1. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    yesterday was a nightmare I didn't think it could be any worse but I was wrong today was. Edna started on me the minute I walked in the door, she did not want to go out with me only dad, my reply was ok we will see, she stuck to her guns and we did not get out.
    but anything I said was wrong, I am sorry to say that I lost it and shouted back at her. Edna keeps going on about being being on her own and we are all ganging up on her, we never ask how her family is etc but she does not, know they never come to see her in the heat of it I gave her the phone and told her to phone her son and see if he cares because he doesnt, I have said some terrible things to her and now feel so bad I know she will not remember but I do. on my way out she said are you coming tomorrow its been lovely to see you ( has it )we did take to chance today to talk to her about the hospital appoinment on thursday but her reply was if I don't want to go then I won't.
    I was still in a temper so my reply was we just let them put you in a home which did not go down very well, she then said she was going to live on her own but could not understand why she couldn't I tried to tell her she wouldn't be able to as she carn't look after herself, her reply was I can but soon declined when I said you can cook today's tea. sorry for ranting on I feel so down and could cry for the world, my hubbie its trying to support me but hes getting fed up of it all
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,592
    Kent
    Oh don`t be too hard on yourself, I`ve done and said all the things you`ve mentioned.

    Sometimes the behaviour is so challenging you`d need to be a saint to manage it without losing it.

    Edna seems to be at the stage my husband was at last year. She is still fighting to keep her indepenence by asserting herself. But when you put her to the test, she backs down.

    My husband`s excuse when I challenged him was `I`ll go/do it tomorrow`. Tomorrow never came.

    See how quickly Edna forgot. Sadly , it will affect you for a while. Try not to let it, and I know it`s easier said than done.

    If it`s any consolation, and I know no two people are the same, she should grow out of it. My husband is much more co-operative now, but it did take a while.

    Take care xx
     
  3. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Hello Heartbroken,

    Sorry you've had a rotten day..I know you're doing your best for your dad and Edna.

    Please don't beat yourself up about today..it's not you..it's the disease. the awful truth is that what worked yesterday may not work today..but might again tomorrow.

    Edna will forget today..you must too..although I know how difficult that can be..

    Things will look different tomorrow..

    Not much help, I know..I do feel for you.

    Love Gigi xx
     
  4. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    My husband`s excuse when I challenged him was `I`ll go/do it tomorrow`. Tomorrow never came.

    Syliva this is just what Edna says she also says "I'll do it in a bit".

    thanks gigi and syliva. I know its the illness and I shouldn't be so hard on myself but I have always took things to heart and I'm finding all this so hard. I can't wait for thursday to come and see what they say. we have been told they might admit her for a full assesment I hope so, it will give dad the break he needs and I will be able to go round and help him sort the house out. we will have to wait and see.
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,592
    Kent
    You will never stop taking it to heart because it`s a heartbreaking position to be in.

    But when I realize others have the same frustrations and give way with the same reactions, it does help to know I am not quite the failure I thought I was.

    I hope you get some help on Thursday. Have you written to the consultant in advance to explain the challenges you face? It is much easier than trying to talk in code in Edna`s presence.

    Good luck xx
     
  6. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Very familiar, Heartbroken!

    Eric will "shave tomorrow".."change his clothes..tomorrow"

    "play golf..tomorrow"..or "when the weather's better"

    It's been like this for a while..without me..or someone..tomorrow never comes.

    It is very hard for us to understand..easier for me because I'm here with Eric..in your situation I think it's much more difficult.
    Don't start blaming your husband, either..(I sort of got the impression you were..if I'm wrong..forgive me)

    There is no blame to be attached to anyone..
    Edna and your dad are fortunate that you are there for them and that you care..but you cannot do it all, alone.
    You still have a life with your husband...

    I do hope the assessment goes well on Thursday..please post as often as you need to between then and now..

    Love Gigi xx
     
  7. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    When you are faced with this day after day, you must sometimes let out your frustration. The sad thing is, you are the one who suffers for 'loosing your cool' because of the guilt and remorse afterwards. I know because I have also vented my anger and frustration and felt so, so ashamed of myself.

    It is hard to detach yourself and your emotions from the person you love when they are so very unreasonable and hard to control but this is the only way that I personally can cope when things get me to breaking point. I have surprised myself recently by the way in which I have been able to distance myself. I now know that whatever I say or do, I will not be ableto 'get through' the barrier which is dementia.

    Take care of yourself and remember, you do the best you can with the situation you are faced with. I doubt if anyone else could cope as well as you do, day in and day out so try to give yourself a big pat on the back each time you get through the day.
    xxTinaT
     
  8. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    That Sylvia is about it in a nutshell ...... brilliantly said!!!! Sometimes, all I need from TP is to know I'm not the only one that 'loses it' ...... that these are normal, natural, temporary reactions to an awful situation (whatever situation we are all in) ...... and I must not feel guilty if my halo goes a bit rusty from time to time ......:eek:

    Heartbroken - I hope Thursday proves to be a breakthrough for you .... and thank you for sharing what you have .....

    Take care, love Karen, x
     
  9. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    Thank you so much all
    I the moment I don;t know what I would do without TP he best thing I have done is come on here, I wish my dd had a computer as he would find it so useful
    I haven't wrote to the consultant but what a good idea I will draught out a letter tonight and show dad tomorrow and get it sent thanks for helping
     
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #10 Margarita, Mar 21, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2008
    I have been loosing my cool of late with my mother taking in a very load voice . shouting will people may perceive it like that if they hear it . I don't shout I talk in a very load voice .


    Also Heartbroken post sounds like the same discussion my mother has had with me , I would go & get the phone so she ring her sister or my brother .

    it been going on like that with my mother for years since I have been caring for her & I use to feel so much remorse afterward because of all the guilt . I ended up getting depressed all about it .

    I don't know more . we all shout at point in are life to each other , we all lose are Temper . Come on we are all human !

    My mother shout at the dog . I shout at the dog to stop begging . Then my mother feel sorry for the dog , tell me don't shout at the dog :D , My point in tell you all that is that my mother not anger at the dog as she was sorry for it afterward , she just sick tried of it all also .

    I know its the dementia that making mum more hard to reason with , so you have to work a way around it .

    If Edna does not want to go Edna Not going to go .

    I only know that as my mother got to a stage she did not want to go to any more appointment for mental assessment or any think to do with her health .

    As it was getting to highly stress full for me . I put my foot down with the dementia mental assessment team in my area .

    I told them the reality of mum mental heath they not reasoning with her when she does not want to go some where, as even my doctor agreed said it to me don't stress her out bring her to appointments . So the dementia mental assessment team said they would come to our HOUSE.

    As mum go to day centre , they said they can do it they also . Oh that made me feel so much positive , as then can distract her afterwards .

    You never know Edna may go on the day . If she don't Give up , or just recognize your going to get very very frustrated in getting her they Or tell the mental assessment team to come to your home , tell them every thing & if your lucky that in your area they come out to you home . your on a winner .

    Good luck , get ride of the guilt as its a one journey building blocks , into the land of depression.
     
  11. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    I have asked for a home assesment but because its the first one we can't.
    Edna hasn't been to bad since fri, she has been getting all mixed up and repeting herself but not a argumentive I hope she is the same tomorrow
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    So do I . Both Finger are Cross for you xx
     
  13. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    Edna was fine today she was a bit up and down but not to bad we could cope with her.
    I am not feeling to well today so it was a good job she was ok, Its a early night with a hot milky drink for me
     
  14. jacquelineb

    jacquelineb Registered User

    Mar 24, 2008
    2
    kent
    heartbroken

    I could have cried when I read your messages it was like seeing my Dad all over again. Please keep positive or you will end up ill, sometimes people surprise you and things turn out better than you may have hoped. Maybe a nip of brandy in the milky night drink!! Good luck and I hope you get a good result
    Jacquelineb x
     
  15. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    I'm so ill today, Full of cold so having a day in bed, not gone to dads but I have phoned him he's taking Edna out for a run in the car and to feed the ducks she likes that, then she will have a sleep later.
     
  16. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    HI Heartbroken

    I hope that your cold is better soon. Mine is just disappearing, probably why I have a shorter fuse than usual too. Deson't make dealing with this illness any easier though..

    Enjoy a nice day in bed with a hot toddy and take the time you need to get better

    (((hugs0))

    Mameeskye
     
  17. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    Hi Mameeskye
    Thanks so much I going now to have a sleep.
    don't worry about having a short fuse you have a lot on at the moment I have just posted on your thread please take some time out for you and look after your self I am thinking of you HUGS
     
  18. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #18 Margarita, Mar 25, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2008
    heartbroken I was wondering did you have a carer assessment done for yourself ?

    As I am wondering when it all gets to much for you & you need time out like a week or two , is they a plan in place with social services that when you have a few weeks out they someone to take over from you ?

    I think you have get direct payments so must be entitle for more money allocated to you from diecrt payment for annual leave of respite of 8 weeks a year like I have .

    Or do you not take time out for you , because Edna does not like anyone looking after her in her own home beside you ?

    As I finally pick up the phone today , phone social services asking them to organize respite for me in April as that when my respite begins again for the year 2008 / 2009 , as my brain feeling very strain full lately as my daughter had to go into hospital the other night .

    I stayed with her at her flat , while my son look after mum for the night , It done me a world of good also because it gave me time out to recognize how better I felt outside from looking after mum & brother .


    I book 2 weeks , I hate booking respite as mum always seen to drop when she gets back respite, but then I have to except that she going to drop anyway .

    My last respite was only in January , but for my own mental health to be keep healthy keep looking after mum I have book 2 week on 4th April .
     
  19. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    HI Margarita
    yes I have direct payments but as I only do 21 hours a week
    I get 4 weeks paid off but there is no one yet to step in when I am, so the sw is trying to get someone Edna will except so I can have time off, I haven't had a assessment Edna's is on thursday so fingers crossed for then.
     

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