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Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by kassy, Feb 13, 2012.

  1. kassy

    kassy Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    Mum's been gone 18 months,but it still feels like yesterday.:(

    I wish i had just one good memory of her,but as hard as i try to remember,there is nothing.

    I send my son a message every week and he doesn't reply.I can't do it anymore.I check my emails and facebook every day and cry.

    What have i done that is so wrong?
  2. Haylett

    Haylett Registered User

    Feb 4, 2011
    Dear Kassy,

    Here's a reply. I know it's not the same at all, but I felt for you so much reading your post. I'm quite sure you haven't done anything wrong at all - and after 18 months, the loss of your mother is likely to still feel pretty raw. I hope with time, that happy memories will return for you, something from much earlier on perhaps. (I'm sorry, I haven't read your threads, so don't know if I'm being crassly insensitive in saying that, if you had a difficult relationship with your Mum throughout.) I just wanted to make a quick reply so you might not feel so alone.

    How old is your son? I have sons too - teenagers. Mostly they are very considerate and I love them to bits, as clearly you do yours - but it's hard going when you give and give and don't just get something back. Possibly, you've just done a great job and brought up a young man who is outgoing and getting the most out of life - he just needs to remember his Mum a bit more. Do you have a brother or sister or anyone whom you are both close to, who might give him a nudge? I'm sure that you were close when he was little and they say that never goes away....

    I hope the day gets better for you. I'm sure your other friends will be here shortly.....Hx
  3. Contrary Mary

    Contrary Mary Registered User

    Jun 11, 2010
    Greater London
    Dear Kassy

    I wish I could find the words to comfort you.

    I remember when my Nan died, with severe dementia, wondering why my Mum and aunt spent so much time at the hospital. Probably at that age I was a bit selfish too.

    Now I've lost Mum I understand exactly.

    Like you, I am struggling to find good memories. So many years of ill-health has left different memories.

    I understand now why Mum could not look at a photo of Dad for a long time.

    Perhaps one day your son will understand.

    Thinking of you.
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Kassy my son is wonderful but I know he thinks I`m clinging on to Dhiren. He cannot see any quality in his life and wonders why I am not bored silly when I sit with him for hours.

    He is sorry for his dad , visits regularly and really tries, but I think he is even more sorry for me and thinks I will have a weight off my shoulders when Dhiren dies.
    Little does he know.

    He has never openly voiced his feelings but I know this by little things he says .

    The relationships are so different. If close family do not understand where you`re coming from I`m sure it`s because of this.
  5. hollycat

    hollycat Registered User

    Nov 20, 2011
    Hi kassy, am going to reply from a different angle. I can think of one good memory of your mum........YOU. A caring, sharing and lovely person.

    x x x
  6. kassy

    kassy Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    When i send him messages i don't mention my mum,or how depressed i am.

    What he doesn't 'get' is his behaviour towards me is making me feel worse than i already do.

    I know he is angry with me for not going to visit him in Canada,but i can't help that.
  7. kassy

    kassy Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    You are very kind,but if i was so lovely i would still have relationships with everyone i've ever cared about.
  8. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    Dear Kassie
    I just want to say I'm thinking of you lots. I lost my mum over 20 years ago now, she was only 65.

    I still miss her terribly, but the good memories gradually overtake the unhappy ones, and I remember her now in a good and happy way. I can laugh at some of the silly things. Yes I still have the memories of her later days which weren't good, but with time and effort I have shut these out and concentrate on her in happier times.

    Please try to be patient with yourself, because things don't change overnight and I know from what I've read that you were a star for your mum in her later years, doing everything you could for her. That is something positive that you know you made things better for her.
    Much love
    Jan x
  9. hollycat

    hollycat Registered User

    Nov 20, 2011
    We fall out with friends and family throughout our lives.

    We CAN find new friends, we CAN'T find new family.

    Kassy, you have INSPIRED me with your posts over the last few weeks.

    I honestly believe that the more EFFORT we make with families the more worry and stress we cause for ourselves.

    Hope you can laugh please, but reading your posts about your new job, I had a picture of you in my head of Julie Andrews (Maria) in the sound of music ! Surrounded by needy people and Kassy coming to the fore to be so helpful and caring.

    how does the song go.............


    Please laugh with me Kassy.....please..........when we can't see each other on this internet thing, it is just a silly picture I got in my head.

    P.S. don't you dare start taking those curtains down and start making clothes !
  10. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    Kassy - you're having a bad day. I am sorry. Did you write to your son all about last week and what you did, how uplifted it made you and how you even made a date for a coffee? If you did,s urely that will have shown him how much of an effort you are making in trying to move on with your life. Also how valued and valuable you are. We, here on TP, know you are but perhaps your son needs to see that for himself, so tell him how pleased the people in the centre were to see you and how welcome you were made. Incidentally, I hope this continued this week too.

    Our sons and daughters will take us for granted I know- I'm as guilty as anyone else for allowing that to happen,always on call but not always necessary to their lives. That's just families.

    The pain of your mother will never go away entirely but, as the years pass, it will ease and find its right place in your life - there in the background but not overwhelming as now. It won't always be as bad - 18 months is no time in a life.

    Has your snow all gone? It is warmer down here this morning but i still hate this month and want the spring to come. That will be nice for you too - to see your surroundings in all their spring glory for the first time. I'll look forward to the photos.

    Take care of yourself - things will improve. lots of love XXX
  11. kassy

    kassy Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    All that is in my head is my mum locking me in my bedroom for a year when i was young because i was such a terrible daughter.Blaming me for my Dads heart attack.Being emotionally blackmailed by her all my life,but at the end i was there for her,and look where it has got me.

    My son judges every little thing i do,and as for me volunteering with elderly people,he thinks i'm odd.When i was a home help for Age UK,he said i was just a 'cleaner'.My values are nothing to him,which i accept,he has his opinion.But his attitude towards me tears me apart.:(
  12. turbo

    turbo Registered User

    Aug 1, 2007
    Hello kassy, how many other daughters would have carried on loving their mum after such treatment. You say 'where has it got you' but please think just how special this makes you.

  13. Haylett

    Haylett Registered User

    Feb 4, 2011
    Actually Kassy, all of the above just shows what an incredible person you are. It takes enormous strength of character, to remain true to who you are and what your values are, no matter how others treat you. And even more strength, when the people who treat you badly (your Mum) or casually (your son) are those who should treat you the best. That you rise above it, and give your time to so many people who need it is inspiring.

    If you think of other famous people who might be considered "great" and who command respect - off the top of my head, people like Mother Teresa, Dame Cicely Saunders (lady who founded the hospice movement) - they all did so-called "menial" tasks, didn't they? But how can caring, giving to those whom you don't know, ever be considered "menial"? And as we all know here, caring involves just getting on and doing all the nitty-gritty jobs - it's not just about mopping brows! Bill Gates and his wife earn respect not from the masses of money he gets from Microsoft but for his philanthropy in Africa. And he never appears in 'Hello" or OK magazine - he's never in the headlines but the work he does is remarkable and is changing lives.

    I don't know how old your son is, and I wouldn't wish to offend you - but I think his views reflect less what you do, but more a bit of immaturity on his part. I hope that he'll come to see what a very special mother he has and be proud of her....It sounds to me like you are making a big difference to other people's lives - and that's definitely not a small thing...
  14. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    Kassy, You were clearly a very special daughter and are a very special person.

    In the light of your past, you could well have shut your mum out of your life, but you didn't, and that takes a very special daughter.

    You are very keen to support others and help where you can - not for the glory of it, but to HELP - that takes a very special person.

    You don't do these things for glory - and I think it's very sad that your son cannot see you for who you are. You cannot change his views, but you can carry on being the very special person you are, with or without his approval. Maybe one day he will come to appreciate the person you are.

    Try to keep strong and remember you are special to a lot of people.
  15. tre

    tre Registered User

    Sep 23, 2008
    Do you have any family photos including you and your mum of a time that you may have positive thoughts about? If you do perhaps that might be a starting point to trigger a nice memory.
    With regard to your son I would just keep emailing him but try to just put in good bits and add some of your beautiful photos. He obviously cannot cope with your needs and is avoiding the issue but I wonder if you might make more progress with him if you tried to be really upbeat in the emails. I know you do not feel upbeat a lot of the time but it may be a way of re-opening the communications. He may be feeling a bit guilty about neglecting you and be avoidind getting in touch in case you remind him of that.
    My brother found it very difficult when my mum had emotional needs because of the AD and once she could not be diverted by his taking his baby grandson when he visited her in the care home he hardly went at all. It was not that he did not care but that he could not cope emotionally. Maybe your son is a bit scared like this.
    You were a good daughter to your mum, probably better than she deserved, but it is early days at eighteen months especially as things between the two of you were never easy. You are such a giving person- perhaps you could start to give yourself credit for that. You are very caring to all of us here.
    I think there was some survey that said this time of year was a bit depressing for all of us. Perhaps you may feel a bit more uplifted in the spring.
    with love
  16. kassy

    kassy Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    Its funny,the only photos i can look at of mum are the ones i have here on my profile.They're upsetting to look at,but it was the only period of time i felt true love for my mum.Everyone felt mum got what she deserved,apart from me.

    I don't ever send my son negative messages,even if i'm really low,but,hubby says at 24 years old,he is old enough to understand.He saw the state my mum was in.
  17. tre

    tre Registered User

    Sep 23, 2008
    I do not think your mum got what she deserved at all,just that it is a pity she did not appreciate you more. At least you tried.
    With regard to your son being 24 and able to cope with things, my brother was 56 when he behaved in the way I described. Oh dear. But it was not because he is unfeeling-in fact rather the opposite.
    I think all you can do is keep the channels open for your son and hope he comes around eventually. One of my friends had real problems with his daughter following an acrimonious divorce where her mother was very difficult and said she had to choose one or the other and then threatened suicide if she chose her dad. He kept the channels open by letting his daughter know where he was with very little feedback for over five years. She did not even tell him she had married and he had a grandaughter, but in the past year she has got back in email contact with him and he has recently been sent photos of her family. So hang on in there but I hope your son softens before he reaches my brothers age
  18. sallyc

    sallyc Registered User

    Aug 20, 2008
    Oh love!

    I don't know why your son reacts the way he does.

    I wish I had the answers.

    But I do know that you ARE a very special person. You've suffered so much, and had to deal with so much, and yet you looked after your Mum when she needed you most. You could have turned your back - others did, didn't they?

    But you didn't. You were there with her til the end, and many of us remember how we all kept telling you how amazing you were to deal with it all at the time.

    You are one very special lady. And I know it's not the same, but we all care about you so much on TP.

    Please don't be alone. Just shout if you need me, ok?
  19. kassy

    kassy Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    The thing is,i know why my son is the way he is.He just doesn't understand anything i believe in,he thinks i care TOO much about other people,and should just focus on him.If he was 5 years old,i could understand.
  20. piedwarbler

    piedwarbler Registered User

    Aug 3, 2010
    South Ribble
    I wish I could help you Kassy. All I can send is a hug. I never realised your mum made your life so difficult for you - I thought she was depressed, which I guess she was, or she surely wouldn't have treated her daughter like that. X
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