Made my Mum cry - not a happy new year.

[Rosalind297]

I have to confess that after a very frustrating Christmas period dealing with mother whilst feeling ill myself, I finally snapped this morning. She virtually accused me of taking her money this morning (if she only knew how much of my own money I sacrifice in order to look after her) when I took a one pound coin for a shop of £10.50 to make her think she was paying me back. She threw an absolute wobbler and then kept shouting she wished she could die. I'm ashamed to say I shouted back. At this point my brother walked in and I looked and felt like the average suicide bomber has more heart than me. After trying to reason with her which I have to say is now impossible I left and came home (next door) where my brother came 30 mins later to say she'd been in tears. Honestly, you go for months being as patient as possible and then a button gets pushed and you undo all the hard work.

I feel terrible, absolutely terrible. What an awful way to start a new year. Thanks for "listening".

 

[canary]

Hey Rosalind, we all snap and lose our rag. Its the little things that brake the camels back, isnt it?
Of course she has no idea what you do for her, of how much you are subsidising her; of course you know that logic and reasoning wont work; you know that its not her etc etc, but it doesnt help does it?

Give yourself a bit of slack - no-one is superwoman and Im told even Mother Theresa has her faults!
Things like Christmas always unsettle PWDs (People with dementia) and when you arnt well yourself its even harder to be patient. Ill bet you will remember it for far longer than she will, so knock that guilt monster off your shoulder, find some some chocolate to eat (well, I always find it helps!) and Im sure you will be back caring for your mum
(((((hugs))))))

PS Welcome to Talking Point

 

[DollyBird16]

Oh @Rosalind297 bless you please don’t feel bad. We’re human and not trained for this job.

I have no idea why there is an obsession between dementia and money being taken.

I hope brother has stuck around and given you a break for a while.

Only those that don’t know will judge and of course we beat ourselves up. That’s us judging ourselves cos we so want it to be right for those we love and care for. X

 

[karaokePete]

No appreciation of what we do; check. Bombarded with insults rather than reasoning; check. Snap when it gets too much; check. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!
It’s all too familiar. Be kind to yourself, no one else is going to do that for you. Virtual hug sent.

 

[father ted]

Rosalind297,

Give yourself a break! We all have a limit. I suspect yours is sorely tested many times and you manage to keep a lid on it most of the time. I argue with my Mum even though I know it's pointless and that is about the only part of our relationship that is unchanged as we argued before her dementia so no change there only her reaction to it.
Feeling so awful about it serves no purpose but let's you know that despite having to stifle your feelings lots of times they are still working. X

 

[love.dad.but..]

To all of you....the dementia causes you to snap not your usually so very kind caring heart and especially on top of tiredness, feeling unwell, pwd verbal aggression etc etc. So many reasons and causes at every turn. Treat yourselves kindly, deep breath, cup of tea and plod on. I remember these frustrating moments oh so well

 

[Burden of joy]

I have to admit that I also snapped at my mum this morning too. I said some terrible things after day 9 of poo issues. I am so ashamed that something she can no longer control got to me so badly. After scrubbing walls and carpets all day every day for the last week or so I just wanted one day off. Just one day. So when I left my room this morning and stepped straight into poo I saw red and lost it. Hugs to all those dealing with this especially over the supposedly happy Christmas period

 

[Gladys Hattie]

Your post brought tears, for you and for all of us trying to deal with the effects of this awful disease on our loved ones, and the frustration this can cause us. I actually came onto the forum this morning because I had a similar incident and am feeling dreadful. We are only human and the frustration can get to a point beyond what we can handle. It seems especially hard over the holiday period when we are trying to make everything lovely for everyone around us, and feel pressured to be happy and festive on top. Sending hugs to everyone.

 

[Witzend]

Please don't torment yourself with guilt. When it comes to dementia it would take a saint not to snap occasionally.
I did once really snap and shout at my mother - it was not long after she'd gone into the care home. As so often, she had no idea that there was anything wrong with her, that she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea, wasn't keeping herself clean, and that her short term memory was zero. After she angrily accused me and siblings (not for the first time) of only putting her there because we were after her money - she was cutting us all out of her will! - I shouted back that if we'd just been after her money we'd have left her at home! Had she ANY idea what this place was costing?

Because her short term memory was so bad she very soon forgot it, so there was really no point in my saying it in the first place! It did relieve my feelings for a very short time, but I still felt bad afterwards.

 

[Prudence9]

Rosalind, and all who have snapped, I hope you all feel better today and have been able to give yourselves a break xxx

I joined your ranks last night and shouted at Mum and was horrible.
I'm a little bit sick at the mo and changing, feeding etc just got to me along with the lack of empathy and I just blew.
Poor Mum can no longer communicate in the later part of the day so how I expected her to wrap me up in cottonwool and stroke my forehead I have no idea!

I went in a little later to apologise and wish her HNY and she was flat out and snoring away.

This morning, (she can speak a little more clearly in the mornings), I went in and cried all over her and she laughed and told me there was nothing to say sorry for, I'm not well and she would get up and make me a cup of tea.....!
She's bedbound...! Bless her.

We have to move on quickly from these distressing incidents, thankfully any memory of what we understandably cracked up about seem to leave our loved ones minds so fast. By feeling guilty I suppose we're still emanating those guilty "vibes", (hate that word but I'm sick, did I mention it? so will throw it in lol) and they pick up on how you feel don't they?

Try to have a calm day today, all of you - eat chocolate, cake, have a nice glass of something and hug the person you're looking after.
Take care All xxx

 

[Amethyst59]

@Prudence9 ...have a get well hug from me, with a virtual cup/glass of whatever you fancy. How kind of you to post and reassure...when you are not feeling well x x x

 

[Prudence9]

@Prudence9 ...have a get well hug from me, with a virtual cup/glass of whatever you fancy. How kind of you to post and reassure...when you are not feeling well x x x

Thank you Amethyst, it's just good to try to help isn't it, as you do so often.
Makes me feel better

 

[margherita]

Hi @Rosalind297 ,
I always read here that when PWDs are unkind, unjust,abusive , it isn't THEIR fault, it is their illness.
Difficult to remember, but I'm trying..
In the same way, when a PWD is sad or unhappy or crying, without us doing anything to provoke it, well, it isn't OUR fault, it is their illness.
I do not want to feel responsible for whatever happens to my PWD

 

[SnowWhite]

Know how you feel! I snapped at Mum this morning too. She spends her life either sleeping on her bed covered in every blanket and shawl she’s got and it is boiling in her room. The other half of her life shes on the toilet. I managed to get her to sit out in her chair, put on an extra thermal long sleeved Top over her vest but under her polo neck and waistcoat! Did her hair all nicely. Then shes fiddling with a tiny scab on her neck which Ive been monitoring for months. so i put cream on that. Then she says her skin on her face is itchy and dry so I do that too with cream and tell her its caused by not drinking enough, but as usual she claims she “drinks gallons.”

Then she needs to change her colostomy bag which takes about 20 mins. I go in and shes spraying the room with hairspray, yet again even though I label both that and the air freshener. Settle her in her chair again then she needs her footstool. A carer comes in and leaves a wheelchair ready to go down for lunch. She allows me to get her in it, all tucked in with another blanket then says she needs the loo again. I remind her shes just been but she insists. We spend 5 mins in there, running taps and she still cant go. I snap and tell her its all in her mind and she cant possibly want to go again. I know she cant help it but I still snap.

I honestly do take my hat off to anyone who can look after their loved ones at home 24/7. I am worn out after a couple of hours.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Thank you Amethyst, it's just good to try to help isn't it, as you do so often.
Makes me feel better

Prudence9 and amethyst, you two are marvelous along with so many here on TP regardless of your own trials and tribulations you are having with your much loved pwd you still try to help others ... hats off to you

 

[Prudence9]

Well, you know @love.dad.but.. , after reading for so long, I will take my hat off to you too xxx

 

[MrsChristmas]

Hi there

It's probably a bit late now and it's all been said already.

I just wanted to say that what you were saying really struck a chord with me and my situation is not half as bad as lots of people here and I've lost it with my aged mother several times..Just got to boiling point.

Please, please don't feel bad about shouting and losing it with your mum..I've done it a few times this year with my poor little old 92 year old mum too.

The only good thing about this is your mum will forget much quicker than you will!

 

[Amethyst59]

Well, you know @love.dad.but.. , after reading for so long, I will take my hat off to you too xxx

Oops, sorry...didn’t see we were ‘de-hatting’. Mine is off too.

 

[smartieplum]

Just read this and, my god does it resonate. I'm at the point where i cannot stand this woman my mother has become. She shouts and swears and acts like a petulant child. I lost it this evening over cat food. She wanders constantly. I swore right back. I live with her and dad and have decided to move out. I have no life and am nearly 50. What if i get dementia in my 60s? Where is my life. She never leaves me alone. Now told me for the 6th time in 10 minutes she's going to bed. I'm fed up. Happy new year, eh?

 

[big l]

I have to confess that after a very frustrating Christmas period dealing with mother whilst feeling ill myself, I finally snapped this morning. She virtually accused me of taking her money this morning (if she only knew how much of my own money I sacrifice in order to look after her) when I took a one pound coin for a shop of £10.50 to make her think she was paying me back. She threw an absolute wobbler and then kept shouting she wished she could die. I'm ashamed to say I shouted back. At this point my brother walked in and I looked and felt like the average suicide bomber has more heart than me. After trying to reason with her which I have to say is now impossible I left and came home (next door) where my brother came 30 mins later to say she'd been in tears. Honestly, you go for months being as patient as possible and then a button gets pushed and you undo all the hard work.

I feel terrible, absolutely terrible. What an awful way to start a new year. Thanks for "listening".

please don't feel guilty - look at today not yesterday, it's gone. we all have outbursts (don't we?) feeling guilty is not going to help, your mother will forget and you will be able to move on. I know because I struggle with my reactions too. and I beat myself up over it, then find oh has forgotten - and we carry on. you do feel better letting it out amongst people who understand. I would like to send you a hug too.