lost and alone

[trisha.hall]

My mum is 93 and has Alzheimers. She still lives alone in her own home (owned by me)where she has lived for 60 years. I live and work 100 miles away and am only child. I get down there every fortnight to do her shopping, sort out her money and generally catch up - although conversations are becoming difficult.
I've got her carers 3/day, a cleaner, a gardener, meals on wheels etc. Lately she has deteriorated very quickly. Very confused, very angry, very forgetful. Refuses to wash and dress. Eating is spasmodic, as is drinking.
I feel very guilty. She hates being on her own but she forgets about any visitors. Anything I say to her she doesn't believe. She sleeps most of the day and her dreams become her reality.
I'm putting off the time when I may have to place her in a home so she can receive better care. She refuses point blank to go anywhere for respite and says she wants to stay in her home.
I cry every time I leave her house
Any advice please...??

 

[elaineo2]

Dear Trisha,what a situation you have.I can only say that there are members of Tp who may be willing to advise you on this one.It's something that i haven't had to deal with yet,but i am sure will in the future.I offer my sincere best wishes to you all.love elainex

 

[BeckyJan]

I'm putting off the time when I may have to place her in a home so she can receive better care. She refuses point blank to go anywhere for respite and says she wants to stay in her home

I do understand how your Mum feels cos who would want to give up their home. BUT you say she hates being on her own - that to me is the key to saying she would be better in a NH. The big question is how do you cope with that?? Can you get the help of GP, Social Worker, CPN - if they can help to direct your Mum into this way of thinking, you may just get some relief. My experience says that often a person is put into assessment unit firstly and the rest follows. Not sure if it is that simple but maybe worth an enquiry.

I feel I am rambling and not sure how useful this is.

Hope you get other useful replies. Best wishes Jan

 

[Skye]

Dear Trisha, I'm sorry to have to say this, but it sounds as if the time has come.

It sounds as if your mum is very vulnersble, and for her own safety she should be looked after 24/7.

You have done everything you can to meet her needs, but as her needs have changed, perhaps the situation needs a rethink.

I wouldn't bother with respite as things have got so bad, but try to find a nice home for her, if possible closer to you so that you can keep an eye on her.

Just my opinion, of course, it has to be your decision.

Best wishes,

 

[Skye]

My experience says that often a person is put into assessment unit firstly and the rest follows. Not sure if it is that simple but maybe worth an enquiry.

That doesn't necessarily happen, Jan. People can be assessed by SS in their own home, and if they are judged to be vulnerable, a place can be found quite quickly.

As far as I'm aware, people are placed in assessment units if there are behavioural problems, or if medication needs re-assessment.

 

[Doreen99]

It must be so difficult for you living so far away, let alone having to cope with your mum's behaviour as well.

She obviously doesn't want to leave her own home, but it sounds like she really needs more care than can be provided in her own home. Perhaps you could approach the subject with her on the basis that you would like her to live nearer to you, so you could see her more often? If she was in a care home close to her, it would be possible for you to pop in and see her, without having to travel 100 miles.

I would imagine the first practical step to take would be to contact her GP. for some support in your argument, as older people generally seem to have a great respect for "professionals" and take more notice of them than they do of their family.

When my dad was ill with emphysema and couldn't really cope on his own, he argued with me against going into respite care for a week or so. But when the local nurse suggeste it, it was a wonderful idea. I found this happened over and over again - my ideas were rubbish, but the nurses or the doctors were sound.

I wish you luck - and I'll say you shouldn't beat yourself up, as you've obviously done as much as you can. But you're still going to get upset and feel guilty, I know you will, it seems to be part of the human condition that we're far harder on ourselves than we are on other people.

 

[clarethebear]

Hi Trisha

Welcome to TP.

Sorry to hear about your mum, you seem to be having a rough time of things at the moment don't you.

My Nanna wouldn't hear of going in a home, she also lived on her own although we did live closer to her than you do your mum. We took her to see a few places and of course she didn't like any of them.

We chose a home for her which was a very good one. We told her she had to go there for a short while, while she had work done on her house. We told her she needed work done on her roof (knowing she wouldn't know any different) and that because of all the mess she needed to go to the home while the work was being done. We told her to treat it as a little holiday, of course she never did go back to her house again. After awhile she stopped asking if the work was nearly finished on the house and started to see her bedroom in the home as her house.

I hope this may help you in some way.

Take Care
Clare