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Loved ones in a Care Home.

Kaatt

Registered User
Sep 5, 2016
9
Thank you for all of the support and replies. If he responds well to this round of antibiotics ( his 10th in 5months) and deemed medically fit, they will set the ball rolling next week. Deep down I know it will be the best place for him, I try and think of it as more of a posh hospital, than a new home.
 

Bugsbunny4

Registered User
Nov 6, 2015
80
Yorkshire
Thank you for all of the support and replies. If he responds well to this round of antibiotics ( his 10th in 5months) and deemed medically fit, they will set the ball rolling next week. Deep down I know it will be the best place for him, I try and think of it as more of a posh hospital, than a new home.
Hi Kaat,
I have been reading the thread of your posts and just want to say that when your father is settled in a home you will be able to visit as often as you like, and stay as long as you want. Or on the days when you are not feeling too good you can stay at home knowing Dad is being looked after. Even better still your visits will be quality time together. X
 

Bugsbunny4

Registered User
Nov 6, 2015
80
Yorkshire
Yesterday's visit

Yesterday was my second visit after having had two days off. My husband was in tears when I arrived and was being comforted by the chaplain who does the weekly service.
He looked so surprised and pleased to see me and asked where I had been for the last two years. I smiled and said I'd been yesterday but understood it must seem like forever to him.
He stopped crying but carried on telling me he didn't understand why he has to be separated from me, asked what it was he'd done wrong. I assured him he had never done anything wrong at all and was there because he needed to be safe. Suddenly he said " I know why I'm here, it's because I had my hands round your throat. " I almost fell out of the chair. This incident happened months before he went into respite way back around July 2015 and he didn't hurt me. I assured him it was nothing to do with that at all. I sat at the side of him in tears as I just thought of the torment he must be in most of the time, constantly looking for me with not much else to do to take his mind off me, and there he was telling me he thought he was there as a kind of punishment. Then he said he needed to get a rope and finish himself off because he was a wastrel and no good to anyone. It took me a while to pull myself together but I don't think he could see I was upset.
After that he started to talk about us going on holiday together because he wants to spend time with me. The holiday theme has been going on for about two weeks and whatever I say I can't change the topic. He has no understanding at all of how much help I would need to be able to go on holiday. So all I can keep saying is that we need to ask the doctor about that, or that our son might want to go as well, so we have to wait to see when it can be fitted in.
I have decided to visit today but I will have Sunday off. I felt awful when I got home yesterday.
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Hello bugsbunny,
I have two days off a week now, but only one day at a time, did you have two days straight off, if so that would be too long without seeing him. My husband used to cry alot when l missed a day, but now he doesn't l think after a while they do get used to not seeing you. I am surprised he remembered what happen last year, maybe he had a dream. Every visit has something different to deal with, nothing goes as we would like it to. Do you stay very long when you visit, l am always there for 6hrs, l go late afternoon and stay for the evening, then l say to Ed l am going to bed, as he thinks l live there with him. He seems to accept it now. It does give me most of the day free, the home is not busy no visitors, most residents are going to bed from 6pm. Its good quality time with Ed. Hope you find todays visit better.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
I'm so sorry that you were upset when you visited BugsBunny. But you are saying the right thing about the suggested holiday by putting the onus on "The Doctor", and that the decision rests with him, not you.

Only you know if a holiday would be possible. Personally, I found a half hour visit to the local garden centre traumatic enough, and when we returned home, John had forgotten we'd been anyway.

Also, he often woke me in the middle of the night and asked what time the plane was, to take us home, and that he'd done his packing (a pair of socks in his toiletry bag ;)), so I'd mumble something like "it's not for a few hours yet", so I suppose in his mind we were frequent flyers. :)
 

Bugsbunny4

Registered User
Nov 6, 2015
80
Yorkshire
Hello bugsbunny,
I have two days off a week now, but only one day at a time, did you have two days straight off, if so that would be too long without seeing him. My husband used to cry alot when l missed a day, but now he doesn't l think after a while they do get used to not seeing you. I am surprised he remembered what happen last year, maybe he had a dream. Every visit has something different to deal with, nothing goes as we would like it to. Do you stay very long when you visit, l am always there for 6hrs, l go late afternoon and stay for the evening, then l say to Ed l am going to bed, as he thinks l live there with him. He seems to accept it now. It does give me most of the day free, the home is not busy no visitors, most residents are going to bed from 6pm. Its good quality time with Ed. Hope you find todays visit better.
Yes I had two days off together, and when I go it's usually only for 2/3 hrs. Occasionally it's 4/5.
Also I have had two separate weeks on holiday this year and am due to go again later this month. So I need to knock some days off so a whole week won't seem endless to him. I feel like I am being unfair to my husband now I Know how long you stay.
 

sleepless

Registered User
Feb 19, 2010
3,223
The Sweet North
Yes I had two days off together, and when I go it's usually only for 2/3 hrs. Occasionally it's 4/5.
Also I have had two separate weeks on holiday this year and am due to go again later this month. So I need to knock some days off so a whole week won't seem endless to him. I feel like I am being unfair to my husband now I Know how long you stay.
My dad is in a nursing home, so I have some experience of visiting, but not with spouse in a home.
I think everyone has to work out which is best -- longer visits will suit some, others cope better with shorter ones. Same with frequency. And of course it can change over time. Comparing with others is not helpful because every circumstance is different. In finding the balance between what suits your husband and yourself, a little compromise is often needed, from either side.
 

Bugsbunny4

Registered User
Nov 6, 2015
80
Yorkshire
I'm so sorry that you were upset when you visited BugsBunny. But you are saying the right thing about the suggested holiday by putting the onus on "The Doctor", and that the decision rests with him, not you.

Only you know if a holiday would be possible. Personally, I found a half hour visit to the local garden centre traumatic enough, and when we returned home, John had forgotten we'd been anyway.

Also, he often woke me in the middle of the night and asked what time the plane was, to take us home, and that he'd done his packing (a pair of socks in his toiletry bag ;)), so I'd mumble something like "it's not for a few hours yet", so I suppose in his mind we were frequent flyers. :)
Hi Scarlet
Unfortunately a holiday isn't really a possibility. We last went abroad 2015 June. The journey there was ok really and I had chosen a familiar hotel. However there were problems although some of the time it was ok. Travelling back was not pleasant and he became very confused on the flight. All too long for him, thought we'd been on the plane 8hrs after the first two of a 4 hr flight. After that things seemed to get worse and I can't be sure the flight didn't have something to do with it.
I am advised not to take him out f the home on my own and because I have no family close by I haven't taken hm anywhere yet and I don't think he would go back in.
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
Essex
Hi Scarlet
Unfortunately a holiday isn't really a possibility. We last went abroad 2015 June. The journey there was ok really and I had chosen a familiar hotel. However there were problems although some of the time it was ok. Travelling back was not pleasant and he became very confused on the flight. All too long for him, thought we'd been on the plane 8hrs after the first two of a 4 hr flight. After that things seemed to get worse and I can't be sure the flight didn't have something to do with it.
I am advised not to take him out f the home on my own and because I have no family close by I haven't taken hm anywhere yet and I don't think he would go back in.
Our last holiday, anywhere, was about 11 years ago. After John went into a Care Home, 2 years ago, I would only take him out for hospital visits, and after a couple of months, this was only by ambulance. He was only there for a few months till he died, but I'm glad we had all the years before his AD, to make happy memories together.
 

Rosebay

Registered User
Jul 27, 2014
165
Oxfordshire
I am now joining this post with a sad heart. I am here still awake worrying about My husband who has been in care since Wednesday. This was suppose to be respite but he is not responding to his new medication to calm him down. I have just been told if there are any more incidents they intend to move him to a hospital secure unit. In my heart I know I will
Be unable to care for him at home any more. I took myself off on the day he went in to my family in the south as I needed to be amongst them for support. I dread going back home next week now to our empty house surrounded by his things and to the meetings with adult social services and mental health team. I am desperate to see my husband as I feel I have abandoned him but I am also scared of what I am going to find. Who helps the carers get through this stage when everything is out of our control


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Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
Cotswolds
Very sorry , Rosebay, to read that you're so sad about being unable to care for your husband at home.....You'll find people on here who understand exactly how you're feeling. Many of us are making a similar journey, and it's good to hold hands.

You might find he's more settled if the meds are the right ones for him; and he's in the right place, where there will be kindness and understanding if he's upset...I do hope your visit will be positive....

I've found that although friends and family try hard to understand, the best support I've had has been from kind people on here, who understand. Hoping that next week is better than you fear....
 

pamann

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
2,635
Kent
Hello Rosebay,
I know just what you are going through, l was there a year ago, l had my family and close friends for support.
It will be quite a difficult time for you, but l found after a few weeks l was so relieved not to do 24/7 caring.
Once you start to feel better, you will be able to cope better. I have had lots of ups and downs with my husband, but l know he is in the best place, the girls are so kind and caring, my husband now seems to have got used to his way of life, l have just cut down on visiting, l now miss 2 days aweek, as he doesn't seem to know those days l am not there.
Do you have family or friends at home? Contact your local Alzheimers group, l am sure they run a counselling service.
Keep posting let us know how you are, we will be here to support you.
 

Bugsbunny4

Registered User
Nov 6, 2015
80
Yorkshire
I am now joining this post with a sad heart. I am here still awake worrying about My husband who has been in care since Wednesday. This was suppose to be respite but he is not responding to his new medication to calm him down. I have just been told if there are any more incidents they intend to move him to a hospital secure unit. In my heart I know I will
Be unable to care for him at home any more. I took myself off on the day he went in to my family in the south as I needed to be amongst them for support. I dread going back home next week now to our empty house surrounded by his things and to the meetings with adult social services and mental health team. I am desperate to see my husband as I feel I have abandoned him but I am also scared of what I am going to find. Who helps the carers get through this stage when everything is out of our control


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Hello Rosebay
Oh how I feel for you. In August last year I was in just the same position so I know how you feel, and it's not a good place to be.
My husband was taken from respite into hospital and although the news of that made me feel desperate the hospital turned out to be a pleasant environment where the level of care was very good. I've been through all the guilt and stress you can imagine from that time but I have managed to carve out a life for myself alongside visiting my husband in his care home. I never thought he would settle but he did.
Try not to think everything is out of control, it's just not going the way you wanted it to.
Someone told me to
" accept what is, let go of what was, trust in what will be"
this has helped me a lot.
As for who looks after the carers the care staff at my husbands home are very aware of my well being and support me. Also the families of other residents understand. The people who post to theses threads have all been through the same trauma, so they are really supportive.
Take care X
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
I am now joining this post with a sad heart. I am here still awake worrying about My husband who has been in care since Wednesday. This was suppose to be respite but he is not responding to his new medication to calm him down. I have just been told if there are any more incidents they intend to move him to a hospital secure unit. In my heart I know I will
Be unable to care for him at home any more. I took myself off on the day he went in to my family in the south as I needed to be amongst them for support. I dread going back home next week now to our empty house surrounded by his things and to the meetings with adult social services and mental health team. I am desperate to see my husband as I feel I have abandoned him but I am also scared of what I am going to find. Who helps the carers get through this stage when everything is out of our control


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Hello Rosebay, my husband has been in his care home for over a year and like you I felt so guilty as I felt like I had abandoned him but I realized I couldn't care for him safely at home anymore I found the first few weeks the most difficult but I began to feel better when I realized I was,still caring but in a different way sadly my OH no longer recognises me and is unable to communicate but I like to think he knows I am there.
As someone else said the care home staff are very supportive to family.
Hope things improve for you both sending you a big hug Xxx
 

Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
5,835
Mum is really finding things hard at the moment , although dad isn't yet in a home (still searching to get him out of hospital) she feels very much that he is alone , neglected , that she has failed him :(
He doesn't know who has visited , when or even if he has eaten that day.
 

Bugsbunny4

Registered User
Nov 6, 2015
80
Yorkshire
Mum is really finding things hard at the moment , although dad isn't yet in a home (still searching to get him out of hospital) she feels very much that he is alone , neglected , that she has failed him :(
He doesn't know who has visited , when or even if he has eaten that day.


Try to reassure your mum that in no way has she failed. She should be thinking along the lines of perhaps the time has come for her husband to be looked after by someone else so she can spend quality time with him from now on.
No one says it's easy but 24/7 care isn't a job for one person.
I wish you all the best.
X
 

Rosebay

Registered User
Jul 27, 2014
165
Oxfordshire
My husband has only been in the nursing home since Wednesday and he has dismantled / broken a games console and also a toilet seat. He wants to take things apart. He was a mechanical engineer so I guess that's not surprising behaviour The home have got him a fiddle blanket but I was wondering if anyone else's
partner does this and if anyone could recommend any Adult toys that I could buy and take in to him on Wednesday when I do my first visit. Am travelling back from my family on Tuesday and must admit am quite anxious to go home to our empty house. I think I will sleep in the spare bedroom not sure I can face being surrounded by all his personal items in our bedroom yet. X


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Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,003
Colchester