lying

[pricey]

hi everyone
its been a few months since i posted last time(before xmas) just wanted to know some peoples thoughts . dad was in hospital in october last year ,he had a chest infection. it was during his stay in hospital that dads ad deteriated making it obvious that mum could no longer cope with him at home. after 6 weeks he was put in a care home. the hospital and social services told me and mum that we would have a choice of homes to look at and have time to view each one but as things turned out we had a phone call saying that he was to be assessed by one care home and the next day he was moved. luckilythe home is lovely. the carers are fantastic and dad , although he tells me differently seems to be settling down. sometimes when we visit dad has got the right hump asking mum where the hell shes been all day? no one talks to im he says and hes never been so lonely. hearing this breaks my heart but i know the carers are always talking to him and they say he is such a funny man , which he was , always joking and laughin. we sit in his room watchin old bing crosby films that he can remember all the songs to and yet he cant remember or grasp the fact that he is no longer at home with mum, but thirty miles away from us. he asked me the other day if the war was over yet? which of corse i told him it was and he smiled as if d day was yesterday then he gets all upset when he realises his mum , brother and mother and father in law have died. wth the exception of his brother who died in november last year all the others died many years ago.
dad sometimes asks when he is cming home, he does this on his more lucid days which are sadly becoming few and far between thats when i lie to him saying that he'll be home as soon as he's better. i feel awful but i know that he wont be able to remember any of it after a few moments and it does seem to make him feel better for a moment or two. unfortunately dads ad is worsening and now a doctor that visits the home says he has a problem with his kidneys. so instead of getting better he is getting worse. of course i didnt expect him to inprove but everything seems so accelerated these days, dads getting worse and im lying more. sorry this has been a long rant hope things are ok for everyone. take care, pricey.

 

[Irish_Lisa]

I was the exact same with my granddad (he had VD and sadly passed away 4 weeks ago). Any stays in hospital seemed to help his VD progress at a much quicker rate. In the beginning when we were more "green" we would answer his questions honestly, feeling that he at least deserved that. Though, as time went on, we realised we were going to have to start telling "little white lies". He would ask about his brothers etc. and if we mentioned that they'd passed away years ago he'd be in floods of tears, as if he'd only just heard the news. It was too hard on him and too hard on us to sit by and watch that.
When I would go to visit him he would often tell me he wanted out of "this damnable place" which always made me smile as the staff were great, loved him and had many hilarious conversations with him and he had a soft spot for them too. Even though all his VD and many stages he had a strong sense of who he liked and disliked, and strangely enough, those he disliked in the home were people that he would have had no time for had he been 100% fully alert (suits and paper pushers as he called them) All I can say is that you're not lying as such, you're just preventing him from hurting unnecessarily, you're doing a good thing. Thinking of you. xxx

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Pricey

Reading your post reminded me of when my Grandma was in a home. We went without fail, every week , to visit her, and each time we went, she said `Where have you been? I`ve not seen you for weeks.`

It`s good your Dad is in a good home and you`re happy with the care he gets. As for `lying` to him, well I believe sometimes the truth isn`t always the best. To tell him he can go home when he`s better, is the most positive answer you could give him, and he will be comforted by that. If you told him he won`t be going home, it would upset him dreadfully.

My father used to love Bing Crosby too.

Take care and don`t worry. You are doing the best you can or him.

With love

 

[noelphobic]

Hi Pricey

Reading your post reminded me of when my Grandma was in a home. We went without fail, every week , to visit her, and each time we went, she said `Where have you been? I`ve not seen you for weeks.`

My mum has often done this, even when I've only seen her the day before! It caused a major and rather nasty argument with two of her sisters a couple of years ago. Mum was in hospital and when I went to see her these two sisters were already there. They told me that mum had said that no one had been to see her all week. They also said that their other sister had been the day before and had asked the nurse whether there had been any visitors and had been told that there hadn't! I had been to see her every day, and the day that she had been admitted I had been there until the early hours but they would not believe me!

 

[Grannie G]

I can identify with that one too, Brenda.

When my Grandma was in the NH, I got an accusing phone call from one of her friends, at 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning, saying she`d been to visit and had been told no-one ever came to see her.

What do we say to these `well meaning` people. As if we don`t have enough to put up with.

With love

 

[pricey]

hi again
thanks for your kind words. its nice to know there are other people who have had the same experiences. as for well meaning people sticking their oar in theres not a lot you can say to them other than trying to explain to them the situation. i've had the same problem with my brother who has seen my dad only once in about 10 years. this was due to a family bust up . he only came down when dad was in hospital. when mum phoned him a while back my brother asked how many times we visit him? when mum told him(twice a week) he scoffed as if this wasnt enough.at first i was fuming but now i just let it go. dad bless him doesnt remember the bust up and smiles when we read my brothers letters to him which to be fair are nice. dad doesnt really ask after him which i find sad.but that is the harsh reality of this disease. people that arent directly involved or dont have regular contact with the person involved should trust the actions of those that do.
thanks again for your kind words it makes me feel better and more importantly it makes my mum feel a little less guilty. take care everyone.ps sorry to hear about your grandad

 

[pricey]

hi grannie g
forgot to put this on my previous reply. when dad was put in the home i thought it would be nice to get him a video of one of his favorite films 'the road to morroco'with bing crosby and bob hope. after much searching on the web i found a copy. i told him about it when i visited and he seemed quite excited saying that it would be lovely as he hasnt seen it for years. when it arrived i took it with me when i visited at the weekend. i put it in the recorder and settled down with dad to watch one of his (and mine for that matter) favorite films. as the titles started he looked at me and sneered and said "i'm not really that bothered" he said "i've seen it a thousand times" i had to laugh. especially when five minues later we put the film on again as if the previous events hadnt occured. even in these sad times he still has the power to make my day. take care all.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Little white fibs

Hi Pricey,
I'm a little late coming in on this but I firmly believe in lying to someone with AD. My mother would ask about her parents, particularly her mother, every day for weeks & weeks at a time. I quickly learned to say, "Oh they're fine, the same as always" & variations on that theme. Because, as Irish Lisa mentioned, if I told her the truth (Gran died in 1970 & Grandfather in 1971), it was floods of tears &
"Why didn't anyone tell me?" & so on.

Certainly for dementia, truth is an overrated virtue. It's also a little overrated in ordinary life, to digress for a minute. Who among us really didn't need to hear that our new haircut/perm/whatever looked absolutely horrible?

When you tell your dad a little white lie & it eases his mind & comforts him, that is what is important. Making him feel secure & safe is what matters now.

As for the "well meaning" people, some really are well-intentioned, they simply don't have a clue. They need to educated themselves.

I've been lucky, I haven't had anyone suggest I don't go often enough or anything like that. If I did, I suspect the urge to tell them to go mate with themselves would overwhelm me.

Love
Joanne

 

[Grannie G]

So gentille Joanne. I love it!!!

 

[Lynne]

... i was fuming but now i just let it go.

That's the way Pricey; it's so easy for other people to say stupid things, sometimes without meaning to , and letting them get to you is just another aggravation you really don't need! Being an intolerant b**ch myself, I've had to learn this the hard way, but now I try to say to myself "Does it really matter?"

The same applies when my Mum says something which is straight out of her imagination and bears to resemblance to the truth - especially if she has said it in front of someone else .

Regards