Loss of my special friend

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by bereaved, Apr 21, 2017.

  1. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,479
    Ireland
    In the earlier times, yes, we have all counted the time since our loss very precisely. Then weeks turn to months, and suddenly, we find ourselves, rather than saying "xx weeks since he died" we start counting in months. "He died five months ago" , six months, seven months...then it's suddenly a whole year. And then, for a bit, we go back to counting in months again. "It's been fourteen months. Sixteen months. Eighteen months." Then, that turns, unbelievably, to "nearly two years".

    I sometimes wonder if we will go on counting forever! But I can tell you that we do adjust. xx
     
  2. bereaved

    bereaved Registered User

    Apr 19, 2017
    20
    My friend's ashes have now been scattered in a beautiful Crematorium in London. Now I know why he wanted his ashes to be scattered there as well as being near to his Father whose ashes were dispersed in 1990. I often wondered why my friend had kept his Mother's ashes but also now know that he obviously wanted them to go with his. The Crematorium had water fountains, the perfume of the roses, and wide immaculately kept lawns and trees with the sun shining down upon us. The ceremony of the scattering was done in a respectful and sympathetic way, even with a reading for strength and a prayer. Two flower posies were also handed to us and I had arranged for flowers which were placed after the scattering. My friend's ashes and his Mum's are on the Crocus Lawn and in the Spring this area will be a mass of purple crocus.
    I felt afterwards that I had been able to carry out my friend's wishes and that he had chosen such a wonderful place and I had this feeling that he really wanted me to see this Crematorium. I think about him and miss him each and every day but have just started to look at his photographs and smile.
     
  3. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,479
    Ireland
    That sounds like it has been very good for you to be there, bereaved. I'm glad you got to go, and can, in darker moments, think about the flowers and peace there. Well done.
     
  4. bereaved

    bereaved Registered User

    Apr 19, 2017
    20
    Now 5 months since my friends passing. Time has gone so quickly but he is remembered and thought of by me each day. Some days are obviously easier than others which I am sure other people experience.

    It was only the other day, 5 months on, that I realised what my friend actually meant when he asked me "will you be alright"! I thought he just meant will you be alright when you leave the Hospital today! But realise now that he knew that he would not survive and was checking with me that I would be alright when he had passed on. I have wondered whether someone with Alzheimers knows that they are not going to survive when in the final stage of this dreadful disease, and I am sure that because of what my friend was asking me, he knew. This was the last conversation that he had with me despite the fact that he still knew I was by his bedside with him.

    I am now trying to help at a Dementia Friendly Group, thought I would not be able to do it, but will be attending another meeting of the Group this coming week. It really is not easy to try and help others with this disease but feel that my friend would want me to do this.
     
  5. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,479
    Ireland
    That's very good news, bereaved. It is difficult, and sometimes feels like one step forward, two steps back. But you are making an effort, and moving forward. Hard as it for those of us left behind, there really is no other option.
     
  6. bereaved

    bereaved Registered User

    Apr 19, 2017
    20
    Many thanks LadyA for your kind words in response to my latest thread.
     
  7. bereaved

    bereaved Registered User

    Apr 19, 2017
    20
    Now 8 months since my special friend passed away and still grieving for him but think that I will always be like this. Hoping that it will get easier but I suppose it is the same for everyone special occasions, anniversaries, Christmas you remember and miss them more. However, will be getting further Counselling in a weeks time, not really sure what I am expecting from the Counselling but at least it will be someone who is outside of the family circle who I will be able to talk and relate to. Loss is so devastating and hard to bear and so the tears still flow. Keep thinking of this time last year we were planning this etc. Anyway, for those who are grieving like me, my heart goes out to them as I know exactly how they are feeling. Hoping for myself and for others that this will not last for ever, but that happier memories will replace these feelings.
     
  8. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,479
    Ireland
    The loss will always be with you, @bereaved . Personally, I actually found the second year after my husband died much harder than the first. During the first year, I knew all those "firsts" - birthday, anniversary, Christmas - without him were going to be hard, and I think part of me was concentrating on getting past those. A neighbour had warned me about this, though, and that the second year can be harder, because once you have gotten over all the "firsts" - the person is still dead. And we find we are starting another year without them.

    But it does get better! Gradually, slowly, it gets easier. The grief is always with us. But we learn to live with it as our new normality, and get on with our lives. It's only 8 months since your friend died. Not long.
     
  9. bereaved

    bereaved Registered User

    Apr 19, 2017
    20
    Thank you so much for your helpful reply. I have come across this verse which I am finding helpful and perhaps others will find it helpful too.

    Now that you are no longer here
    You will always know
    Your memory is with me
    Everywhere I go.
    Although I smile and seem carefree
    No one misses you more than me.

    Peace be thine this Christmas time.

    I hope that some of the members of this forum who have lost their loved one to this awful disease will find some consolation in this verse. Bereaved.
     
  10. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,478
    London
    Beautiful words Bereaved, I lost my husband 11 months ago and I must admit I am finding Christmas very hard.
     
  11. Scouts girl

    Scouts girl Registered User

    Jan 18, 2017
    308
    Lovely words Bereaved. Christmas is a very emotional time for us who have lost loved ones and only losing my lovely mum 3 weeks ago finding it hard at this time. My mum loved Christmas so in her memory will try and enjoy the one day with my family as best I can but she will constantly be in our thoughts.
     
  12. bereaved

    bereaved Registered User

    Apr 19, 2017
    20
    I am so sorry for your loss and so hard especially at this time. Take care of yourself and sending you a huge hug.
     
  13. bereaved

    bereaved Registered User

    Apr 19, 2017
    20
    I agree with you, Christmas and special occasions are very hard when the person is no longer here. Take special care of yourself.
     
  14. Scouts girl

    Scouts girl Registered User

    Jan 18, 2017
    308
    Sending hugs back to you and everyone who has lost loved ones especially at this time of year.
     
  15. bereaved

    bereaved Registered User

    Apr 19, 2017
    20
    One year on the 3rd April since my special friend passed away. It really does not seem possible that it is almost one year ago I suppose it is because I miss him each day. I have now set up a memorial education fund in his name and know that he would certainly approve of this. The fund will help children to have an education in countries where the need is most. My friend did not have any children of his own but nevertheless loved all children and was always responding to appeals that were advertised on the TV.
    I still find it difficult and miss him each day but think from what other people have said on this site I am not alone in this.
     

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