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Lost my temper :(

Gary f

Registered User
Oct 6, 2021
19
0
I been practising ' Bangs' the last few days and its been quite successful in helping me cope with various situations. I've been quite proud of myself for being able to agree with him, not argue with him etc - all of which I've been really struggling with. However, its all just gone tits up. We both had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. I asked him if he was going to take down the shelves in the spare room tomorrow after I spent today clearing the way for it. He said he was going to have to shred all the papers in the filing cabinet first. Actually they are MY papers in MY filing cabinet and no one is shredding anything!!
Instead of saying something like ' oh thats good but why don't we do it together next weekend' or ' oh, you've got enough to do, why don't you let me do that' Instead of saying something sensible like that I told him not to touch MY papers because they are none of his business. He then got on the confusion bus back to his management days 40 years ago and said stuff like it was his business because he was the manager.
My heads hurts now from all the shouting we did back and forth. Again, not proud of myself. It's a steep learning curve isn't it. Have any of you guys got it down to a fine art now or does that never happen?
Glad it’s not me we’ve never argued in 29 odd years , now I’m starting to shout , my wife can’t stay in doors she keeps wants to go out of front door is unlocked she runs off , I’m finding it harder now
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
93
0
I am glad that you have been receiving such good support from both social services and the police. Now that you have called the police the first time, I am sure that they will respond quickly if you need them again.

One of these days, you’ll make the decision to reclaim yourself and then you will find the strength to reject his domineering behaviour.
A social worker came yesterday, OH was really aggressive with her. She discussed with me options for safeguarding, one of which would be to leave. Unfortunately OH has generated large debt, we have had to move twice to cover his debt. If I left I would not be able to afford somewhere to live and do not want to be bullied out of my home, but I look forward to the day he goes into care and I don't have to live like this.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,682
0
Victoria, Australia
A social worker came yesterday, OH was really aggressive with her. She discussed with me options for safeguarding, one of which would be to leave. Unfortunately OH has generated large debt, we have had to move twice to cover his debt. If I left I would not be able to afford somewhere to live and do not want to be bullied out of my home, but I look forward to the day he goes into care and I don't have to live like this.
I think many of us stay because of finances, certainly there’s no fun in being old and being poor. That’s another layer in what some carers have to deal with and jiving with that sort of tension takes an enormous toll.

Stay safe.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
563
0
That is indeed the sad fact. My daughter said it’s the finances or my mental health, and one of them had to go. The upside is while he is in hospital I have at least another months pension, so can put the job hunt off till the new year.
 

DazeyDoris

Registered User
Jul 9, 2020
33
0
A social worker came yesterday, OH was really aggressive with her. She discussed with me options for safeguarding, one of which would be to leave. Unfortunately OH has generated large debt, we have had to move twice to cover his debt. If I left I would not be able to afford somewhere to live and do not want to be bullied out of my home, but I look forward to the day he goes into care and I don't have to live like this.
I can totally relate to all the comments on this thread sadly. When the social worker suggested you leaving @JaxG did she say what would happen to your OH? (Aside from the debt issue). My husband can manage for a day or 2 on his own (eating crisps and bananas, he can't cook any longer and refuses to have anyone in to help) but there's no way he could live on his own.
 

Bettusboo

Registered User
Aug 30, 2020
59
0
Dont you just love Host Mode (aka Showtiming) @Newanne
😒😡
I didn’t know that was a thing but now I know it is it helps. My dad can be all charm and front with fresh faces, including me. But after a day in my company I get the grumps and frustration and everything that needs letting out let out onto me. I recognise it’s a need but it’s do hate being in the receiving end and we are all human. Everyone has a snapping point and tiredness brings it closer.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
93
0
I can totally relate to all the comments on this thread sadly. When the social worker suggested you leaving @JaxG did she say what would happen to your OH? (Aside from the debt issue). My husband can manage for a day or 2 on his own (eating crisps and bananas, he can't cook any longer and refuses to have anyone in to help) but there's no way he could live on his own.
Hi @DazeyDoris , I am sorry you are also having a hard time. I think his half of the property would pay for his care. TBH I am completely past caring what happens to OH. He has no idea how bad he is because I do everything, he spends most of his time at home where everything is familiar, moaning about his life but everything bores him. He eats all day, cereal, toast, and anything tinned but could not look after himself for more than a day. I feel that I am in prison wit no end in sight.
 

thistlejak

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
151
0
@JaxG - your comment about his half of the property covering care costs slightly worried me. If you are over 60 the house you both live in is disregarded with regards to care costs and half of any join savings belong to you also. I think that you could also buy a smaller property in both your names should you need to downsize - someone might be along with more details about that , but don't worry about having nowhere to live, 'they' cannot make you homeless.
Did the social worker give you any suggestions about your husband moving out instead of you?
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,179
0
@JaxG, I think I'd be pressing the social worker for at least some respite for your husband. That would give you some breathing space to decide what to do next. I
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
93
0
@JaxG - your comment about his half of the property covering care costs slightly worried me. If you are over 60 the house you both live in is disregarded with regards to care costs and half of any join savings belong to you also. I think that you could also buy a smaller property in both your names should you need to downsize - someone might be along with more details about that , but don't worry about having nowhere to live, 'they' cannot make you homeless.
Did the social worker give you any suggestions about your husband moving out instead of you?
I think if I chose to leave OH it would be probably treated as 'divorce', I could be wrong, and assets would be divided. Not sure where OH would go if not the case, I don't think he is bad enough to go into a home yet .
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
93
0
@JaxG - your comment about his half of the property covering care costs slightly worried me. If you are over 60 the house you both live in is disregarded with regards to care costs and half of any join savings belong to you also. I think that you could also buy a smaller property in both your names should you need to downsize - someone might be along with more details about that , but don't worry about having nowhere to live, 'they' cannot make you homeless.
Did the social worker give you any suggestions about your husband moving out instead of you?
Sadly no!
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
93
0
@JaxG, I think I'd be pressing the social worker for at least some respite for your husband. That would give you some breathing space to decide what to do next. I
My Social Worker has talked about respite although I think OH has to agree to it, which is unlikely. It is an evolving situation since he is deteriorating quite quickly, I am just grateful I am in the system and help is at hand.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,776
0
South coast
I feel that I am in prison wit no end in sight.
I know that feeling well - I did not choose my avatar and signature lightly
Can you go out and leave him for an hour or two? If so, get out and just do anything - go for a walk, visit your local library, visit a friend, a cup of coffee in a cafe............
If he would object to you "going out and enjoying yourself" then use love lies and say you are going somewhere that he wouldnt want to go to. I found the dentist was somewhere that he didnt want to go to or perhaps you are visiting someone he cant stand ;)
 

DazeyDoris

Registered User
Jul 9, 2020
33
0
Hi @DazeyDoris , I am sorry you are also having a hard time. I think his half of the property would pay for his care. TBH I am completely past caring what happens to OH. He has no idea how bad he is because I do everything, he spends most of his time at home where everything is familiar, moaning about his life but everything bores him. He eats all day, cereal, toast, and anything tinned but could not look after himself for more than a day. I feel that I am in prison wit no end in sight.
Sounds exactly like my OH! He also wouldn't agree to respite (as he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him). Thanks for the info and good luck. I just switch off as much as possible and go in a different room.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
93
0
Sounds exactly like my OH! He also wouldn't agree to respite (as he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him). Thanks for the info and good luck. I just switch off as much as possible and go in a different room.
Thanks @DazeyDoris , I do switch off now .... hope you can do the same. I spend as much time as possible in my bedroom, I talk to him as little as possible. My conversation with the social worker has given me 'permission' to begin to look after myself, lose the guilt and make the most of the time when OH can be left alone. I really hope you can do the same :)
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
93
0
I know that feeling well - I did not choose my avatar and signature lightly
Can you go out and leave him for an hour or two? If so, get out and just do anything - go for a walk, visit your local library, visit a friend, a cup of coffee in a cafe............
If he would object to you "going out and enjoying yourself" then use love lies and say you are going somewhere that he wouldnt want to go to. I found the dentist was somewhere that he didnt want to go to or perhaps you are visiting someone he cant stand ;)
Oh no @canary, I didn't understand the avatar:eek: but you are so right. My OH can be left for some time during the day because his routine is very fixed, mostly eating all day and reading!! I do go out during the day, walking with the dogs, going for a coffee and visiting my mum who is elderly and disabled. He has got used to it now so is less angry and resentful, but I do fib from time to time just to avoid repercussions. Look after yourself xx
 

DazeyDoris

Registered User
Jul 9, 2020
33
0
Thanks @DazeyDoris , I do switch off now .... hope you can do the same. I spend as much time as possible in my bedroom, I talk to him as little as possible. My conversation with the social worker has given me 'permission' to begin to look after myself, lose the guilt and make the most of the time when OH can be left alone. I really hope you can do the same :)
Thanks, yes I don't feel guilty any more and feel emotionally detached from him now so don't get upset like I used to by negative/rude/aggressive comments. I do go out quite a bit with friends for walks and coffees, and have found the more I do it the more he seems to be getting used to it being the norm. Stay strong.
 

Pots and Pans

Registered User
Jan 13, 2020
156
0
I feel your pain! My husband is angry with me much of the time. He assaulted me, I had to call the police and he has told his family that my injuries were self inflicted, that because of my work I 'know what to do'!! His brother has talked about taking legal advice against me. My husband can be charming to others and because the conversations tends to be him talking about himself they don't know that much of what he says is not true or how bad he is. I wonder how much longer I can compromise my mental and physical health for a man that abuses me pretty much on a daily basis.
@JaxG same situation for me. Though he is past being able to truly converse with anyone. Regular insults, fist in face, threats and sometimes digs or little jabs .. I get bruised a lot. Also shadows me constantly ( I can only.go out briefly unless I book a carer or the day he is at the day centre) and has a set of daily repetitive questions. I'd be a saint if I didn't shout back at times. But it is wearing me down and I don't want to do this any longer. Not sure I am doing it ok any more either. Consultant has put in writing that he had no capacity now and that we should be thinking soon of residential ... and then for a bit he is my husband again so I don't want to go against his wishes ... Such a cruel disease and so demanding on a partner.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
93
0
@JaxG same situation for me. Though he is past being able to truly converse with anyone. Regular insults, fist in face, threats and sometimes digs or little jabs .. I get bruised a lot. Also shadows me constantly ( I can only.go out briefly unless I book a carer or the day he is at the day centre) and has a set of daily repetitive questions. I'd be a saint if I didn't shout back at times. But it is wearing me down and I don't want to do this any longer. Not sure I am doing it ok any more either. Consultant has put in writing that he had no capacity now and that we should be thinking soon of residential ... and then for a bit he is my husband again so I don't want to go against his wishes ... Such a cruel disease and so demanding on a partner.
@Pots and Pans It sounds really awful, have you ever logged the physical abuse with the police? Things really started moving when I did and I now feel I am getting some support. You would be a saint if you didn't shout sometimes, the constant repetitive questions, answering the same question over and over again only to be told you're nagging or patronising them, the aggression. I know it seems harsh but it does sound like you need to reclaim your life and let him go into residential care, you too deserve to have a life that is worth living, you must be exhausted.