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Lost my temper :(

Chocco

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
77
0
I been practising ' Bangs' the last few days and its been quite successful in helping me cope with various situations. I've been quite proud of myself for being able to agree with him, not argue with him etc - all of which I've been really struggling with. However, its all just gone tits up. We both had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. I asked him if he was going to take down the shelves in the spare room tomorrow after I spent today clearing the way for it. He said he was going to have to shred all the papers in the filing cabinet first. Actually they are MY papers in MY filing cabinet and no one is shredding anything!!
Instead of saying something like ' oh thats good but why don't we do it together next weekend' or ' oh, you've got enough to do, why don't you let me do that' Instead of saying something sensible like that I told him not to touch MY papers because they are none of his business. He then got on the confusion bus back to his management days 40 years ago and said stuff like it was his business because he was the manager.
My heads hurts now from all the shouting we did back and forth. Again, not proud of myself. It's a steep learning curve isn't it. Have any of you guys got it down to a fine art now or does that never happen?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,901
0
South coast
I dont think any of us get it right 100% of the time, however good we are. It a difficult thing to do, not normal conversation at all, so it is easy to slip up.

Mentally forgive yourself - tomorrow is another day
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
9,148
0
Bristol
That's why any time I refer anyone to the compassionate communication tips I always add a little note that it is more of a guide to what can work than a hard and fast rule. Caring for someone with dementia is hard work and every relationship has it's arguments, so try to forgive yourself and hope its all forgotten tomorrow. That's what has got me this far.
 

Valpiana

Registered User
Sep 16, 2019
520
0
Glad it's not just me. I try my best ,like we all do but unfortunately I'm not a saint. It just wears you down. How wonderful it would be to have a normal conversation with my PWD.
 

Chocco

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
77
0
Thanks everyone, it's so good to be able to share here and not get judged. I felt so disappointed with myself after and just needed a 'there, there' and some encouragement which I got. You're the best, thank you!
 

Jessy82

Registered User
Mar 15, 2021
104
0
I lost it with my mum tonight, shouted at her, we had such a lovely day, took her garden center, she loved all the Xmas decorations, had lovely lunch in the cafe, went local shopping centre. Got home and I made her a lovely pasta salad, shredded the chicken, cut everything up small. Which she pushed round the plate for half an hour

Got to bedtime and she turned awkward, wouldn't take medications, spit them out, was looking forward to watching " I'm a Celebrity "She wouldn't get her nighty on, wouldn't let me sit her on the loo to change her pad. Did the opposite of everything thing I suggest. So I snapped at her, said I was sick of being a skinny, sick of being up to the eyes in p@## and sh#t. I know she can't help it and I feel so guilty, must have hit a nerve as she said sorry. I sent her to bed like a naughty child an I feel terrible
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,357
0
Oh @Jessy82 you did your best and you can do no more. Don't feel bad, I am sure your mum will forget everything really quickly, much quicker than you will. Keep your chin up, nobody is perfect.
 

Lawson58

Registered User
Aug 1, 2014
2,904
0
Victoria, Australia
I think there is a time for patience and being nice but I also think that trying to do that all the time is completely unrealistic for the carer. And very unhealthy.

I tend to go along with things with my husband for a while but can then feel tension building and I just have to let it out. You are a human being, not a saint and fatigue is soul destroying.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
801
0
I lost it with my mum tonight, shouted at her, we had such a lovely day, took her garden center, she loved all the Xmas decorations, had lovely lunch in the cafe, went local shopping centre. Got home and I made her a lovely pasta salad, shredded the chicken, cut everything up small. Which she pushed round the plate for half an hour

Got to bedtime and she turned awkward, wouldn't take medications, spit them out, was looking forward to watching " I'm a Celebrity "She wouldn't get her nighty on, wouldn't let me sit her on the loo to change her pad. Did the opposite of everything thing I suggest. So I snapped at her, said I was sick of being a skinny, sick of being up to the eyes in p@## and sh#t. I know she can't help it and I feel so guilty, must have hit a nerve as she said sorry. I sent her to bed like a naughty child an I feel terrible
I'm not proud, but I have said and done the same things ( nearly word for word ) on more occasions that I care to admit to. But can you honestly say @Jessy82 that you never had a cross word with your Mum prior to dementia? I know I did now and again.
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
142
0
I lost it with my mum tonight, shouted at her, we had such a lovely day, took her garden center, she loved all the Xmas decorations, had lovely lunch in the cafe, went local shopping centre. Got home and I made her a lovely pasta salad, shredded the chicken, cut everything up small. Which she pushed round the plate for half an hour

Got to bedtime and she turned awkward, wouldn't take medications, spit them out, was looking forward to watching " I'm a Celebrity "She wouldn't get her nighty on, wouldn't let me sit her on the loo to change her pad. Did the opposite of everything thing I suggest. So I snapped at her, said I was sick of being a skinny, sick of being up to the eyes in p@## and sh#t. I know she can't help it and I feel so guilty, must have hit a nerve as she said sorry. I sent her to bed like a naughty child an I feel terrible
I’ve posted several times about similar situations. I have lost my temper and shouted and then felt terrible while my PWD goes to bed and forgets about it. I think getting frustrated is normal. As carers we are often pushed to the limit dealing with situations we couldn’t have dreamt of having to cope with. Be kind to yourself !
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
674
0
Hi @Chocco I love your expression. In the RAF we used to say “it’s all gone Tango Uniform”! Do be kind to yourself, you’re all you have. My OH used to rake in all my things, jewellery box, undies drawer, desk drawer, and would swear it wasn’t him. I hated it, and sometimes swore at him. But he wouldn’t remember, but I would and felt awful.
 

Chocco

Registered User
Aug 9, 2021
77
0
Hi @Chocco I love your expression. In the RAF we used to say “it’s all gone Tango Uniform”! Do be kind to yourself, you’re all you have. My OH used to rake in all my things, jewellery box, undies drawer, desk drawer, and would swear it wasn’t him. I hated it, and sometimes swore at him. But he wouldn’t remember, but I would and felt awful.
Hi Thethirdmrc, along the same lines as your Tango Uniform, I've just learnt - 'Foxtrot Oscar' which sounds far more polite!! It's peculiar the things they say and do. My OH was trying to make me get up too early one morning and said "I've had no instructions about taking Buddy to school" .........Buddy is our dog!! It gave me a chuckle for a few days after. It's early days for mine - no diagnosis and in denial so its all new territory. Great support here, thank you.
 

Bun

Registered User
Oct 2, 2021
57
0
I been practising ' Bangs' the last few days and its been quite successful in helping me cope with various situations. I've been quite proud of myself for being able to agree with him, not argue with him etc - all of which I've been really struggling with. However, its all just gone tits up. We both had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. I asked him if he was going to take down the shelves in the spare room tomorrow after I spent today clearing the way for it. He said he was going to have to shred all the papers in the filing cabinet first. Actually they are MY papers in MY filing cabinet and no one is shredding anything!!
Instead of saying something like ' oh thats good but why don't we do it together next weekend' or ' oh, you've got enough to do, why don't you let me do that' Instead of saying something sensible like that I told him not to touch MY papers because they are none of his business. He then got on the confusion bus back to his management days 40 years ago and said stuff like it was his business because he was the manager.
My heads hurts now from all the shouting we did back and forth. Again, not proud of myself. It's a steep learning curve isn't it. Have any of you guys got it down to a fine art now or does that never happen?
I know it's not funny, but u made it sound like a comedy. My husband became really argumentative, he could argue with air. He really wore me down, and would shadow me everywhere. Don't beat yourself up, we r only human. X
 

Jessy82

Registered User
Mar 15, 2021
104
0
Oh yes @lollyc , my mum and I used to argue all the time, more like bickering, but she was my best friend too, and she could give as good as she got lol. My brother used to say we were like the Chuckle Brothers.

Today was a good day,
 

Newanne

Registered User
May 1, 2010
55
0
clitheroe
I so understand how easy it is to just loose it at times. I'm sat here fuming feeling like I'm just going to explode. My oh is in early stage of dementia. Yeaterday we visited our daughter and as usual he lied about me, tell them I had no time for him as I was too busy with my friends, he want to go on walks with me but I wouldn't go as I was always walking with my friend. 😡😡😡 I've been on 2 walks with friend in the last 3 weeks. He sees his friend almost every day!!!! I am sick of smilling and putting up with how he is when we are with our daughter, he's not like that at other times. He has an attitude towards me and puts me down in her company. We are supposed to be spending Christmas day with her and her family but I'm worried its just going to be me trying to smile through the insults. I just want to run 😭😭
 

mickeyplum

Registered User
Feb 22, 2018
212
0
I feel guilty whenever I reach the end of my tether and snap at my husband. After a few minutes when I tell him I'm sorry for shouting at him. He says, 'Oh did you shout at me? I didn't notice.'
So please don't feel bad at letting off steam. I think the thing to guard against is having a big row too often with your husband. In my case it can wear me out and stress me more than trying to turn the other cheek.
We are all individuals, as are the poor devlls we are caring for, so whatever works for me might not work for you, but I wish you good luck. It's hard work but we can only try.