"
What does he want? What do I want? Could I enjoy a family celebration knowing mum is sitting in her chair alone at the NH? Is wanting her home anything to do with mum or dad, or is it simply my needs?
Helen

 

[Amy]

Thanks Tina, I think having mum at home means that I could go on fooling myself - nothing has really changed. If she's not there then there's no hiding from the reality - life is moving on - and this is one change that I hate and do not want to accept.But maybe it is one that has to be accepted, and embraced - start a new Christmas tradition.
Love Helen

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Hi Helen,
I'm in your position on this one. We are not taking Mum out, as I've said. However, I think it was an easier decision for me than you because of all the upheaval in late summer & fall.

I strongly recommend going with your heart, if it's reasonably possible. If you think you can do one more Christmas then go for it, with the understanding this is the last Christmas.

Love
Joanne

 

[Amy]

Oh well, all change again. With the weather forecast, now looks as though (ex)MIL will not be coming (have found train times but she hates trains). I'm afraid I'm not going to worry - not risking the M1 for me, husband or son, to go and pick her up. If mum is on a good day (I think that means that she has her eyes open!), then we are going to bring her home, if not, then we are going to spend more of the day at the Nursing Home. As it is only a 5 minute walk from dad's, it would be easy to pop in at various times during the day. Maybe selfishly, I've moved into the frame of mind where I am going to focus on making this a good time for my husband, boys, dad and me. Mum, God bless her, does not understand, will not feel hurt. The rest of us have to accept change - find peace and joy in the present, whilst remembering the past.
Now I'm wading through washing and ironing, cake to marzipan and ice, presents to buy and wrap, and I still haven't sent a card!! The tree is up though! Better get off my **** and get some jobs done!
Love Helen

 

[alex]

Hi Helen

Whatever happens on christmas day you want it to be a perfect day, but you know it won't be because what you really want, can't happen.............and thats whats so sad about it........but it is normal............its normal to want all the people you love to be around you and be happy and to enjoy the day that your going to put so much effort into, but your right to give the day to your husband and kids and your dad...........i know your still gonna feel guilty about your mum, but this way, even if your mum can't be with you, you'll get to spend quality time with her, rather than stressing yourself over the kids, prezzies, turkey and then worrying that your not giving your mum enough attention.

I think that the stage your mums at now, sometimes little and often is the best thing.

Hope you have a wonderful day and i hope that whatever you do, it works out for the best.

Love Alex x

 

[Tender Face]

Helen, it is NOT selfish to focus on your husband, your dad and your boys .... it's still being selfless - just to some other people in your life who love you and need you ... and whom you love..... and surely, that's what your mum would want and be most proud of if only she were able to communicate that to you......?

(And I hope amongst all the selflessness, you find some time to enjoy what YOU deserve too),

Love, Karen, x

PS: You're putting me to shame ... got a day off work with mum 'looked after', son and hubby out and REALLY should be getting on...... (with ironing and not TP!)

 

[Tender Face]

Proud of mum?

Hadn't given her the credit - but it appears from this morning's visit that she has nominated herself to be in charge of party games .......

First up is taking down all the Christmas cards I'd so beautifully arranged .... and sorting them into shapes.....

Nice to know she's still creative?

Karen, x

 

[Amy]

That's brilluiant Karen, often think cards are a waste of time, but if they have given your mum pleasure and a sense of purpose - wonderful! We used to get mum those musical cards, she would wander around for hours opening and closing it - drove dad mad!
Love Helen