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Lots of pressure and dont know what to do

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,397
0
Scotland
You are not a bad person. Anyone who is a carer is being asked to give a lot emotionally and physically and in some cases financially. If the rest of the family can’t see that they are not good people and you don’t have to consider them.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,725
0
@Fscogirl You are doing the right thing and you have got to stick to it. Do not be bullied by them, you cannot look after this man with a small child and a baby on the way. Apart from everything else your FIL is a walking health hazard, you have to think about yourself and your baby. What if you picked up some awful bug from him.

He needs to be in a care home for all of your sakes.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,541
0
South coast
Of course you are not a bad person - never doubt that. You have just come to the end of what you are able to do.

Beware - SS will try and persuade you to carry on caring. If they hear any doubt or wavering in your voice, they will take this as accepting that you will continue.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
17,168
0
67
Toronto, Canada
For all your sakes' but particularly your daughter please get him into respite immediately. Do not consult the rest of the family. Just do it. Then, I think you should consider him going into care permanently.
 

JayDeeEmm

Registered User
Mar 29, 2020
19
0
Well as of yesterday I have finally gave up. The last few days it was very obvious FIL was "grumpier" and refusing to change his dirty clothes, refusing to wash his hands, pooing more etc. But yesterday he was more unsteady on his feet that usual. Me and my partner tried to explain hes going to have to use his walking aids about as he's going to fall and it resulted in him shouting at me and my partner and my little girl getting upset hearing it all and shouting "No granda!". She's 2 she shouldn't be near any of this :(
This also meant because my OH is at his busiest time of year work wise, that myself and my daughter were stuck inside on a lovely day. Called OHs sister for help, but while sympathic she was "too busy going out a walk with friends".

The final straw was when he was going on about not being allowed to drive anymore and I explained how he nearly reversed into my car the last time he drove and what if it had been his granddaughter there on the drive. His reply was a shrug of the shoulders and "oh well".

I understand its the dementia talking but enough is enough. I called emergency social worker and they have arranged my social worker to call back tomorrow. I have told family and social work I'm not doing it anymore. No washing, cleaning, sitting with him, even sitting in the same room. He has 4 children that dictate their boundaries yet im not allowed mine.

I feel so angry and upset about it all, I really pray social work do something tomorrow because I honestly think I will have to leave my home if not.....

Please someone tell me im not a bad person cause that's all I feel just now 😩
You're most definitely not a bad person. As a DIL you have gone more than the extra mile. His family should be doing more to support you, if they're so adamant that a care home will kill him. I appreciate that it is a bust time for your OH but he should also be supporting you and your family while standing up to his own family and saying Enough! If they don't like what is being proposed then take on the role of full time unpaid carer themselves. Then see how they fit un a walk with friends! Good luck, and I hope your pregnancy goes well.
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
321
0
@Fscogirl, if there is anywhere you are able to go to and take your child with you, I’d strongly suggest you go. At this point your own health, that of your unborn child and the safety of your daughter are absolutely paramount. Removing yourself from this situation is, in my view, the only way to ensure that your FiL gets the care he needs in the right place. If you stay, even though I know it is your home, Social Services will exert extreme pressure on you to keep going. There is a family here that is simply no doing what they need to and so they must be forced into it by you removing yourself. It sounds harsh but I honestly believe it is the only way your FiL will get what he needs.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,715
0
Well as of yesterday I have finally gave up. The last few days it was very obvious FIL was "grumpier" and refusing to change his dirty clothes, refusing to wash his hands, pooing more etc. But yesterday he was more unsteady on his feet that usual. Me and my partner tried to explain hes going to have to use his walking aids about as he's going to fall and it resulted in him shouting at me and my partner and my little girl getting upset hearing it all and shouting "No granda!". She's 2 she shouldn't be near any of this :(
This also meant because my OH is at his busiest time of year work wise, that myself and my daughter were stuck inside on a lovely day. Called OHs sister for help, but while sympathic she was "too busy going out a walk with friends".

The final straw was when he was going on about not being allowed to drive anymore and I explained how he nearly reversed into my car the last time he drove and what if it had been his granddaughter there on the drive. His reply was a shrug of the shoulders and "oh well".

I understand its the dementia talking but enough is enough. I called emergency social worker and they have arranged my social worker to call back tomorrow. I have told family and social work I'm not doing it anymore. No washing, cleaning, sitting with him, even sitting in the same room. He has 4 children that dictate their boundaries yet im not allowed mine.

I feel so angry and upset about it all, I really pray social work do something tomorrow because I honestly think I will have to leave my home if not.....

Please someone tell me im not a bad person cause that's all I feel just now 😩

Stand your ground. You are doing the right thing, the best thing for everybody. You are most definitely NOT a bad person. We all feel that way when considering residential care but we have to be brave and carry on. We're all willing you on!
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,724
0
Nottinghamshire
I’ve had experience of trying to care for young children and a PWD (and my dad wasn’t as bad as your FIL @Fscogirl ) so I know how difficult it is. I don’t know how you’ve kept going so long. You are definitely not a bad person and it’s now time to put your children first, this situation is unfair to all of you, and unsustainable.
 

Fscogirl

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
13
0
Thank you everyone I really appreciate the support and understanding.

I do think our own social worker would agreeand support me as she has been pushing for full time care for a good while. The emergency social worker was very sympathic and explained that reading the case notes our social worker is very much on my side and agrees he needs a care home.

My OH spoke to one of his sisters yesterday but I don't think she could quite take in what he was saying. She just kept saying well we have a meeting this week at some point and see what we can do. My OH explained that I wouldn't be doing a thing for their dad and who was going to do all these things and sit with him and she was at a loss of an answer. The harsh reality is they are all far too selfish/busy to sacrifice their own lifes.

I have just stayed clear of my FIL (as guilty as I feel) and have took my daughter out for some sunshine and I'm taking an online hypnobirthing class tonight to try and get myself into the right mindset for baby coming.

Hopefully once I speak to my social worker the ball will get rolling. Because I haven't taken part in his care, their dad has sat on his chair staring at 4 walls since this mornings care visit. How thats better than a care home is beyond me......
 

Fscogirl

Registered User
Jul 20, 2020
13
0
Well a rather depressing and stressful update....

The last 2 weeks my OH has decided that even though social work were wanting to put his dad in respite as soon as this week and had a space in a terrific care home near us, he wasn't for having his dad "going in so soon" and doesn't want him in permanent care as he's already lost one parent.

Then I had one sister giving me abuse because I asked her to help with his washing and cleaning. I got accused of wanting "her dads farm andnrid of him" and I was "soft as **** not dealing with him anymore and all sorts. I eventually went to her door and told her a few home truths of my own!

Now this weekend the sister who agrees with me and is joint POA along with my OH took him for me. He fell twice in her house, had any toilet accidents, nose bleeds and has badly bruised and cut himself and has just overall took a major decline.

Then he gets home and refuses to use a stick and falls and lands on my daughters at table and flattens it.....just thank god she wasn't sitting at it! Doesn't bare thinking about 😩
So tonight I'm sleeping on the couch downstairs to listen out for him, having to call GP and social work in morning to find out what on earth I can do.

I feel like I want to string my OH and his family up and runaway.

Sorry for ranting but its not ideal dealing with this at all when youve only got 6 weeks until your baby is here 😴
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,725
0
I am sorry to be blunt but someone needs to have a word with your OH about priorities of which you should be no 1 His father needs more care than you can possibly give him.

Your baby will be here in 6 weeks, what the heck are they going to expect of you then. I agree, run away if you can or even better book yourself and your daughter into a nice holiday camp for a week or two and just leave them all to it. Have you got family that you could go to, even for a few days, if you have then go.

Don't discuss it with them, just pack your bag and go. Give them a week or two dealing with him and he will almost certainly end up in a care home.

You and your unborn baby are way more important than anyone else and you need to put yourselves first.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
3,018
0
Dorset
Well it has to be said that your husband is going to lose his father no matter what happens! He is already losing him to dementia and if he isn’t cared for properly he will lose him sooner than necessary if he has a major fall and breaks his hip or something and deteriorates even quicker. He could also lose you and the baby if he doesn’t make sure you are looked after properly.
Well done for facing down the stroppy sister although you don’t need the additional stress of confrontation. If you have somewhere you can go to for a week or so then I agree with the earlier post, leave your husband to it so that he can see what life would be without you and your daughter.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,541
0
South coast
I think that if something happened to your baby you will find it extremely difficult to forgive your husband.
It is very difficult to step back while you are at home without support from your and your husbands family. Im sorry your husband didnt agree to the respite. It may be that going away for a couple of weeks is now your only option.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,550
0
@Fscogirl, what an awful situation. You are being amazingly loyal to your partner, but now is the time to think of yourself and get away for a couple of weeks. I think he needs pointing out to him that going into care isn't 'losing' his father It's just him being in a place where he can get the care he needs and the family can become his children again.
Please do something about it today.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,591
0
Frankly I'm appalled at the level of self centred behaviour from your husband and other family members. I've read a number of posts over the last couple of years which show selfish behaviour, but this really takes it to another level . I can only agree with other posters on the next course of action .
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,956
0
High Peak
I'm another one in agreement. You've made the right decision so please stick to it. Your daughter and unborn baby are the most important people here, and your own health of course.

I'm really sorry your OH is being so unsupportive - in many ways this all turns on his decision as if he says yes to respite, I expect the rest of his family will grudgingly agree. Can you get the useful sister to talk to him?
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
321
0
Please, please find somewhere safe for you and your daughter to go for at least two weeks, and go.
Your health, that of your coming baby and frankly your child’s safety are at serious risk if you stay.
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
612
0
Your F in Law isn't your blood relative yet despite having a number of his own children you are the one expected to look after him!!!
I suspect you are the youngest of the 'family' so they expected you would have the energy to do it. Talk about taking you for granted. I am appalled at their attitude & frankly that of you husbands too in not putting you first being so close to giving birth. It makes you wonder where you are in the pecking order & is extremely hurtful.
An ultimatum is called for I think. It angers me that you are faced with this at such an important time for you. Your husband should prioritise you, your daughter & the soon to be born baby.
 

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