I feel very sad as I've totally lost the love I once felt for my husband. He is a changed man.....bad tempered, threatening behavior and totally reliant on me. He thinks I do nothing for him and often tells me to get out.
Today he wet himself and peed on the floor twice. I'm sick of mopping up after him and feel shattered all the time. I long to live a normal life but know that will never happen. My feelings are so mixed up. On one hand I wish he was in care and on the other hand I dread the day he needs to go into a home.
I don't expect any replies as I'm sure you all have these feelings at some time.....just needed to tell someone so thanks for "listening"
That's what TP is here for - and what a brilliant place it is. So many of us can relate to your sad post, and have been along this lonely road. I resisted the care home route, even for respite for so long. The guilt was suffocating.
I only agreed, eventually and reluctantly, because I was due to have a knee operation, and would be unable to care for John for a few weeks. I had 4 weeks respite, which then became 5 weeks, and during the final week, permanent care was arranged.
Do I feel better in myself? Absolutely
Has my health improved? Definitely
Do I sleep now? Yes, right through the night
Do I miss John? Terribly
Do I feel guilty? Not as much as I did
Have my feelings of resentment altered? Completely
And the 64 thousand dollar question - have I done the right thing for John? I
hope I have. I know I couldn't continue any longer, but I felt guilty even considering respite. Nearly half a century together is not something you can ignore. It isn't "home", but it's the best I can find. He's always washed and shaved, and dressed in clean clothes when I visit.
The food is tasty (I've eaten there), and varied. The staff are very kind. There are different activities, and ample staff both during the day and at night. None of these places are "home", they couldn't be. But I knew it wasn't right for me to feel so bone weary, wretched and desperate, and after 11 years, I knew I had run out of steam.
The support from TPers has always been fantastic, because even the kindest friends don't know what it's like, and I've been asked "is John better yet?", like it's an illness that can be cured. Respite, and permanent care, is something so very personal that nobody can offer advice, because nobody's circumstances are identical. All they can do is relate their own experiences, which may, or may not, be a useful exercise.
Some people have a reliable network of family members to lessen the burden. I didn't, and it was a solo performance, without an understudy. Apart from the exquisite joy of uninterrupted sleep, I glory in the fact I only do washing once a week, instead of 2 loads a day.
I clean my bungalow and, apart from dog hair (Billy moults permanently!), it stays clean-ish until I next do it. There isn't the urgency to clean the bathroom floor NOW, like there once was. But, oh the void in that empty armchair! It's not the recent past that I miss, it's the times, over 10 years ago now, when we had that "comfortable silence" whilst we watched a TV programme, and then talked about it, or discussed a news item, or planned what plants to buy .......................... mundane things, but my life.
