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Lost my mum

Lindyloo62

Registered User
Jan 12, 2014
13
Yorkshire
Been reading lots of posts on here for a while but don't often write anything. I have been caring for my lovely mum for several years now, she had Alzheimer's and vascular dementia. It wasn't always easy, often very frustrating but I did it because I loved her so much. Up to the last few months I managed on my own but since November have had carers three times a day. This meant I could spend more quality time with her, not just caring. We would often fall out about silly things, we still had a laugh together, she loved to go into town or out lunch and to the day center. It was often difficult because she also had copd, af, and arthritis so her mobility and breathing was very bad, and she went out in a wheelchair. I'm waffling now sorry. Mam was admitted to hospital on Saturday night with her breathing, she didn't respond very well to treatment. They were going to try a mask on her for a couple of days, but mam got agitated and kept pulling it off. Sadly she died this morning at 6 o'clock. She was asleep and struggled for a couple of breaths and stopped breathing. My son was with her, I wasn't. I was on my way home for a couple of hours, I didn't get home before I got the phone call. I feel so guilty that I left. The staff were very shocked as no one thought it would be so quick. I just feel shocked, numb, angry with myself and I miss her so so much. Love you mum, you are at peace now xxxx
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
I am so very sorry for the loss of your mum and hope that you don't berate yourself for not being there - perhaps that's how she wanted it, to spare you. She was not alone, she had a loved one with her, and as you say, she is at peace now, which is what we all wish to be, peaceful.

xx
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,995
UK
I am sorry you have lost your Mum. Don't feel guilty, have several friends who are nurses. They say people often wait until loved ones have left before they slip away.
 

Lindyloo62

Registered User
Jan 12, 2014
13
Yorkshire
Thank you, she did tell me she loved me just before I left, and to tell my other two sons and partner that she loved them. I told her we all loved her and she could tell them all when they came to visit later in the day. My little one who is only 11 is very upset that he didn't get to tell his nanna that he loved her, but she knew. Mum was 89 and had a good life, even with the bloody awful Alzheimer's, mam was still in there a lot of the time, and she still knew us all.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
I am so sorry for your loss Lindyloo :(

I would feel the same for not being there, but I agree with other posters, she may have slipped away after you went, to spare you. And she had your son there, which is good.

I am so glad she told you she loves you :) Her love will live on forever in you and your family.

Thinking of you.

Lindy xxxx
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,396
69
Dundee
Oh Lindyloo I'm so sorry to read your news. Sending you my condolences and wishing you strength.
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,960
Brixham Devon
Lindylou

So sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum

My sympathy to you and your family

I wish you strength and peace for the times ahead

Take care

Lyn T
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,514
Near Southampton
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.
Please accept my sympathy..
You did so well in caring for your mother.
It was good that you were with her shortly before she died.
That is what is important , not that you had just left. That so often happens it seems. x
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
Thank you, she did tell me she loved me just before I left, and to tell my other two sons and partner that she loved them. I told her we all loved her and she could tell them all when they came to visit later in the day. My little one who is only 11 is very upset that he didn't get to tell his nanna that he loved her, but she knew. Mum was 89 and had a good life, even with the bloody awful Alzheimer's, mam was still in there a lot of the time, and she still knew us all.
How lovely, Lindyloo, that you were able to share these moments with your mum, it's heartwarming to hear.

With regards to your son, I wonder if he might like to write his nanna a note that you could then put into the coffin before her funeral? Would that comfort him do you think?

xx
 

benjie

Registered User
Apr 14, 2009
347
north staffs
I recently lost my hubby. I'd cared for him after he came home from long stint in hospital unable to walk and having lost 2 stones in weight. I know how hard it is for you. Hubby always remembered me to the very last and knew what was happening throughout those awful days of dementia, but he was so determined to carry on with life. Like you I didn't get there in time. We both knew our love for each other though.

So I will carry on even though I may slip and slide a little. Eventually we will get there for the memories of our loved ones.

Love and strength to all those struggling with loss at the moment.

Maureen xxx
 

SallyPotter

Registered User
May 19, 2013
161
Gloucestershire
lots of love Lindyloo, when my parents died (less than 48 hrs apart) I wasn't there, in a way I wish I had been. I'm not going to berate myself about it, don't have space in my heart in order too..... Have had to make to many hard decisions over the past couple of years while they slipped away that if I let myself feel guilty about not being there then all the mountain of guilt would end up on my shoulders which my parents would never have wanted.
The funeral too was perfect, many friends and family there remembering them in happier times, the illness was mentioned but didn't dominate the proceedings. Now I have to get back to remembering them for who they were and what they meant to me and their many friends.
We can't change the past Lindyloo, we don't really have any choice other than too accept it, have you contacted Cruse? they are really very helpful. Also go up to the top of a hill and have a good scream....... You're in shock at the moment, its time to be gentle with yourself and try to keep the demons of 'if only' away
Take care
Sally x
 
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Lindyloo62

Registered User
Jan 12, 2014
13
Yorkshire
Thank you all for your kind words, it is much appreciated. My little one wants to write a letter to his nanna to put in the coffin. he also wants to do a reading at the funeral, but I don't know if he will be able to manage that. He feels a bit better today and I am keeping him involved in everything. We are talking about his nan a lot and even laughing about some of the things we all did together.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
Thank you all for your kind words, it is much appreciated. My little one wants to write a letter to his nanna to put in the coffin. he also wants to do a reading at the funeral, but I don't know if he will be able to manage that. He feels a bit better today and I am keeping him involved in everything. We are talking about his nan a lot and even laughing about some of the things we all did together.
That's such a good idea, I'm sure that will help him - and you too. Best wishes xx
 

bilslin

Registered User
Jan 17, 2014
762
hertforshire
Hi lindyloo so sorry to hear the loss of your mum. Thinking of you at this sad time. How lovely that she told you she loved you. Some thing you can remember for ever. Hope all goes well lindax
 

benjie

Registered User
Apr 14, 2009
347
north staffs
My grandson (6) points up to the stars and says tat his granddad is there shining down and watching over him. and every night he waves night night to him.