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Lost and need advice


Registered User
Jan 25, 2016
My mother-in-law (79 y.o.) has Alzheimers and I thing is at the end stages she does not respond, walk (when we lift her with great difficulty she drags her feet) or hear. She only says 1-2 words and she sleeps most of the time.
She has a rush which despite so many creams does not go, she scratches her arms and tummy to the point of drawing blood.She is diabetic and takes medications and with right food we are controlling.
My wife is looking after her in our home but I feel that my wife is so tired physically and mentally that before long she will have a breakdown.
My father in law who is 88 y.o. is wealthy but refuses to spend any money for any carers or alterations to his flat (in block of flats for elderly) and he insists for us to take her back to their flat for him to care for her.He does not come to our house to see her and always end up having an argument with my wife as to why we are not taking her back to their flat
Can you please advise if my wife can take any action or get any help to look after her poor mum who deserves better at the end of her life?
My father in law can just about look after himself, the flat is not clean he refuses to put the hot water on and only aim in life is to save money. He is the register carer and due to his wealth social services cannot help my mother in law free of charge (rightly so).
I feel with some help me and my wife we will be able to give the care her mum deserves but on the other hand we cannot upset an 88y.o man out of respect and fear of making him ill by taking drastic steps involving social services.
PLEASE ADVICE:confused::confused:
Thank you
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Registered User
Nov 3, 2013
Hello. It sounds as though you all could do with some help. The lifting and "dragging" sounds potentially dangerous as you could injure yourselves or your mother in law. We look after Mum at home and have been given equipment by the occupational therapist (hoist, profiling bed, wheelchair, wheeled commode, etc) and it sounds as though you could do with an OT assessment. There is no charge for the equipment. Perhaps it might be helpful to contact one of the helplines - Alzheimers Society, Admiral Nurses or Age UK for more expert advice?


Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
I would get social services involved. Your MIL must have a pension etc that could be used to pay for some care. Your FIL sounds like mine. he wont put the heating on and his whole house now smells of damp because of it.

As far as I know no-one has ever died of bad temper so I would go ahead and do what needs to be done for your MIL. Going back to her own flat does not sound like an option. You don't have to tell FIL anything until you have to.

Bets of luck


Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
You must do whats right for MiL.
If FiL gets upset, so be it.
MiL is a vunerable person, and needs more care than FiL is able to give.
His best way of looking after her is to get help for her, through you.
Cost wise, it will depend on what money/savings etc. MiL has in her own name, rather than in his name. (joint accounts are normally considered 50/50 unless shown differently.)



Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
agree agree agree. Phone adult care at social services and get an assessment. Sounds as though your FiL may have the beginnings of a problem too but don't worry about that right now get your MiL some help (and your wife!!!!!)

Good luck.