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Lost my mum

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
Hello
I lost my mum at the end of February and my life ended.
She was everything to me and I spent so much time with her, my heart is broken 💔
I am really struggling without her even though she was asleep all the time towards the end at least she was still there.
I cry every day and it's that intense I feel like my chest is broken.
I can't smile anymore as I feel guilty because mum isn't here.
I can't see my sister because of the lockdown.
My husband tries to help me but he suffers with bad depression so is struggling anyway.
Can anyone offer advise?
I know people say time heals but it doesn't feel like I will ever be able to stop crying 😭




as
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,119
69
Dundee
I’m so sorry to read of your situation. It’s bad enough losing your mum but under the current circumstances it must be even harder for you.

It really is very early days for you and it’s understandable that you’re crying . It’s easy for me to say try not to feel guilty but really - you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Can you contact your sister using Face Time or one of the other video link applications? Perhaps that would help a bit.

I know it’s not very helpful to hear people say that time heals. We have to live through every stage of our grief and grief is different for everyone. I’m glad you’ve chosen to share here. I know you will get lots of support here.

Please keep posting.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,667
South coast
Im sorry @Springy12
Even though we know the conclusion of dementia, it is still a shock. The abnrmal times and conditions in which we are living increases anxiety too, so cut yourself some slack. It sounds like you looked after your mum right up till the end and no one could have done more

It s still early days, be gentle with yourself
 

JIM rom Deeside

Registered User
Mar 29, 2020
10
Hi yes time is great healer but it does take time when I lost my mum I used to think about all the good times we had from as far back as I could remember that did help a lot , and it brought back quite a lot of smiles she had add a hard life life but always had a smile, so maybe just remember the good days you had with mum and think the pain not fisical pain but the pain of not knowing the people that come to see him not being able to answer them or being able to do all the things we take for granted that pain has now gone and also your pain of watching your soul mate going from the man you new to the the man that isn't the man you new and loved . I do hope I haven't been to blunt but yes in time it will get better it did for me.
 

Wakky

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
52
I lost my mum to AD almost 20 years ago. She died peacefully in her own home, but was on her own when it happened. As a family, we feel it was a blessing _ the way she wanted it to happen. Towards the end, she looked like my mum, she sounded like my mum - but she wasn't really my mum. Although we were all devastated, we felt she had been set free from the horror that is AD. Now when I think of her, I smile - the good things pop into my mind, not the bad. Sadly, my husband was diagnosed with early stages of AD last September - life is so cruel that I have to see another loved one go through this. Knowing what is to come doesn't help, but I hope that he will progress like my mum did. I dread the future, but there is nothing to be done except live it. I hope that you will find peace and that your loss will become easier to cope with. Remember that your mum was released at the end of the disease known as "the long goodbye".
My heart goes out to you xxx
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
775
Hi @Springy12, my sincere condolences on your Mum passing away, in my humble opinion there is no-one quite like your Mum. It is still very recent and is obviously the grief is very raw - you are hurting plain and simple. We go through so much caring for our loved ones with dementia, very difficult times for sure yes, but it creates a special bond. You see that person change - as we say the long goodbye. Even if you know the end is near, it's no easier. Time will help for sure. All I would say is if you can, try and think of one thing a day that made you smile with Mum - I found that helped. But of course still let the tears flow if that is how you feel, its perfectly natural and part of the grieving process. It will in time get easier - I promise you. Stay strong and share on here, the good folk on this forum are here for you.
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
I’m so sorry to read of your situation. It’s bad enough losing your mum but under the current circumstances it must be even harder for you.

It really is very early days for you and it’s understandable that you’re crying . It’s easy for me to say try not to feel guilty but really - you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Can you contact your sister using Face Time or one of the other video link applications? Perhaps that would help a bit.

I know it’s not very helpful to hear people say that time heals. We have to live through every stage of our grief and grief is different for everyone. I’m glad you’ve chosen to share here. I know you will get lots of support here.

Please keep posting.
Hello. Thank you for replying to me. This is the hardest and saddest thing I have ever dealt with.
It doesn't feel real at the moment because you can't go out and the nursing home where she was is on lockdown I'm actually dreading things going back to normal because she won't be there 😭
I was going to the nursing home as I have made a lot of friends there since they've been looking after mum, it made me feel close to her.
I have been put in touch with a councilling service by my doctor, so waiting to hear from them now.
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
Im sorry @Springy12
Even though we know the conclusion of dementia, it is still a shock. The abnrmal times and conditions in which we are living increases anxiety too, so cut yourself some slack. It sounds like you looked after your mum right up till the end and no one could have done more

It s still early days, be gentle with yourself
Hello. Thanks for replying. I was always there for her, she was my life. Even though it was hard seeing her like she was I miss seeing her so much 😢
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
Hi yes time is great healer but it does take time when I lost my mum I used to think about all the good times we had from as far back as I could remember that did help a lot , and it brought back quite a lot of smiles she had add a hard life life but always had a smile, so maybe just remember the good days you had with mum and think the pain not fisical pain but the pain of not knowing the people that come to see him not being able to answer them or being able to do all the things we take for granted that pain has now gone and also your pain of watching your soul mate going from the man you new to the the man that isn't the man you new and loved . I do hope I haven't been to blunt but yes in time it will get better it did for me.
Thanks for replying. I try to think of good times but then the sadness takes over and I just cry all the time 😭
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
I lost my mum to AD almost 20 years ago. She died peacefully in her own home, but was on her own when it happened. As a family, we feel it was a blessing _ the way she wanted it to happen. Towards the end, she looked like my mum, she sounded like my mum - but she wasn't really my mum. Although we were all devastated, we felt she had been set free from the horror that is AD. Now when I think of her, I smile - the good things pop into my mind, not the bad. Sadly, my husband was diagnosed with early stages of AD last September - life is so cruel that I have to see another loved one go through this. Knowing what is to come doesn't help, but I hope that he will progress like my mum did. I dread the future, but there is nothing to be done except live it. I hope that you will find peace and that your loss will become easier to cope with. Remember that your mum was released at the end of the disease known as "the long goodbye".
My heart goes out to you xxx
Hello. Sorry to hear about your mum and now your husband, it really is a cruel illness.
I know she is ok now and not suffering anymore but selfishly she was there for me to go and see and now I can't.😭
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
Hi @Springy12, my sincere condolences on your Mum passing away, in my humble opinion there is no-one quite like your Mum. It is still very recent and is obviously the grief is very raw - you are hurting plain and simple. We go through so much caring for our loved ones with dementia, very difficult times for sure yes, but it creates a special bond. You see that person change - as we say the long goodbye. Even if you know the end is near, it's no easier. Time will help for sure. All I would say is if you can, try and think of one thing a day that made you smile with Mum - I found that helped. But of course still let the tears flow if that is how you feel, its perfectly natural and part of the grieving process. It will in time get easier - I promise you. Stay strong and share on here, the good folk on this forum are here for you.
Hello. Thanks for replying. It is the hardest thing ever, just don't think I will ever stop 😭
She was everything to me and I know she was bad but she was still here for me to see.
I hate her not being here 😭
 

theunknown

Registered User
Apr 17, 2015
422
Hello
I lost my mum at the end of February and my life ended.
She was everything to me and I spent so much time with her, my heart is broken 💔
I am really struggling without her even though she was asleep all the time towards the end at least she was still there.
I cry every day and it's that intense I feel like my chest is broken.
I can't smile anymore as I feel guilty because mum isn't here.
I can't see my sister because of the lockdown.
My husband tries to help me but he suffers with bad depression so is struggling anyway.
Can anyone offer advise?
I know people say time heals but it doesn't feel like I will ever be able to stop crying 😭




as
Sorry no advice, but I do feel for you. I don't myself believe that time 'heals'. What I do believe is that the brain, with space and time, eventually starts prioritising other things. It needs to, for us to function. At the moment your brain/memory is prioritising your mum; in time it will put other things at the forefront. Your feelings about your mum will never diminish, but they won't be always at the forefront. It's awful that you're going through this intense unhappiness, particularly at a time when our world feels so uncertain, but I hope, in time, it won't be so intense for you.
 

Toony Oony

Registered User
Jun 21, 2016
569
Oh @Springy12 - my heart goes out to you, along with my deepest sympathy.
My Mum died in February too, at the beginning of the month. Thankfully it was very quick but desperately sad. My Mum had not been able to communicate with me properly for almost 2 years. Sometimes she knew who I was, sometimes not. She thought I never visited (I did, very frequently)
I was heartbroken when she died, but in truth she left me a long, long while ago.
I was sad that I no longer had her in my life, but grateful that she had been spared any more of the life she had, the depression and the indignities that she had to suffer and hated. I was thankful her death was quick and painfree. I am now also grateful that her death was not tied up with all the lockdowns currently in place.
It felt very strange to not be visiting Mum in the CH - I'd find myself planning what to take in etc and then remember ..... I also found it strange how suddenly all CH contact ceased, despite knowing the residents and staff so well.
Give yourself time, and be gentle with yourself. Everybody handles these things differently and it is still really early days. I think counselling is an excellent idea and I hope it is successful.
I do not know you or your Mum, but being a Mum myself, I would want my child to miss me and remember me with much love, but I would not want them to suffer greatly.

Take care X
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
Sorry no advice, but I do feel for you. I don't myself believe that time 'heals'. What I do believe is that the brain, with space and time, eventually starts prioritising other things. It needs to, for us to function. At the moment your brain/memory is prioritising your mum; in time it will put other things at the forefront. Your feelings about your mum will never diminish, but they won't be always at the forefront. It's awful that you're going through this intense unhappiness, particularly at a time when our world feels so uncertain, but I hope, in time, it won't be so intense for you.
Thanks for replying. It does make sense what you say, all I think about is mum and her not being here anymore.
It's feels so hard not being able to see my sister ☹
 

Springy12

Registered User
Apr 27, 2014
38
Warrington
Oh @Springy12 - my heart goes out to you, along with my deepest sympathy.
My Mum died in February too, at the beginning of the month. Thankfully it was very quick but desperately sad. My Mum had not been able to communicate with me properly for almost 2 years. Sometimes she knew who I was, sometimes not. She thought I never visited (I did, very frequently)
I was heartbroken when she died, but in truth she left me a long, long while ago.
I was sad that I no longer had her in my life, but grateful that she had been spared any more of the life she had, the depression and the indignities that she had to suffer and hated. I was thankful her death was quick and painfree. I am now also grateful that her death was not tied up with all the lockdowns currently in place.
It felt very strange to not be visiting Mum in the CH - I'd find myself planning what to take in etc and then remember ..... I also found it strange how suddenly all CH contact ceased, despite knowing the residents and staff so well.
Give yourself time, and be gentle with yourself. Everybody handles these things differently and it is still really early days. I think counselling is an excellent idea and I hope it is successful.
I do not know you or your Mum, but being a Mum myself, I would want my child to miss me and remember me with much love, but I would not want them to suffer greatly.

Take care X
Hello. Thanks for replying. Sorry to hear about your mum.
Mum had started to get bad in August 2015 and in the beginning I had a breakdown because I couldn't cope seeing her how she was.
It is so heartbreaking to see them getting so bad.
I know she is better now and I know she would of hated knowing how she ended up, it's the fact she's not there to go and see anymore- even if half the time she didn't know I was there.
I keep in touch with the guys from the nursing home and I was still going in as I felt close to her when I was there. But obviously now I can't.
I can't see my sister, so you end up with nothing.
My husband is great but doesn't really know what to do with me when I cry all the time.
I've spoken to a bereavement person tonight and they were really nice and said I can call as often as I want to. Normally I would get an appointment but obviously can't at the moment.
X