• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can access this area by going to the Health and wellbeing forum >here< or you can directly access the area >here<.

Loss of my husband

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,002
Colchester
Just wanted to say that i am not coping very well with the loss of my husband 6 months ago. When does this pain and unhappiness go away. Christmas is making everything so much worse. The rest of the family seem to be just carrying on as normal. I wish I could just hibernate.I just go through the motions everyday. I want to be with him just one last time. Just to be able to say I love you. Sorry I know that most of you are going through the dementia journey. Please give the person you love a cuddle from me. I hope to feel better next year. Sorry. Just needed to say it to people that understand.xxxx
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
2,987
West Hertfordshire
I cannot Imagine what you feel, it must be so hard.

((( Hug from Me)))

Do whatever you need to this christmas, just keep breathing in and out- it will soon be over xx
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
800
Pratteln Switzerland
Dear Casbow.....so sorry to hear of your sadness. It is difficult to carry on with life. 6 months is not a long time, grief takes time. I will hug my Nick and remember you today. Take care.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,359
Just wanted to say that i am not coping very well with the loss of my husband 6 months ago. When does this pain and unhappiness go away. Christmas is making everything so much worse. The rest of the family seem to be just carrying on as normal. I wish I could just hibernate.I just go through the motions everyday. I want to be with him just one last time. Just to be able to say I love you. Sorry I know that most of you are going through the dementia journey. Please give the person you love a cuddle from me. I hope to feel better next year. Sorry. Just needed to say it to people that understand.xxxx
Me too, sweetheart, six months for me too. Yes, Christmas is making it worse! Everyone seems to make a point of asking what I am doing for Christmas. All fellow feeling to you, I would like to hibernate too. Kindredxxxx
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Grief is always difficult. When you have lost a partner... well very difficult. And holidays make it worse I think. I’m not sure grief ever goes away, it just becomes less sharp. You don’t need anyone to tell you that 6 months is nothing. You just get through each day and hopefully it becomes a little less distressing.

I am so very sorry.
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
430
Mid Lincs
My heart gose out to you casbow. My sister is going through the same thing, 9mths for her. This time of year is when the anniversaries happen in her life, birthdays, wedding, memories of parties past.,
It is so sad to witness. All I can say is do what you want, if you want company good, if you want peace and quite then so be it. Take life at your pace and be kind to yourself.

Bless you.
 

cuppatea

Registered User
Oct 28, 2016
417
South Wales
Oh Casbow that's so poignant. You were so strong for him fighting every day to ease his life. Hope you can find some peace in your memories of happier times. A lesson for us all to cherish what we have xxxx
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
60,928
68
Dundee
I know that this time of year makes everything even harder @Casbow. Grief is such an individual thing and my experience is that it doesn’t go away but gets less sharp, with some unexpected peaks which hiit when you least expect it. I’m glad you shared here where you know that people will understand. I hope that it helps a little. Wishing you strength.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,638
Kent
There is no need for you to join in with Christmas @Casbow, you can opt out if it`s too much for you.

In the `olden` days, people were allowed to hibernate and grieve in peace, without being expected to carry on regardless or recover in a set time.

I do believe we can be selfish after loss and listen to our bodies, our hearts and our minds. Death of a partner is a trauma and the thought of any act of celebration puts undue pressure on any of us.

Those of us who have been able to cope quite well as carers may be shocked to realise we are not coping as well with loss.

It`s probably because only after loss do we have time for ourselves and really after caring for others for so long can we start to learn to care for ourselves as well.
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,002
Colchester
There is no need for you to join in with Christmas @Casbow, you can opt out if it`s too much for you.

In the `olden` days, people were allowed to hibernate and grieve in peace, without being expected to carry on regardless or recover in a set time.

I do believe we can be selfish after loss and listen to our bodies, our hearts and our minds. Death of a partner is a trauma and the thought of any act of celebration puts undue pressure on any of us.

Those of us who have been able to cope quite well as carers may be shocked to realise we are not coping as well with loss.

It`s probably because only after loss do we have time for ourselves and really after caring for others for so long can we start to learn to care for ourselves as well.
Very wise words Grannie G. You have been a constant help in this awful Dementia journey.
I am feeling so awful at the moment but I hope when christmas is over and the days get lighter that things might improve. I keep thinking back on the whole of that time and mostly remember the bad bits and blame myself for not getting it right. I hope you are well and thank you for being there.xx
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,002
Colchester
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has written a reply on my post. I appreciate your kindness. I wish you all a good Christmas if thats possible. If not I wish you peace and strength to carry-on. My love to you all.x
 

Jennyc

Registered User
Oct 3, 2011
73
Kent
Dear Casbow, I have been reading your thread and I think I can understand how hard it is, and how long it takes, to get over the death of someone you have loved and cared for for so long. My husband died on March 25th 2017, two and three quarter years ago, after 7 or so years of me caring for him with with Alzheimer’s. I began to think I would never be free of sadness and not knowing what was the purpose of my life, even though it had not been the most ideal of marriages. I was taken aback at how hard his death and the absence of my need to care for him made my life feel without point. It’s taken what seems a long, long time to find a reason for still being alive. I tried so many things, counselling, groups, mindfulness, exercise, all considered helpful things but which seemed not to make any difference. I joined a community choir last January, nearly a year ago. That really helped, it is fun to sing, even if not very well, and there are no auditions, and the friends I have made through it are so healing. I’ve taken up yoga with a lovely, gentle teacher, and another company of understanding people, many with their own problems. I’ve been volunteering in our local community shop meeting different people and slowly working my way back into life. Old friends, and loving family, and walking, and making sure I go out each day, and and the passing of time, have all added together to help me make sense of things. I think the passing of time, and lots of thinking back over old times and making the effort to let go of the frustrations and sometimes anger of living and looking after someone through such difficult circumstances, are the salves and healing potions that eventually make things better. There is no way to rush it, but I do so hope that you too will find peace with the passing of time. This year I think I will find some joy in Christmas, and then the Spring. I hope that time and good friends will bring you the healing and peace you need.