Lost, Confused and trying to Cope.

[wondering-mind]

I Lost my Mother at the Early Part of this Year to Vascular Dementia. It hit the Whole Family and it Feels like it has Torn the Whole Family Apart. Everyone is trying to Cope in their own Way. I thought I would be able to Cope and Be Strong for the Whole Family but I'm Just finding it hard now to Cope.
Now my Father has some how Moved on and has Found someone else to be with in his Life. And I am Happy that he is Happy, but I am Finding it Hard to come to terms about it. I don't want to sound Selfish, and I know he is Probably Happy that he can share his life with someone else, but I am Finding it Hard to understand how he can move on so quickly.
I only speak to one member of my Family now, due to everyone else wants to be on their own. That's how I feel. I have tried talking and saying how I feel but I feel I've got no where. It feels like I've lost my Mum and now everyone else wants to Ditch Each other. I am just starting to Feel alone. I just feel like, when you know a HUG from your Mum is the answer. I Just feel Silly and Stupid!

 

[try again]

It's hard to see other people move on when you can't. Was your dad her primary carer? Sometimes the other partner of dementia feels they have lost their partner well before the physical loss and to be honest I am sure quite a few PWD's would wish this of their partner.
If you are finding it hard, perhaps you should speak to a grief counsellor?

 

[Michael E]

Before my wife died of Alzheimers about 3 years ago, and had been in a care home for some time , I found a new partner.

Caring for Monique at home had been years of problems that I could hardly cope with. Finally having put her in a home on her doctors recommendation, the pain did not stop and the tri-weekly visits were agony.

I found an new partner who made my life bearable and made me feel all the years I had personally lost, being a carer - the only carer - had perhaps not been totally wasted. When Monique died frankly I felt more a sense of relief than sorrow. she had not known who I was for over a decade.

A few months ago my new partner died of cancer. I have never experienced grief like this in all my life. My mum was 87 when she died and my father (with dementia) died in his late 90s and of course I was sad, but both had lived long and for the most part well so my grief was moderated by their age.

Now I am alone again and at my age I cannot imagine finding another partner. I really envy the father of ´¨wondering-mind. its difficult to live alone and have no hopes, aspirations or dreams. Moving on with a new partner does not in my opinion denigrate in any way the one that has died but actually celebrates the fact that the relationship had been good and the survivor eventually wants to try to repeat the experience.

 

[kindred]

I am so very sorry for your double loss, Michael. What a dreadful time you have had. I get through my grief (husband profoundly disabled now) by telling myself that grief is normal. I can't manage any other way. Of course a further relationship is a celebration that the other relationship has been a good one. Of course it does. I so wish you well. Kindred.

 

[AliceA]

Dear Michael,

when we grieve it brings back earlier griefs too. You are bound to feel like this, it is natural.
As Kindred said, good relationships help make new relationships too.
Love often come when we are not looking for it, love comes in many forms too.
Give yourself time, a bit of self care. A trust that good things come in time at the right time.

My very best thoughts to you, AliceA