1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. grimsby28

    grimsby28 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2008
    31
    grimsby
    hi i have cried a lot today as mum has gone in to full time care it has been so hard she is blaming me for everything it is so hard every one else is wonderful ecept me it is not my mum anymore this awful disease has taken her away from me and i have no cotrol over it i have tried so hard to care for her but i just cant do it anymore my own health is suffering my own children are very supportive and my husband to but my sisters and brother are not what they dont relize is when they walk out the door they forget about her but me i have to live with her and care for her i feel like she is lost to me will it this feeling ever go away or will i have to live with this guilt of not been able to keep my promise to her that i would never put her in a care home she has lost all control over her toliet issues i dont know what stage she is in it has been like this a couple of months can anyone tell me what to expect next thanks
     
  2. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Hello Grimsby28

    I'm so sorry you're feeling so low today - of course you're upset - it's always going to be difficult to make that decision for your mum to have full time care.

    We're not at that stage yet but I'm sure lots of others will come on and tell you their experience of it.

    I must admit when we reach that point, it's a decision I will dread but I see no way of it not happening if I'm honest.

    Has your mum only just gone in? You need to give her time to settle - she's bound to blame you just now because you are the one closest to her - my dad comes in for hell from my mum, again because he is her main carer - it seems to be the way of it.

    Hopefully your mum will settle in and you will get back some of your former relationship with her as you'll be less tired and stressed than you've been up to now. You will be able to enjoy your time with her more because it's not 24 hours a day.

    I truly hope all goes well for you but for now rest, look after yourself and hope that all will be better soon. Please don't feel guilty for "breaking your promise". I don't think anyone can ever really make that kind of promise because with this disease it reaches a point where you do have to have extra help.

    Take care.
     
  3. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    ..I cry with you...

    Grimsby I am so sorry. I wish I could make your tears go away, but they are what make each of us unique. I promised mom I would keep her at home, but then I also live in the US where homes are not really set up for late stage AD. I have altered my life drastically in the last year and each day is still changing.....don't worry if you feel guilty(I still do, I get so mad at my brother and his children and even my other half who can walk away) You need a vacation with yourself, sometime to really sit down and think life thru....I still get depressed that my mother is now my charge and really sometimes I wish she were a baby (at least we would grow out of the feedings and diapers) I know this won't happen, but then I sit down take a deep breath and think about life....it doesn't last forever.

    I see how she has diminished as a person and I think that at the very least I can do is make her comfortable tilll her time comes.
    Even tho' she is at home that may well end up being a home for her also, but it will be for the best for her. Just as you want to do the best for her you must realize that she wanted the best for you....an AD patient is no longer the person you knew growing up..they are for better words taken over. Enjoy the new person you have now and don't blame yourself, just look at yourself as Gods helper in getting her safely to his door in a comfortable way.

    I am so sorry if I have offended anyone. I really do not mean too. If you want a more impersonal look at what is to come or what can happen in a year there are posts here. (>>Reason...is a post of our last year and her decline) I have also posted elsewhere of what life will eventually (Hopefully not for everyone) or can be in the future for an AD patient and the family.
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Grimsby

    Please don't be upset, or feel guilty. You have done the only thing possible.

    I remember from your earlier posts that you were at the end of your tether, and really there was no alternative.

    Your brother and sisters have no right to criticise. They left you with all the stress of caring for your mum. If they felt so strongly, they could have offered to have her for a while in turn.

    Your mum will soon settle, and hopefully you will begin to get your strength back, and will be able to enjoy visiting her, and perhaps taking her out for a while.

    You've done the right thing.
     
  5. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    Hazel has said all I wanted to say.
    please please don't blame yourself, you have done your very best and looked after your mum as you could but you must think of your own needs as well, take time for you and look after yourself
    hugs
     
  6. grimsby28

    grimsby28 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2008
    31
    grimsby
    bad day today

    thank you all for your support i dont know what i would have done if it was not for this site have deciede to get some normallity back in our lives going to have friends round tomorrow for meal and chat like we use to as havent had anyone round since mum came to live with us as she did not like us having them as it confused her to much my brother has been to see me quiet surprised at what he said he was so supportive think he was shocked at seeing how ill i looked and he said he felt guilty at not being there for me which i was surprised at he going to have chat with the care home staff tomorrow as i ask him to so he will relize how bad mum is still have so much guilt in me just hope it goes away soon thanks to you all
     
  7. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Hello Grimsby28

    I haven't had to go through this (yet?) but I can't see how anyone can bypass feeling awful about it. It is something that many people on here have had to experience and I can't remember one post where they've said it was wonderful!!!

    HOWEVER, I have read what some people have said a bit later on. There is a very encouraging thread called "Ken two and a half week on" by TinaT and although the circumstances are different, it is still nevertheless encouraging in that it shows how things might be.

    Grimsby try to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to hope that you will see the benefits of this move soon.

    Love and best wishes to you

    Helen
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Grimsby

    You're sounding more positive already -- well done!:)

    It's great that your brother has decided to support you, it will be so much easier for you to someone to talk things over with.

    And a great idea to have friends over. I hope you'll be able to make all sorts of plans now.

    As for the guilt, it probably won't ever go away completely, but as your mum continues to deteriorate, you'll come to realise that you couldn't possible have coped. Almost all of us have to come to terms with this in the end.

    Enjoy your evening tomorrow,
     
  9. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    Grimsby

    You MUST stop reproaching yourself
    There comes a point where it truly is not possible to have any kind of normal life while caring for someone with Dementia

    You and your husband and children are fully entitled to peace and quiet and normality along with having friends round

    You have life ahead of you and you must live it without feeling guilt because you have absolutely nothing to be guilty about

    You did your level best
    It was making you ill and lets face it an incontinant dementia patient is simply not an easy or normal situation a normal family can deal with
     
  10. grimsby28

    grimsby28 Registered User

    Feb 4, 2008
    31
    grimsby
    a big thankyou

    Just to say a big thankyou to you all on the alzheimers community for the help you have given to my wife grimsby28 it has made things a lot easier knowing there are others out there going through the same emotions as she is so love to you all and once again thankyou :)
     
  11. hendy

    hendy Registered User

    Feb 20, 2008
    506
    West Yorkshire
    #11 hendy, May 2, 2008
    Last edited: May 2, 2008
    Dear Grimsby
    I know how hard it has been for you to come to terms with mums decline while you have ben caring for her at home. Your previous posts spoke volumes. Your mum is not the same person as she was, but I am sure she will have been proud of you for trying so hard on her behalf. Even though other relatives have been critical. Hazel said it all.
    There are some very informative leaflets describing the later stages of dementia in the reources section. I too felt the need to gain information about this disturbing aspect of the disease. Its stricly reading on a need to know basis. I have realised now how precious the time is that we have left with Dad, he is a different person now, but we still love him just the same. Like you said some people can walk away, but you will never do that to your mum. Whatever your misgivings about placing her in care, you have done your very best for mum and will now be able to enjoy precious moments with her, without the anguish of living with the constant pressure. You can start to have a litle bit of your own life back too. This is what your mum would have wanted. Have a good time with your friends this weekend.
    take care
    hendy
     
  12. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Dear Grimsby28 - that's exactly it, isn't it? We haven't.

    Tonight is my mum's third night in a NH - the first two I slept -- tonight I am just wracked with guilt - sadness - everything .... even though I am hoping this stay is temporary - I could never have imagined how bad this feels ..... but I couldn't meet her needs ..... end of. What I feel we all have to hang onto is that it is not something to reproach ourselves for .... we are all still battling or have all battled the impossible ...... try to live with pride for what you have achieved, not guilt ....

    Love, Karen, x (who has also run out of tissues today)... huge hugs ... xxxxx
     

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