Loved ones in a Care Home.
- Thread starter pamann
- Start date
Visited my husband on the secure unit today. Was shown into the visitors lounge and my husband was brought to me. I was not expecting that. He recognised me but was very distressed and agitated and the first thirty minutes were difficult with threatening behaviour. It made me sad to realise how difficult it would be to cope at home now twenty four hours/ seven days a week. If only there was a way. Stayed another hour and a half Fed him his tea and cake. Am exhausted with the journey so am giving tomorrow a miss but will be back there again on Saturday. I am so shocked at the quickness of the deterioration in his condition. If he stays in this unit the care plan assessment meeting will be Thursday. Need to know what happens next.
My experience was that after 6 months time had taken the edge off her behaviour and the medications tried and tweaked so she's relatively calm now.
I then had to find her a care home and sort out with the LA who paid for what, as she was section 3 it's funded under section 117.
There were people in there before us and still there when we left, one man's family were looking for care but nowhere would take him. He's from Manchester but they were looking as far away as Preston and Yorkshire.
I found accepting she'd never be coming home very hard but whenever I see her I realise I wouldn't be able to cope.
K
I then had to find her a care home and sort out with the LA who paid for what, as she was section 3 it's funded under section 117.
There were people in there before us and still there when we left, one man's family were looking for care but nowhere would take him. He's from Manchester but they were looking as far away as Preston and Yorkshire.
I found accepting she'd never be coming home very hard but whenever I see her I realise I wouldn't be able to cope.
K
Hello Rosebay, so sorry you are having to make this long journey to see your husband, its distressing enough without that.
My husband was quite aggressive 4 care homes turned him down, he is calm now due to medication. I do not think you will be able to manage him at home, l hope a CH is found nearer to you. Do you have family to support you? Thinking of you at this difficult time.
My husband was quite aggressive 4 care homes turned him down, he is calm now due to medication. I do not think you will be able to manage him at home, l hope a CH is found nearer to you. Do you have family to support you? Thinking of you at this difficult time.
Visiting
Visiting my husband has proved too difficult for me by public transport. An old fitness club friend rang me out of the blue last night and I just burst into tears. Every route I tried to take from home avoiding Manchester and Liverpool I couldn't get the bus and train times to line up. I know this will sound pathetic but I have never travelled on my own to Manchester and never to Liverpool before and am nervous about travelling home in the dark. My husband and I have always done everything together and I am struggling to find a way to cope without him here at home with me. Anyhow my friend is taking me today and she is going to accompany me on Monday to Manchester and Liverpool and then to the hospital. By car it is only an hour and half away if the motorway is not busy but by train and buses I think I am looking at about a three hours journey door to door There are still no beds at my local hospital which is within walking distance from my house and as far as I know no EMI beds available either so he could be there a long time. I cant even look for a place in Oxfordshire yet for him until I know if I am able to house move using some of his savings and share of the house - see new post. My world is turned upside down and he looks so thin and lost . I know I was struggling at home to cope but this separation is just so much worse to handle.
Visiting my husband has proved too difficult for me by public transport. An old fitness club friend rang me out of the blue last night and I just burst into tears. Every route I tried to take from home avoiding Manchester and Liverpool I couldn't get the bus and train times to line up. I know this will sound pathetic but I have never travelled on my own to Manchester and never to Liverpool before and am nervous about travelling home in the dark. My husband and I have always done everything together and I am struggling to find a way to cope without him here at home with me. Anyhow my friend is taking me today and she is going to accompany me on Monday to Manchester and Liverpool and then to the hospital. By car it is only an hour and half away if the motorway is not busy but by train and buses I think I am looking at about a three hours journey door to door There are still no beds at my local hospital which is within walking distance from my house and as far as I know no EMI beds available either so he could be there a long time. I cant even look for a place in Oxfordshire yet for him until I know if I am able to house move using some of his savings and share of the house - see new post. My world is turned upside down and he looks so thin and lost . I know I was struggling at home to cope but this separation is just so much worse to handle.
No advice to offer, just hugs. What a dreadful thing this Dementia is, the way it destroys the people we love.
Hello Rosebay, your long journey sounds horrendous!!! l know how it feels to travel on your own, l travelled on the train to London, l had to push myself to get on the train, never been anywhere without my husband. If you think you could look after your husband at home, maybe SS will give you a care package, so that you get help with the caring, see what they say, have you had an assessment yet?
Future Care Plan meting
Meeting next week so will know more then but Mental Health Nurse has already told me that his care can only be met in a Nursing Home with dementia EMI
Some good news just found a train route I would be happier travelling on my own with via Crewe and Chester Got to pull myself together.
Meeting next week so will know more then but Mental Health Nurse has already told me that his care can only be met in a Nursing Home with dementia EMI
Some good news just found a train route I would be happier travelling on my own with via Crewe and Chester Got to pull myself together.
Hello Rosebay. What a dreadful time you are having. Don't go blaming yourself for feeling vulnerable when you are used to doing everything with your husband. You have been thrown into a situation which would be difficult for anyone and you are doing your best under extremely difficult circumstances. See what comes out of the meeting next week and you might be able to see a clearer picture. Thinking of you and wish I could help.x
Hello Rosebay. I haven't commented on your posts up to now as I've been quite busy, but today I had time to catch up and also read your earlier posts and I am now in tears as your experience was much like mine. My husband has been in care now for just over 2 years, but the memory of that awful day when he was sectioned, and how I felt I'd let him down still haunts me. I look at old photos and cry - wishing I could have my lovely man back.
I also think the same as Kevinl - that to be barred from visiting your husband when he first went into respite was very cruel. Professionals say its for the best, and I was told by the social worker to stay away from my husband for 2 weeks, but I couldn't bear it - I visited after 4 days.
He is in a good care home now, and is always pleased to see me, but still wants to go "home" which I know isn't a real place as he was frantic to go "home" when he was at home, like your husband was, and it was when he was at his most difficult. He still has outbursts of aggression, especially during personal care, but the staff manage him well, and he does forget immediately after any aggressive episode.
He thinks the care home is his home, and doesn't like or mix with the other residents - thinks they shouldn't be in his "space". He is mostly in the dining room or garden on his own when the others are in the lounge, or he walks the corridors. He likes the carers, and they are so good and kind to him, even though he is so difficult at times.
At first it was very difficult to leave him after a visit, as I had to get staff to distract him while I sneaked out, but now I make sure I go out of his sight several times on a visit, so he gets used to me coming and going, so when I finally do go, he is not aware that I've gone for good, and I know now that he forgets I've been almost immediately. Sometimes he even forgets who I am when I re-appear, which makes it even easier to leave. Its quite a good tip that you might want to use.
I do hope you can find a care home that will accept him nearer to you - the distance you have to travel is far too much. I am sure with more regular contact with you, your husband would become more settled.
I'm sending you big hugs and hope you find the strength to get through this difficult time. xx
I also think the same as Kevinl - that to be barred from visiting your husband when he first went into respite was very cruel. Professionals say its for the best, and I was told by the social worker to stay away from my husband for 2 weeks, but I couldn't bear it - I visited after 4 days.
He is in a good care home now, and is always pleased to see me, but still wants to go "home" which I know isn't a real place as he was frantic to go "home" when he was at home, like your husband was, and it was when he was at his most difficult. He still has outbursts of aggression, especially during personal care, but the staff manage him well, and he does forget immediately after any aggressive episode.
He thinks the care home is his home, and doesn't like or mix with the other residents - thinks they shouldn't be in his "space". He is mostly in the dining room or garden on his own when the others are in the lounge, or he walks the corridors. He likes the carers, and they are so good and kind to him, even though he is so difficult at times.
At first it was very difficult to leave him after a visit, as I had to get staff to distract him while I sneaked out, but now I make sure I go out of his sight several times on a visit, so he gets used to me coming and going, so when I finally do go, he is not aware that I've gone for good, and I know now that he forgets I've been almost immediately. Sometimes he even forgets who I am when I re-appear, which makes it even easier to leave. Its quite a good tip that you might want to use.
I do hope you can find a care home that will accept him nearer to you - the distance you have to travel is far too much. I am sure with more regular contact with you, your husband would become more settled.
I'm sending you big hugs and hope you find the strength to get through this difficult time. xx
Struggling
I have now used up all the goodwill of my neighbours to take me to visit my husband by car. Being stuck on the motorway for nearly three quarters of an hour did not help the journey home today. Just over two hours to get home!!! I clocked the mileage today it was 120 miles round trip. I am tired out. My husband always recognises me which is so nice as sometimes at home he didnt. Then he cries because he hasnt seen me for such a long time - in his mind. He takes about five to ten minutes to settle him down. Then he chatters away making some sense to me but not to others. Then he wants to be off wandering and of course I cant go out of the visitors lounge so he gets agitated. He wanders off comes back with a nurse. Then off he goes again and the nurse comes back with him again. He has no idea how long the journey takes to visit him and that this is suppose to be our time together. Yesterday he even joined another family visiting their loved one in the visitors lounge and wouldnt come and sit with me at all. I feel I am losing him and I dont know what I am going to do.
I have now used up all the goodwill of my neighbours to take me to visit my husband by car. Being stuck on the motorway for nearly three quarters of an hour did not help the journey home today. Just over two hours to get home!!! I clocked the mileage today it was 120 miles round trip. I am tired out. My husband always recognises me which is so nice as sometimes at home he didnt. Then he cries because he hasnt seen me for such a long time - in his mind. He takes about five to ten minutes to settle him down. Then he chatters away making some sense to me but not to others. Then he wants to be off wandering and of course I cant go out of the visitors lounge so he gets agitated. He wanders off comes back with a nurse. Then off he goes again and the nurse comes back with him again. He has no idea how long the journey takes to visit him and that this is suppose to be our time together. Yesterday he even joined another family visiting their loved one in the visitors lounge and wouldnt come and sit with me at all. I feel I am losing him and I dont know what I am going to do.
Hello Rosebay, so sorry you have had such a bad day, l think if l was in your situation, l would not visit until somewhere nearer is found for your husband, l think that what with the long journey, and your husband the way he is, you are getting so much more stressed than being at home and not visiting him. I do hope they soon find a CH nearer to you.
It does distress me seeing him knowing that I can't live with him any more but not seeing him too is distressing for me. I am also not coping with being on my own. I am so worked up tonight I can't think straight and can't sleep. I guess it's a good job I have the doctors appointment maybe I need counselling.
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Hello Rosebay, counselling would be good for you, a lady who visits her husband at my husbands CH has counselling, it has helped her, she is an elderly lady of 83, but young for her age they have been married for 60yrs, l feel for her so much.
Give the counselling a try. I think you will start to feel better when your husband is nearer to you.
Give the counselling a try. I think you will start to feel better when your husband is nearer to you.
I would support this; I've now had three visits to a counsellor-arranged by my GP -and, although I'm still struggling since OH went into care, it is helping me to sort my head out. Hoping things get easier for you.
What is happening???? I was told by the hospital they were moving my husband a bit nearer to me It is still out of my area though (but one train journey less away) but it never happened. Thanks to the goodwill of neighbours i have managed to see my husband four times by their cars and I did the trip by buses and three trains yesterday ten hours round trip!!! The visits are not going well. In just a week the deterioration in his condition is frightening. Yesterday I spent two hours in the hospital and he would not stay in the visitors lounge with me. Because he is sectioned I am not allowed to his room or wander with him. Yesterday he did not even recognise me so why would he want to sit with me. He was not dressed in his own clothes which upset me. I guess because he has lost so much weight his clothes are too big but I can't sort this out because of the distance. He has been catheterised because of urine retention - does anyone know if this is one of the stages of this disease. The best interest meeting was cancelled by the mental health representative due to circumstances beyond her control. I am so upset as I needed this meeting. I seem more exhausted now than I ever did when I was caring for my husband at home so I have decided to go to my mums in Oxfordshire for a few days and not visit my husband again until next week. I am so hoping that yesterday was just a bad day for him and he will know me when I go again. I thought I was struggling before but now I am overwhelmed with it all. How do i cope when there is no recognition no holding of hands no cuddles and no kisses. Just one week ago he was so pleased to see me and now .......
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Hello Rosebay, so sorry yesterday's visit was so upsetting for you, you are having such a difficult time, pleased you are going to stay with your mother, hope you get lots of support from her. Please go and see your Dr. you need some much needed help. Sending you a (((((((BIG HUG)))))))
So sorry, Rosebay. Let's hope they can get the right meds to help your husband. You and he have had a massive upheaval because of this illness...I hope a few days with your mum will help you, and that somewhere can be found for him to settle...
