My husband of 62 has just been diagnosed with vascular dementia 2 weeks ago absolutely shell shocked ..still keep thinking theyve got it wrong and totally lost and confused. he seems to be totally oblivious of it all .which to be honest I'm glad... but what the hell is next for us. totally have no idea. and feel so shocked he just says it's just getting old thats all ... and I'm glad hes not fretting... but i so am ??
Lost and confused
- Thread starter Saffie123
- Start date
Welcome @Saffie123
It's not really somewhere anyone wants to be but I do hope you'll feel among others who will offer support and understand how you are feeling right now.
I'm glad you sound relieved your husband doesn't seem to realise the implications of his diagnosis but really know how upset you are feeling and can only sympathise.
Here are some links to start you off when you feel you don't know where to turn.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Please don't hesitate to ask for help, from the Alzheimers Society, from those of us on Talking Point, from social services.
The support system has suffered since the pandemic and I suggest you explore every avenue in the hope something will be available for you locally and financially as well as emotionally.
Let your husband continue to think he's just getting old, however much we know different. It is a big weight on your shoulders so please don't shut family out and pretend everything is under control.
It's not really somewhere anyone wants to be but I do hope you'll feel among others who will offer support and understand how you are feeling right now.
I'm glad you sound relieved your husband doesn't seem to realise the implications of his diagnosis but really know how upset you are feeling and can only sympathise.
Here are some links to start you off when you feel you don't know where to turn.
Find support near you
Use our dementia directory to find local support services for people with dementia and their carers in England, Wales and Northern Ireland.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Please don't hesitate to ask for help, from the Alzheimers Society, from those of us on Talking Point, from social services.
The support system has suffered since the pandemic and I suggest you explore every avenue in the hope something will be available for you locally and financially as well as emotionally.
Let your husband continue to think he's just getting old, however much we know different. It is a big weight on your shoulders so please don't shut family out and pretend everything is under control.
Good family are invaluable @Saffie123. It's good to know you have this level of support.
I never appreciated the benefits of tears until I became a carer for my husband. They really do help.
I never appreciated the benefits of tears until I became a carer for my husband. They really do help.
Hello and welcome to the forum from me also, I’m glad you are finding the forum helpful I hope you will continue to be an active part of the community
Hi Saffie - so sorry to hear of your husband's diagnosis. You are bound to be in a state of shock especially if you weren't expecting it. Your lives are changed and you will have a lot to face later on but you will settle into and adapt to your changed circumstances.
What the hell is next for you is difficult to answer - everyone is different.
It is about 3 years since my husband was diagnosed - he has Alzheimers, and we are still able to go on holiday, visit friends and play golf together however we cannot have a conversation mainly because he does not listen.
In a way, at least in the early stages it can be worse for the partner, my husband, like yours, just doesn't acknowledge his condition..
This would be my advice to any carer in the early stages based on what helps me
Look after yourself as much as him - it is in both your interests.
Maintain or develop activities on your own if you possibly can, if possible have a separate place within the home to sit and relax as well - while you may not need this now I believe it will be better for you later on if he is used to spend some time alone. I would even go so far as thinking about sleeping separately on one or two days a week if possible.
Learn to tell fibs - make your lives as easy as you can by giving him reasons he will accept when you are suggesting things eg I need to sleep in the other bed because I can't sleep and want to read without disturbing you.
Get help from relatives, carers/companions if you can afford them or can find a charity that offers befrienders in your area. Again you may not need them at this stage but if your husband is used to having others help him he will hopefully accept help easier later on when he will need it.
Get Power of Attorney sorted out while he still has capacity - I did it for both of us with him and and my son acting as Attorney for me saying it was sensible as we were getting older. If you are ok with form filling it is not difficult to do it on line saving solicitor's costs.
Look for dementia groups in your area and use this forum to ask any questions - you will get good advice. Maybe don't read other posts for now - you don't need to be worrying about future problems at this stage.
Deal with changes as they arrive - don't look ahead too much.
To end on a brighter note I have found that by far the majority of people, young and old, strangers and friends are very kind when they know the situation.
My best wishes to you - you will deal with this awful illness because you have no choice - focus on enjoying life as much as you can rather than worrying about what is to come - easier said than done of course but you might as well try. Good luck
What the hell is next for you is difficult to answer - everyone is different.
It is about 3 years since my husband was diagnosed - he has Alzheimers, and we are still able to go on holiday, visit friends and play golf together however we cannot have a conversation mainly because he does not listen.
In a way, at least in the early stages it can be worse for the partner, my husband, like yours, just doesn't acknowledge his condition..
This would be my advice to any carer in the early stages based on what helps me
Look after yourself as much as him - it is in both your interests.
Maintain or develop activities on your own if you possibly can, if possible have a separate place within the home to sit and relax as well - while you may not need this now I believe it will be better for you later on if he is used to spend some time alone. I would even go so far as thinking about sleeping separately on one or two days a week if possible.
Learn to tell fibs - make your lives as easy as you can by giving him reasons he will accept when you are suggesting things eg I need to sleep in the other bed because I can't sleep and want to read without disturbing you.
Get help from relatives, carers/companions if you can afford them or can find a charity that offers befrienders in your area. Again you may not need them at this stage but if your husband is used to having others help him he will hopefully accept help easier later on when he will need it.
Get Power of Attorney sorted out while he still has capacity - I did it for both of us with him and and my son acting as Attorney for me saying it was sensible as we were getting older. If you are ok with form filling it is not difficult to do it on line saving solicitor's costs.
Look for dementia groups in your area and use this forum to ask any questions - you will get good advice. Maybe don't read other posts for now - you don't need to be worrying about future problems at this stage.
Deal with changes as they arrive - don't look ahead too much.
To end on a brighter note I have found that by far the majority of people, young and old, strangers and friends are very kind when they know the situation.
My best wishes to you - you will deal with this awful illness because you have no choice - focus on enjoying life as much as you can rather than worrying about what is to come - easier said than done of course but you might as well try. Good luck
I agree with everything Sue741215 has written. I wish I’d found this forum when I was at the same stage as you, 2 years ago, that advice would have helped me so much.
