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Lost my temper :(

asriela

Registered User
Oct 17, 2021
19
0
I second the question - what are "bangs"? I would love some new strategies to try so that i can stop losing my temper with my mother who, i may add, is being PARTICULARLY difficult today
 

Chocco

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
12
0
I second the question - what are "bangs"? I would love some new strategies to try so that i can stop losing my temper with my mother who, i may add, is being PARTICULARLY difficult today
If you google ' bangs dementia' it'll bring up an article by Susan Macaulay from way back in 2015.
B - Breathe
A - Agree
N- Never Argue
G - Go With Their Flow
S - Say Sorry
Susan expands on each concept and it really has helped me. I work as manager for a very busy charity shop, my OH phoned me 3 times today - whether to feed the cat and if so with what, whether we have salad or greens with dinner, how much oil is in the oil tank. Each took an age because he couldnt remember words. I focussed on Bangs, breathing ( while seething!! ) agreeing and just letting him say what he had to say. Not easy when knee deep in donations, volunteers, customers and chaos!! As I said though, we are in early stages so it might not be so useful for any
 

Chocco

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
12
0
one alot further down the road. Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and comments, this is the only place I can go to vent.
 

Bun

Registered User
Oct 2, 2021
49
0
I feel guilty whenever I reach the end of my tether and snap at my husband. After a few minutes when I tell him I'm sorry for shouting at him. He says, 'Oh did you shout at me? I didn't notice.'
So please don't feel bad at letting off steam. I think the thing to guard against is having a big row too often with your husband. In my case it can wear me out and stress me more than trying to turn the other cheek.
We are all individuals, as are the poor devlls we are caring for, so whatever works for me might not work for you, but I wish you good luck. It's hard work but we can only try.
Try not to argue, it will make the situation worse. It's not easy we are only human, as he says he doesn't remember, but you do and it's upsetting for you. Let's hope it's just a phase he is going through, that's the trouble with dementia, isn't it.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,138
0
South coast
Thanks for the explanation about Bangs 😊
Its actually quite similar to Compassionate Communication which is often recommended on here, but being shorter might be easier to remember *
Its never foolproof, though. However much you try you can never follow it 100% of the time. We are not robots and eventually it gets to us.

* Heres the link to Compassionate Communication for anyone who hasnt seen it
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,956
0
Yorkshire
the site is here
 

Paul A

Registered User
Feb 4, 2019
39
0
As i'm writing this I remember years ago screaming at my mum. very few of us, if we are being honest have not done it. or at the very least wanted to scream at them. Don't beat yourself up.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
593
0
If you google ' bangs dementia' it'll bring up an article by Susan Macaulay from way back in 2015.
B - Breathe
A - Agree
N- Never Argue
G - Go With Their Flow
S - Say Sorry
Susan expands on each concept and it really has helped me. I work as manager for a very busy charity shop, my OH phoned me 3 times today - whether to feed the cat and if so with what, whether we have salad or greens with dinner, how much oil is in the oil tank. Each took an age because he couldnt remember words. I focussed on Bangs, breathing ( while seething!! ) agreeing and just letting him say what he had to say. Not easy when knee deep in donations, volunteers, customers and chaos!! As I said though, we are in early stages so it might not be so useful for any
In other words, the carer is always wrong - sigh - even when they're right.
 

fromnz123

Registered User
Aug 2, 2019
101
0
UK
i was able to apply the above to my parents dad with Parkinson’s and mum with vascular dementia, they were elderly , frail , and from their behaviour it was obvious that they needed to be cared for.

im struggling somewhat with my husband ( he’s 69 and looks as though he’s fit and well), BvFTD affects his executive thinking, apathy, empathy, and At first sight there’s not much wrong with him. He spends all day either in front of the tv or laptop.

But when I’ve spent all my time and the weekend taking care of him, cooking, cleaning clearing the garden and shifting soil with two trips to the tip, I walk in at 3pm he’s sitting there with a bottle of wine, once I’ve eventually sat down after cooking his dinner, washing up, clearing away, he announces he’s going to bed and says ”do you fancy a bit”, I politely declined, but as he was walking away he’s muttering “your no fun anymore “ at which point my resentment rather boils over!!
 

UncleZen

Registered User
Dec 24, 2019
19
0
I sympathise, my PWD, my wife will literally argue that black is white. It is enormously frustrating. And I lose it more often than I should. My entire life I 'don't suffer fools gladly' yet here I am living with one.
I can totally relate to @Newanne story.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
593
0
I sympathise, my PWD, my wife will literally argue that black is white. It is enormously frustrating. And I lose it more often than I should. My entire life I 'don't suffer fools gladly' yet here I am living with one.
I can totally relate to @Newanne story.
I think the "not suffering fools gladly" is my problem. That and being impatient. Oh, and I hate not knowing what's coming next. Not the best for dealing with dementia.
 

JaxG

Registered User
May 15, 2021
42
0
I so understand how easy it is to just loose it at times. I'm sat here fuming feeling like I'm just going to explode. My oh is in early stage of dementia. Yeaterday we visited our daughter and as usual he lied about me, tell them I had no time for him as I was too busy with my friends, he want to go on walks with me but I wouldn't go as I was always walking with my friend. 😡😡😡 I've been on 2 walks with friend in the last 3 weeks. He sees his friend almost every day!!!! I am sick of smilling and putting up with how he is when we are with our daughter, he's not like that at other times. He has an attitude towards me and puts me down in her company. We are supposed to be spending Christmas day with her and her family but I'm worried its just going to be me trying to smile through the insults. I just want to run 😭😭
I feel your pain! My husband is angry with me much of the time. He assaulted me, I had to call the police and he has told his family that my injuries were self inflicted, that because of my work I 'know what to do'!! His brother has talked about taking legal advice against me. My husband can be charming to others and because the conversations tends to be him talking about himself they don't know that much of what he says is not true or how bad he is. I wonder how much longer I can compromise my mental and physical health for a man that abuses me pretty much on a daily basis.
 

KPJPower

New member
Nov 25, 2021
1
0
Glad it's not just me. I try my best ,like we all do but unfortunately I'm not a saint. It just wears you down. How wonderful it would be to have a normal conversation with my PWD.
Hi Valpiana
Reading your post was like looking in the mirror? Obviously not the same senario, but what hit home is thinking about what you should say. Whilst speaking the words of disapproval. Like an out-of-body experience. How to stop this, every day is a school day I suppose? Good luck and don't feel bad, our emotions are high. I know mine are!
 

Andrew_McP

Registered User
Mar 2, 2016
276
0
South Northwest
I've read similar threads before and thought about recording this to share, but... well, just because it's been part of my coping mechanisms for the last 18 months or so doesn't mean it'll help anyone else. And it's not a song I'm proud of having written, because... Well, everyone posting in this thread knows about "because".

Anyway... song about getting it wrong. Guest appearance by Mum, in what's now her default mode. Her foot still taps though.

Sometimes.

 

Valpiana

Registered User
Sep 16, 2019
317
0
Hi Valpiana
Reading your post was like looking in the mirror? Obviously not the same senario, but what hit home is thinking about what you should say. Whilst speaking the words of disapproval. Like an out-of-body experience. How to stop this, every day is a school day I suppose? Good luck and don't feel bad, our emotions are high. I know mine are!
 

Valpiana

Registered User
Sep 16, 2019
317
0
I've read similar threads before and thought about recording this to share, but... well, just because it's been part of my coping mechanisms for the last 18 months or so doesn't mean it'll help anyone else. And it's not a song I'm proud of having written, because... Well, everyone posting in this thread knows about "because".

Anyway... song about getting it wrong. Guest appearance by Mum, in what's now her default mode. Her foot still taps though.

Sometimes.

Watching this before the start of what will probably be another difficult day, think I will be singing this in my head during the trickier moments "1,2,3,4,5 and 6".....
 

CAL Y

Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
118
0
I've read similar threads before and thought about recording this to share, but... well, just because it's been part of my coping mechanisms for the last 18 months or so doesn't mean it'll help anyone else. And it's not a song I'm proud of having written, because... Well, everyone posting in this thread knows about "because".

Anyway... song about getting it wrong. Guest appearance by Mum, in what's now her default mode. Her foot still taps though.

Sometimes.

That’s brilliant.
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
28
0
clitheroe
i was able to apply the above to my parents dad with Parkinson’s and mum with vascular dementia, they were elderly , frail , and from their behaviour it was obvious that they needed to be cared for.

im struggling somewhat with my husband ( he’s 69 and looks as though he’s fit and well), BvFTD affects his executive thinking, apathy, empathy, and At first sight there’s not much wrong with him. He spends all day either in front of the tv or laptop.

But when I’ve spent all my time and the weekend taking care of him, cooking, cleaning clearing the garden and shifting soil with two trips to the tip, I walk in at 3pm he’s sitting there with a bottle of wine, once I’ve eventually sat down after cooking his dinner, washing up, clearing away, he announces he’s going to bed and says ”do you fancy a bit”, I politely declined, but as he was walking away he’s muttering “your no fun anymore “ at which point my resentment rather boils over!!
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
28
0
clitheroe
Oh fromnz123. That is my situation to a T. My in laws both had dementia and I ended up the main carer, that was a doddle compared to this. My husband looks like there's nothing wrong and can come across so happy but this attitude towards me is the thing that's getting me down. The last few months have been all about him. Checking what he's done, keeping things stable, trying to keep him calm, reassuring him, reminding him of all things he's arranged. He sits all day doing crosswords, before this he was the hardest worker I've ever seen. He does not recognise things are wrong, he forgets that he forgets. He has always been the mainstay of the brass band, doing everything from organising booking, payments, players etc. I have to persuade him to pass this on, no idea how that's going to work. Am worn out, worried and downright scared. So glad we can come to this site and vent, get advice or just to know others are going through very similar things. Sending hugs. 💙