1. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    I took mum out with the girls yeserday morning to feed the ducks (it's one of the few times I see mum laugh so it's become a regular trip out now).

    I was watching her feeding the ducks with the girls when I suddenly realised that I don't love her as my mum anymore - it feels more like how I love my girls. Does that make sense?

    It kind of surprised me really but the same feelings are there - the urge to protect her, the pride I feel when she manages to do something for herself or the relief I feel when I can see that something has made her happy (however briefly)?

    I suppose in hindsight it was inevitable because she doesn't relate to me as her daughter and looks to me to tell her what she should so or where she should go when she's with me.

    Have other people found this?

    Kate P
    XXX
     
  2. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Hi Kate

    I understand totally. To me, my Mum has gone and I have been able to say good bye to her and grieve for her, but the lady who is my Mum now is someone I need to protect and think about as I would a child.

    When my Mum finally goes it will be this lady that I grieve for rather than my Mum.

    I think that this acceptance of the situation has helped me so much to deal with all the things that dementia throws at you.

    (((((hugs)))))

    Mameeskye
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,661
    Kent
    It`s the same with husbands too. We are no longer equal, he depends on me to look after him and to protect him, and he knows it, which doesn`t help.

    And I have to think of him before I can make any arrangement, whereas before, I had the frredom to do as I wished.
     
  4. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Feel the same way

    Hi Kate,
    I look after my 88yo Mum, and although we've always been close over the years and still are, the relationship has certainly changed. Up to 5 years ago we were good friends, 'equals' in our adult relationship. Now Mum's attitude to me is much more needy and clingy as she becomes less & less capable of doing things for herself, and I suppose my role has changed to one resembling a parent.

    :( I find it difficult, now, to remember her as my Mother, which is very sad as she was a terrific, vibrant and intelligent person, and I was so proud of her.

    Best wishes
     
  5. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    It's not completely a bad thing - in some respects it was nice to feel a strong rush of love for her in anyway as quite a lot of the time I feel very removed from her.

    I don't know if that makes sense and I really don't want to offend anyone but it's really hard sometimes to keep loving someone who doesn't respond to you emotionally in anyway. I can't remember the last time that mum smiled at me.

    I'd always thought that the only unconditional love was from a parent to a child but it seems I was wrong.

    Kate P
    XXX
     
  6. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,418
    I know exactly what you mean Kate. I felt the same way after my Mother had her strokes, and I'm not sure it's not one's pysche protecting one. However, a month after her death I have noticed that the person that I'm missing is my mother: not the sometimes difficult to handle, fractious person she became, but the capable loving mother she was. In a way, her death has allowed me to rememebr her as my mother, which can't be a bad thing.

    Love
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,661
    Kent
    Dear Jennifer,

    It certainly can`t be a bad thing if you are remembering her as she was as your mother, and not as she was in her final years.

    Love xx
     
  8. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Just returned from visiting Lionel.

    Yes I smothered him in kisses, and told him many, many times that I loved him.
    Thinking back, I used to do exactly the same to my two sons when they were very young.

    Thats not how I try to see my dear man, just how things are.
     
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Me too, Connie. I even told him to be good as I left!
     
  10. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,418
    Just a sec Hazel: I'm not sure you should be kissing Lionel! :D
     
  11. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    9,222
    Hello Kate, I find I love my mother MORE now than when I was younger and she was her 'proper' self. I think it's because there was an ambivalence running through our relationship from childhood, whereas now I know she loves and needs me. She is terribly frail and usually completely 'in another world' when I visit her, but when I arrive she always knows it's me, usually beams and says 'Oh it's my Debs' and the rush of affection between us is quite wonderful. She certainly is like 'a child' in her neediness, but occasionally, if I overstep the mark, she stops me and reminds me that she is 'the boss', which I am delighted to acknowledge.
    At the moment I don't miss her former personality, but I do feel a searing pity for her loss of former power and memory. She still amazes me. Today she was complaining about a draught in the room. When I explained I had turned on a fan to cool her down and asked her if I should switch it off again, she said I should find out what other people wanted. I said, "it's time to stop worrying about other people, you've done a lot of that all your life, now let's think about you!" Imagine a 92 year old woman virtually fully disabled physically and mentally by dementia, stopping to consider what other people want! What's not to love, as they say? :)
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Why on earth not? Connie and I have soooooooo much in common!:D
     
  13. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Kate
    i know what you mean exactly....this is how I felt with mum.....I became fiercely protective of her as if she were one of my children. I came to love her in a different way....more as a naughty toddler!!!!

    Jennifer

    Spooky!!!! I could have written that myself.....thats exactly how i feel:eek:

    Love
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,661
    Kent
    What a wonderful post Deborah.

    I hope you and your mother continue to have this enviable relationship for as long as possible.

    With love xx
     

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