I would like to start a new thread, there a quite a few of us with loved ones in a CH, as quoted in Bugsbunny's post nobody knows what it is like until it happens to them. My husband has been in care for 8 months, it breaks my heart everyday, he is never out of my mind, although he is now quite settled. Hopefully we can help each other with our problems.
Hi,
Only just seen this thread but yes it's more than hard to have a life friend, partner and husband in a care home. My OH went into care last November so it's now almost 7 months.
He went through a settled time when he seemed quite accepting of his situation but at the moment his sole topic of conversation is about coming home. He becomes very distressed when I visit , crying to come home and be with me all the time. I believe the home he means is where we used to live when we first married, but he is still canny enough to side step the question " where is home" because he says its wherever I am.
The care staff say he is having some very lucid moments when he seems to know exactly what's happening, and then he becomes confused. I guess that's the nature of the condition.
I too drive home on many occasions crying because I feel distressed about leaving him, I feel guilty about not having been able to cope, and I can't bear to see him slowly disappearing. I even wonder sometimes if I had taken him back home after his section and hospital stay if things would have been better for him.
He has confided in the music therapist how he feels and she told me that last week he was very distressed. He just wants me to be happy and has said he has never been good enough for me! He knows he is " losing it" and can't do anything about it. I can't imagine how tormented he must feel
He talks to me about "getting out of the home "and yet as far as I know has never tried to break out. I really want to take him out for a couple of hours but his mobility is worse and also he is becoming more incontinent.
I have been advised not to take him out on my own in case he decides not to get back in the car, and with no family close enough I don't feel I can ask friends to take on that responsibility.
I was told that it would get easier but it doesn't. I just want my lovely man back.
I am heartbroken.
I felt so sad for you, reading your post, as it brought back memories of when my late husband was in a Care Home, and how similar thoughts went through my mind. And how I would drive home in tears, feeling his distress, and feeling guilty. I know it's easy to say (and I say this to others a lot), but you have no reason to feel guilty - none of us have, or had a reason, but it nearly always happens.
Those of us who were lucky enough to find our life partners early, and had many happy decades together, find it especially difficult when we see them disappearing, day by day, and what is so frustrating for us, is knowing there is nothing we can do about it.
I used to take John in the car, for hospital appointments (he had various other illnesses), until that became so difficult that I would book ambulance services, because even locating a wheelchair, whilst having to leave him in the car, eventually became a major problem.
I often fretted about him being in the Care Home, and wondered if I could manage again at home, as I had done for nearly 12 years - but I knew I wouldn't be able to cope. When our loved ones are at home, and we have disturbed nights, and can't sleep, and frankly are exhausted, there isn't another "shift" of workers, who take over after 8 hours, whereas there are in a Care Home.
I feel for you so much, and hope that you're managing to have some treats now and then. Sending cyber hugs. xxx
I too drive home on many occasions crying because I feel distressed about leaving him, I feel guilty about not having been able to cope, and I can't bear to see him slowly disappearing. I even wonder sometimes if I had taken him back home after his section and hospital stay if things would have been better for him.