1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    Today I shouted at mum.I was tired and hot and we had just come back from a "wheelchair walk". Mum has developed a very irritating laugh/giggle/chuckle. She does it all the time and for no obvious reason. It went something like this---

    I am struggling to get the wheelchair into the garden as mum likes to sit there for a while.
    "chuckle chuckle" "laugh laugh"

    "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME? I AM STRUGGLING TO GET THE WHEELCHAIR OUT AND YOU JUST LAUGH AT ME"

    "Sorry but I have to laugh at something"


    I hate myself!
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    In a word, .... don't.

    Don't hate yourself. You did no harm. You are doing your best. It is a hell we all live in when touched by this disease and we have to have a safety valve. The mercy is that, a couple of minutes afterwards, Mum will have forgoten all about your shouting.

    You must do the same.

    Actually, she is probably as frustrated by her own actions as you are. It is involuntary. Inside I get the impression they are fighting like hell, until the point it all gets too much.

    Look at it this way - you had a conversation. It may not have been a happy one, or an ideal one, but no-one was hurt, and you did interact.

    It won't always be so.

    Ain't I the happiest sod around?

    One adjusts [well, or less well] to each stage of this saga; one finds contentmant in different things all the time.

    Keep going. It is a fantastic thing you are doing.
     
  3. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    Thanks Bruce

    Later on I said sorry and mum did not remember but said it was all her fault.
    I know she is trying to say things but it is all gobblydook to me and a guessing game.

    When my dad was alive I did many nursing type care for him.
    "you should have been a nurse" he would say.
    Now I am doing the same for mum and if i was given my time again (pigs might fly) nursing would be my very last option.
    So so tired.
     
  4. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Snuffy,

    Irritating habits can really drive you up the wall, can't they?

    My mother repeats everything I say - presumably to reinforce the request and to help her remember it. But, Oh, GOD...!!!

    So our morning conversation is .... OK Mum, here's the flannel. Wash your face.' Mum - 'OK this is a flannel, wash your face?'. Me: 'No, wash your own face.' Mum, 'Wash my own face?' And so on for half an hour!!!!

    It's like having a parrot in the house......... Sometimes I really have to grit my teeth to cope. The conversation I have with myself in my head is really dreadful some mornings and occasionally I've had to go out of the bathroom before I SCREAM.

    I completely understand why you lost your rag.

    Jude
     
  5. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    Thanks.
    When my boys were babies the health visitor would tell me, that if things were getting ontop of me make sure baby is safe and go out in the garden and "scream",

    It is just the same now with mum.

    What goes around comes around!
     
  6. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Snuffy,

    One of the mitigating factors with children I'm sure is that the fact that you know that they will learn as they grow. The worst thing about AD is knowing that our loved ones are actually 'unlearning' and that it's all downhill. In that lies our frustration and feelings of hopelessness - and our guilt when we lose our temper or are impatient with them.

    I think we just have to accept that some days we can care well and some days we feel like screaming. We're only human after all.

    Jude
     
  7. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Snuffy
    I find one of the most frustrating things for me is the lack of conversation.
    Every statement requires an explanation

    Me "I think son No 1 might come tonight.
    Wife"do you"
    Me"He said he might"
    Wife "Who said he might"?
    Me "Julian"
    Wife "You didn't tell me me he said that".

    Any past discusion is forgotten and the whole subject has to be gone over from begining to end again.
    This is when I join the fairies at the top of the garden
    Best Wishes
    Norman
     
  8. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Norm,

    At least you can get a sensible conversation from the fairies most of the time.

    Jude
     
  9. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Jude

    That's a LOT of old flannel! Sorry, duck.

    Chesca
     
  10. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear Snuffy

    I read your post with great empathy. We've all done it, lost our tempers and subsequently beaten ourselves over the head. Looking back, I think that although I knew Mum had dementia there was something inside my head that couldn't think in jumbly. Never forget, you are an honoured member of the UUpsygens (Pron. oopsijen), of which I am president (unelected), i.e. an unpaid, untrained, psycho-geriatric nurse.

    A lot of the time is spent trying to reason with the unreasonable, control the controllable with the added burden of the emotional involvement. There's grief, pain, guilt and the rest. Bear in mind, that even the professionals don't do this job 24 hours a day and they can walk away, the best of them (few) satisfied with just a smile from one of their charges. I don't believe that having nursing experience or the skill as perceived by others is in any way a qualification for caring for dementia in a loved one. Ha! the carers in Mum's nursing home even think I could do it professionally - the Ha!? read one of my rants! Or, on second thoughts, DON'T!

    My darling, funny Mum (Mrs Pumblechook) developed rather queenly qualities as she was waited on hand and foot, e.g. empty tea cup held in the air by the way of a request for a refill without a word said - I developed a mutter: the Queen is dead! Long live the Queen and did my own laughing at me! And if she didn't get her nightly scotch and lemo (her nightcap, she called it, but it was more of a Top Hat) a right old ding dong would ensue. One night when she had her party head on and we had left the room for minutes. she sought out a second drink unbeknownst to us. Later that night she collapsed and was whizzed to A&E and given every possible test and found physically sound in every way - it was a mystery. Then at home I discovered a highball glass of a mystifyng hue - a sort of absinthe and foam! It was fairy liquid and lemonade and she had drunk some of this. I can't think why, given there were was an adequate supply of metal polish under the sink - there's no accounting for peoples' tastes. Henceforth, she was called Bubbles! It was by this time that we realised that we/she needed some serious help.

    I know it's harder than the hardest rock to laugh when all you want to do is sit down and cry but do it your own way. Failing that I refer you to the Humanism thread and the Joke thread wherein you will pick up a couple of good tips from members.

    I've said it many a time, this site has been a saviour for my sanity and taught me that I am not alone in any of my thoughts or experiences, however good or bad and I've only used it for over a month! I don't think I'll ever be pink and fluffy but I am at least going rosie around the edges.

    Remember, don't be hard on yourself

    Lots of love

    Chesca
     
  11. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Jude

    ...and, furthermore....

    Rather than a conversation with Norman's fairies I would just like to sit and hear what they have to say. There's been some goings on at the end of Norman's garden by all accounts sufficient to knock Sven and Olive off the front pages of the News of the wossnames. I think we should be told.

    Chesca
     
  12. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    Many thanks Chesca.
    I had an uncle who constantly told visitors that he had been summoned by the Queen for tea at Buck Palace.
    But then could be viciously evil towards his wife, my aunt.
    snuffyuk
     

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