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Lots of pressure and dont know what to do

Fscogirl

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
13
0
Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for your support and advice, I'm in much agreement with what you are all saying and pretty much gave my OH this same ultimatum last night.
This lead to my OH, his other sister who has joint POA and myself having separate discussions with the social worker about our views. So now FIL will be going into to respite the end of the week with a view to permanent care with permission from both POAs.

There's a horrible mixture of feelings of guilt and relief at the moment. I know the next few weeks aren't going to be easy in the slightest but I do hope once my OH sees what it's like not having to worry 24/7 about his dad, he will realise its the right decision.

As I told him today you aren't a bad person you are just clinging on to the memory of your fit and healthy dad. He unfortunately is at the stage where his needs outweigh our help and there's no other option at the moment. We need to start focusing on our children now.

So now just need to speak to thecare home etc about arranging covid test, what he needs to take in with him and how to actually approach the conversation with him about going in.

Why is dementia so cruel and difficult 😩
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,925
0
Dorset
Well done, at least your OH listened and realised that to continue as things are is untenable.
Maybe FIL could be told “ the Drs want you to go for a little rest after your fall”?
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,627
0
A little holiday in a nice hotel is probably the way to go 'just until you feel better' as the doctor advised and it won't cost anything.

If you tell him that it is a care home and mention the word permanent then you will likely be met with great resistance.

I am glad that things are looking better for you and hope that he settles quickly. Don't feel guilty, it is an impossible situation and you are doing the right thing for you and especially for your children.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
73,682
0
Kent
Well done @Fscogirl

I hope from now you will be able to concentrate on yourself and your final weeks of pregnancy. There is absolutely no need for guilt. Sadness, yes but guilt, no. You have done as much as anyone could have in the circumstances.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,233
0
So glad you were able to get your partner to understand and agree. I hope your FiL settles in well and you can all get back to being his family rather than his carers.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,615
0
Well done indeed. I agree that saying the doctor has recommended a little holiday or perhaps a short stay in a lovely nearby convalescent home (this can be a comforting term ) is the way to explain it to your father in law.

I hope it goes well. You sound an extremely nice person and this sounds by far the best solution for you - and also for your father in law.
 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
674
0
I was quite concerned about you . My daughter had a baby two months ago and she found it difficult, let alone with another child, father in law and a farm!
You are doing the right thing...now is the time to rest up for baby
 

Fscogirl

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
13
0
Hi everyone,

So after getting FIL booked into respite for Friday (yesterday), he had a nasty fall (even with 2 sticks) and landed on his head on concrete outside our house. Looking at our CCTV (he sneaked outside while I was dealing with toddler) his legs just gave way from him. This resulted in an A&E visit and hospital stay and them saying he had another stroke sometime in the last few weeks.

Luckily our very supportive social worker got on to hospital and care home straight away and made sure he was directly discharged from ward to home.

This is in a way has helped us with his transition to care home as we can "blame" the doctors for sending him there for physio to help him.

Its been a rough few emotional days but I keep having to remind myself it's for the best and I would never forgive myself if he had a fall like that with us again.

Can't wait until his 2 weeks isolation are over and we can visit and be his family again rather than his carers!

Thanks everyone for your support and tips 💜
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,925
0
Dorset
Sadly you were proved right that he wasn’t safe living with you but hopefully things will improve now he cannot sneak out ! With luck it will have convinced the stroppy family members that it was impossible for you to look after him any longer.
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
304
0
I'm sorry to hear that your FiL had another fall but at least it has ended with him being where he needs to be. Now you can focus on your family and the coming birth and, as you say, get back to being his family instead of his exhausted carer. Wishing you well for the next few weeks.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,233
0
Sorry about the fall, but glad that your father in law is now in a safe place with a team to look after him. You can now concentrate on your toddler and getting ready for the new arrival.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,615
0
That sounds like one of those good things wrapped in a bad package. Much easier to transfer into a care home from hospital than from home. I hope your father in law is ok and settles in well. You know he is in good hands and can focus on the rest of the family. Best of luck with everything.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,627
0
It must be a huge relief to know that he is being looked after and is safe even though the circumstances leading to this were not good but you have been proven right and can move forward with a clear conscience and make plans for your new arrival.

Sometimes things are just meant to happen. Best wishes and good luck.