1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

major resistance + wants to slip away on own

Discussion in 'Memory concerns and seeking a diagnosis' started by Involved, Feb 21, 2018.

  1. Involved

    Involved New member

    Feb 21, 2018
    2
    Hi, I'm new. My parents are 91 (mum) and 89 (dad). They both live together in their home. My brother and I work together to help them (mostly) and we have POAs for welfare and finance for both parents.

    Mum does not have signs of Alzheimers but she is physically very infirm with arthritis in hips, knees, ankles and has experienced a number of falls in the home. She is currently hospitalised with a broken right arm and we expect her to go to re-hab and then maybe back home. Without being able to hold a stick she won't be able to walk at all. She needs the toilet at night 4 or 5 times and is terrified going to the bathroom. Clearly she doesn't always make it judging by the urine odour.

    Dad used to be in a senior position and still comes across as totally on top of things. He was always dominant and can now be quite aggressive. It's been clear to me for a while that he's not coping. He's apathetic, drinks quite a lot, bottle of malt at his hand, and sleeps quite a lot in the afternoons. We discovered he'd arranged to pay £6000 to a builder to mend a fence........should have been £1k at most. We paid it to get rid of aggressive builder incidents. He's forgotten how to manage his finances, cheques bouncing, forgotten a savings account etc. Brother tries to help with this and checks post, gets accused of interfering and trying to steal money. Old colleagues who he used to meet regularly have been in touch with us to say he's now missing their meetings and they think he's losing his memory. But he does seem to stay in touch with some friends.

    We've tried to declutter the house to make it safer but all help is refused. I hired two cleaners to help this summer and one was ordered out of the house by my father though she said she'd heard him yelling at my mother and tried to intervene. The other from Age UK was fired instantly because they don't need old age help. They did find another cleaner for 2 hours a week - good for them.

    My dad is still driving. He refuses to go to the doctor. My brother really wants him to get a diagnosis but we cannot make him go to the doctor.

    Currently my mum and him are saying that she has to go home from hospital and not go to re-hab.I I've told hospital social workers and OTs that she cannot go home and we have to over-rule my parents.

    But they sound convincing. Dad says "I will make appropriate arrangements." We know he won't and cannot.

    Any ideas about how to handle this situation???? Any thoughts about any aspect appreciated.

    My dad clearly just wants to be allowed to drift away on his own, should we let him?

    He's mum's carer but he can't care.

    Neither of them can see reality at this point.
     
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,839
    N Ireland
    Hello @Involved, gosh, that is a difficult situation, but you are welcome to TP. I don't have experience of this but I have little doubt that someone with experience will see your post and reply.

    I do know that it is sometimes necessary to use terms like 'vulnerable adult', and 'at risk' while reminding them that it is they who have the 'duty of care' towards a person when talking to SS before they take action. You say that you have spoken to the hospital SW, but what about your Local Authority Adult Services - it is they who have the duty of care.

    There does come a time when a persons 'needs' outweighs their 'wants' and you seem to be aware that your parents have reached that point.

    I wish you luck.
     
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,839
    N Ireland
    BTW, do you know your parent's GP any way well? If you do would he/she assist if you were to ask them to call your dad in for a Wellman type appointment and then slip in an appropriate test for dementia? Just a thought.
     
  4. Risa

    Risa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2015
    483
    Essex
    Hi Involved and welcome to the forum :)

    You said your Mum is mentally ok. Are you able to speak to with her away from your Dad and see what her thoughts are? Just wondering if you would be able to get help from SS or medics if your Mum said she wasn't happy with the situation at home and wants more care.
     
  5. Involved

    Involved New member

    Feb 21, 2018
    2
    Thanks for your thoughts and replies. We've realised this crisis has sadly brought out Dad's dementia. He can't cope with the situation at all. I am going to let his GP know of our concerns and can only hope they will call him for a check. I just wish he wouldn't get so angry with us but I realise it's his illness. It's tough but we can take care of mum.

    This forum has been very helpful to me and I'll be a regular visitor.
     
  6. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,839
    N Ireland
    Part of your dad's anger may be frustration at losing control and having others take over his life. Maybe if you could involve him in decision making in some way to give him co-ownership it would help him to come to terms with what is happening.
    A very useful thread on communication can be found here:-
    https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

    Good luck with everything.
     

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