Loss of Confidence After Givibg Up Work To Care

scousemouse9536

Registered User
Oct 29, 2013
28
0
Hi All

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced my situation and I'd be interested to hear how others have coped.

I gave up work two years ago when my mum was diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's. At the time I was working full time and had been doing so for over thirty years. When my mum was diagnosed I was advised by the Psychiatrist that I needed to monitor her closely especially around meal times. I was struggling to work full time especially as I had a very unsupportive manager who made my life hell and so after thinking long and hard about it, I decided to give up to care full time. Over the last two years my mum has changed and is getting worse but it's a very slow change. No doubt she will deteriorate as time goes on and will need more and more help but it's developing a lot slower than I was led to believe.

I've been thinking recently about returning to work on a very part time basis, as I'd still like my caring role to be my main focus and I want to keep my carer's allowance but I've found my confidence has taken a real knock during this time. It's really hard to find a few hours a week but I have managed to secure two interviews recently but I've withdrawn my application at the last minute as I've basically 'chickened' out. That sounds awful at 52 years of age but it's partly because I feel like I've lost touch with the working world, partly because I dread being chained to a desk again and partly because I'm fearful that as soon as I'm in to a new job, my mum will take a nose dive and I'll be thrown in to a crisis again.

Has anyone been through this? How did you build your confidence back up? Has anyone gone through a career change that's made life a lot easier, any ideas on very part time work? I can earn £110 a week I believe when claiming carer's allowance.

Any advice? Please help, I'm starting to feel very useless xx
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
I've given up my job about 18 months ago as like with you, management was unsympathetic. I'm younger than you. Unlike you I haven't felt the urge yet to join the rat race again. I'm too busy with caring and filling my time with carer cafes, forums, workshops and other meetings. I also know I don't want to go back to a mindless private sector job ever again. If I did some part time hours, I would probably try to use my considerable admin skills with organisations that help people with dementia. That's just me but I know that not many businesses out there really understand what it's like to be a carer and how to support their workforce appropriately. So I know why you feel insecure but you must do what you feel is right. We carers have a lot of transferable skills, so never undersell yourself.
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
6,064
0
Salford
You could ease yourself back kin by doing a few hours charity work a week; local charity shops, hospital or RVS spring to mind, it would give you a chance to be around other people without the pressure of being expected to perform in the way and employee would. Once you get into the swing of things see how you feel about getting a paying job, whether you can cope with caring and another commitment on your time.
K
 

Selinacroft

Registered User
Oct 10, 2015
936
0
Hi Scousemouse
I think I fit the bill. I left my "proper job" about 2 and half years ago. Post abdominal hystrectomy , working full time with a long commute in an unsympathetic office environment I was pretty pooped looking after dad as sole carer as well so I was more than happy to be forced into a major rethink.
I left work, claimed carers allowance and went from being chained to a desk and shouted at all day to part time care work with flexible hours and employers that understand the strains of caring . I have only taken advantage of the flexibility a handful of times but know it is there if I need it. I could never have imagined myself doing such a job when I was younger , I'm now 48 so like you have years left before reaching the ever increasing retirement age.
When anything finally happens to Dad which could be tomorrow or could be 5 years away, I haven't the faintest idea what I will do. Part of me is hell bent on never ever returning to office work as I feel that I've already spent 30 years rotting away in an office, but the other bit of me can't envisage full time care work either when I am not doing it for my current reason of fitting in with life style. So the big question is what will I do with the next 15 years? I don't have an answer to that one myself but I could recommend caring as part time flexible low stress employment to go alongside home care. I realise many people will shudder at the thought of doing any more care than they already do at home but it comes with advantages, a change of face, helping someone else rather than your own caree, being involved in the outside world, an income, flexibility, educational for caring etc
 
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arielsmelody

Registered User
Jul 16, 2015
515
0
I'm in a different situation because I left full time work about 16 years ago to work freelance from home while bringing up a family. I did think about going back to an employed job recently, but it is quite a challenge. One problem is lack of confidence in working outside the house, and another is references - the companies I worked for have been taken over. I would really recommend making the effort to work part-time or volunteer just so that you don't lose that bit of time outside the house and connecting with the outside world.
 

jknight

Registered User
Oct 23, 2015
807
0
Hampshire
The one piece of advice I can give is, do a job that pays the bills and then enjoy life!! My husband and I had good careers in stressful environments (IT for me, charity for him) We both took redundancy and now both work, part time, in a garden centre! Our quality of life has improved a hundredfold and we are so happy (and we have more time for my mum with Alzheimer's) xxx
 

Cathy62

Registered User
Oct 10, 2015
13
0
Hi Scousemouse,
Your situation is exactly the same as mine. I worked for 34 years with the Inland Revenue, and was made redundant at the same time as mum was diagnosed. It initially worked perfectly for me but as with your situation mum (thankfully) has a slow decline. She certainly needs me there each day as she is also disabled so finds everyday chores and personal care a struggle so I am busy and I enjoy the time I have with her, but like you, I have no confidence, and feel quite lonely. I live 10 miles away from former work colleagues & due to mum being overweight & disabled I am unable to get her out of the house ( I don't drive & can't push mum in her wheelchair due to her size) I wonder if this is 'it' for me ... I can't imagine EVER having the ability to go for an interview in the future. I have no conversation and I know I'm really boring to be with these days. It appears that dementia often takes the lives of the carer as well as the sufferers, horrid disease.
 

jorgieporgie

Registered User
Mar 2, 2016
1,982
0
YORKSHIRE
Hi Scousemouse,
Yes I have lost my confidence too. Left work to look after Mum but in the meantime got divorced as well. My fear is what to do when Mum passes on I am 56 so still a few more years to go before retirement. Tomorrow is another day and I'm sure something will turn out it always dose. Keep smiling xxx
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
Hi Scousemouse,
Your situation is exactly the same as mine. I worked for 34 years with the Inland Revenue, and was made redundant at the same time as mum was diagnosed. It initially worked perfectly for me but as with your situation mum (thankfully) has a slow decline. She certainly needs me there each day as she is also disabled so finds everyday chores and personal care a struggle so I am busy and I enjoy the time I have with her, but like you, I have no confidence, and feel quite lonely. I live 10 miles away from former work colleagues & due to mum being overweight & disabled I am unable to get her out of the house ( I don't drive & can't push mum in her wheelchair due to her size) I wonder if this is 'it' for me ... I can't imagine EVER having the ability to go for an interview in the future. I have no conversation and I know I'm really boring to be with these days. It appears that dementia often takes the lives of the carer as well as the sufferers, horrid disease.

Do you have help coming in to let you go shopping, get hair cut, go to eg an exercise class? I hope so Cathy because it is really bad for you to have no one to talk to but an invalid with dementia. When my husband voluntarily made himself responsible for his handicapped sister who cannot speak or hear he spent most of the week with her. In a matter of weeks, months at most a year I saw a steady decline in his ability to socialise. Just as you describe he had no conversation or knowledge of the wider world. I believe this is when his Alzheimers began to reveal itself. Lack of stimulation socially is not good for any of us.
 

Dustycat

Registered User
Jul 14, 2014
215
0
North East
I am 52 and I gave up a full time £40k career 3 years ago when my parents 'hit the buffers' with dementia. I took 2 months off then worked part time 2 days per week. I have now upped my hours to 3 days per week. I do a job 4 grades lower than my full time job.

It's a double edged sword. I am much less stressed work wise and have a better work/life balance but part of me does feel a bit resentful that I had to give up a good career when I felt I had much more to give.

Think carefully and do what's best for you. X
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,804
0
Ireland
Hi All

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced my situation and I'd be interested to hear how others have coped.

I gave up work two years ago when my mum was diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's. At the time I was working full time and had been doing so for over thirty years. When my mum was diagnosed I was advised by the Psychiatrist that I needed to monitor her closely especially around meal times. I was struggling to work full time especially as I had a very unsupportive manager who made my life hell and so after thinking long and hard about it, I decided to give up to care full time. Over the last two years my mum has changed and is getting worse but it's a very slow change. No doubt she will deteriorate as time goes on and will need more and more help but it's developing a lot slower than I was led to believe.

I've been thinking recently about returning to work on a very part time basis, as I'd still like my caring role to be my main focus and I want to keep my carer's allowance but I've found my confidence has taken a real knock during this time. It's really hard to find a few hours a week but I have managed to secure two interviews recently but I've withdrawn my application at the last minute as I've basically 'chickened' out. That sounds awful at 52 years of age but it's partly because I feel like I've lost touch with the working world, partly because I dread being chained to a desk again and partly because I'm fearful that as soon as I'm in to a new job, my mum will take a nose dive and I'll be thrown in to a crisis again.

Has anyone been through this? How did you build your confidence back up? Has anyone gone through a career change that's made life a lot easier, any ideas on very part time work? I can earn £110 a week I believe when claiming carer's allowance.

Any advice? Please help, I'm starting to feel very useless xx


My advice is go for it! You have not lost touch with the working world. Find something you would like to do part time, get out the interview clothes, apply and go for it.

Lots of support going your way.

Aisling
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
To be honest, I think there's a lot more to the loss of confidence that comes with caring full time for a family member (rather than paid caring work, which I do part time) than the being out of the workforce, loss of contact with that world etc. I've never come across a carer that didn't experience it, and have been thinking (now that I'm no longer caring for my husband, who died last year) why. And after years of caring, I found this lack of confidence doesn't just affect access to work. It seeps, gradually, into everything.

I think it stems from a number of things. The gradual shrinking of our world - lack of support meant that I, for years, never went more than 10 miles from home, just to our local town, and almost always accompanied by my husband, because I couldn't leave him. Having him along limited where I could go, even there, and what I could do. Friends fell away - no-one visited because of my husband's lack of conversation (lack of visitors didn't help his lack of conversation any!). In "normal" life, we are creatures of reason and logic. Our conversations are built on reason - I ask a question, you apply reason and logic to understand my question and formulate an answer. We don't even know we are doing it. With my husband, over the years, there was no reason or logic. Gradually, I had to learn not to ask open ended questions, then not to ask questions at all - his responses would not relate to what I asked. Sometimes they would just be babbling. But my brain is hard-wired to reason and logic. It does something to your confidence when you try and talk, even very simply, to your only companion, and you get back something that your brain cannot process.

It also saps your confidence I think when you are doing your absolute best to care for a person - with personal care, up during the night, trying to provide stimulation, activities etc., and you get nothing in return but abuse, disinterest and being ignored. In your head, you know it's the illness, not the person- you know this. But nonetheless, it does sap your confidence.

It's taking time to rebuild it too, I can tell you! :D
 

mancmum

Registered User
Feb 6, 2012
404
0
I identify a lot with this conversation

Some of the words written here are truer than many of the trite guides I have seen to being a carer. That concept of your world closing in and closing down is so true. My husbands career has reached a zenith - mirroring my decline from the world of work. I was glad to leave the job I was in ..it had reached its sell by date ..but that gradual chipping away at the edges of your world is so true.

I think scousemouse actually deserves a medal for putting this out into the public arena.

I have tried to combat this sensation by make sure I do different things that we have never done before when I have time off and can go out with my husband. E.g. getting off at a different railway station, going to a different suburb of Manchester. We go without any expectations and see what happens.

I do some mystery shopping. In reality about once every two or three months and I could say that is work.
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,952
0
Maybe it would help to break down the "loss of confidence" thing into its constituent parts and tackle each small problem separately?

For example, loss of social confidence when dealing with strangers ... That could perhaps be worked on by joining a local walking for health group (normally full of chatty, friendly people) and playing interested listener?
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
0
Surrey, UK
Scousemouse, I think you are very brave to articulate so clearly an issue that I'm sure many carers will relate to. I certainly do!

I can tell you a bit about myself, and what I'm doing to scrabble back out of this hole of desperation and retrieve some sense of self-worth again.

My story is that I had 30+ years working reasonably successfully, mostly in finance roles. My last job was a fixed term contract, providing maternity cover, which came to an end almost a year ago. During the last 2 months of my contract, I asked to reduce my working hours to 3 days per week, as my parents-in-law, both with dementia, needed increasing amounts of care. That was the death knell of my relationship with that organisation, in spite of glowing reports from appraisals etc. I later found out that until I made that fateful request, they were looking to keep me on. From my point of view it was very frustrating, as I had hoped to get that elusive 'work-life balance' of some paid work alongside my caring responsibilities. I guess from their point of view, they wanted someone they could rely on to be there during all the main working hours.

Some time later, I applied to the same organisation for a much lower paid role. I attended the interview, only to be told that I "didn't meet the requirements of the job".:eek::mad:

Fast forward a year, and I've only had one paid job in that time, as a care worker. I lasted 2 weeks in the job before I was asked to leave for 2 disciplinary reasons. First time, I had a disagreement with my line manager about something that I felt was an over-reaction on her part. Second time, it was for failing to fulfil the requirements of a call, but there was no-one available to support me at that time (it was a Sunday call). Both times, I felt I had sound and valid reasons to support my actions, but felt I had no right to be heard. There is no union representation in this industry. This was after a previously unblemished record, so yes, my confidence has been well and truly annihilated in the past year!

Now, my situation has changed again, as my father-in-law died earlier this week. My mother-in-law will require ongoing support, but at least she is in reasonably good physical health, so I will without doubt have some more free time. I have decided to take on two voluntary roles. One role is for the Alzheimer's Society in my local community, where I hope to take part in their 'side-by-side' project. I feel that I've gained a wealth of experience in helping my in-laws through the process of getting support for diagnosing, treating and managing their dementia, and I'd really like to help others in a similar situation. Another role is for my local Age Concern office, acting as a befriender and driver for people in my community. I think I will gain a great deal of satisfaction from helping people. I also think it will help to boost my sagging confidence, and who knows, it may even help to boost my CV and lead to a paid role in what could be a satisfying and rewarding career change!
 

scousemouse9536

Registered User
Oct 29, 2013
28
0
Thanks

Thanks to everyone for all of their comments, it sounds as if it's a common problem. I think for me part of the problem is that I already felt isolated before my mum was diagnosed as I'd moved from up north down south to be with a new partner and struggled to make new friends. I went from working really hard but in a really sociable environment, work had lots of nights out and everyone mixed in together, management and workers alike and I had a great social life outside work too so I'd be out 4-5 nights a week doing various things. The new life is the complete opposite, in eight years I've not worked anywhere that socialises outside work, everyone keeps themselves to themselves and trying to make friends outside work has been like pulling teeth. I have a small circle of friends now but these days I'm lucky to have a night out with friends once every couple of months. Most of the time I only talk to my partner or mum and it drives me nuts.

I don't lack confidence socially, I'm a scouser and we'll talk to anyone and I love nothing better than a good natter but it's the work thing I worry about. Many on here have spoken about how unsupportive work can be and I think part of me worries that I'll get stuck in an office where I'll struggle to get the morning off to take my mum for an appointment. At least now I'm free to do that when I choose but I just feel so bored. In the past I've tried volunteering, firstly with Age UK, I completed their training very quickly because I've got time on my hands but I was never asked to do anything for them. I reminded them many times that I was free but nothing materialised so I withdrew, not surprisingly not long after they lost their contract for the Memory Service. I've applied a couple of times to the Alzheimer's Society and haven't even had a reply and yet when I go to Carers support groups, I hear they're desperate for volunteers. It's very frustrating. That said I think it's probably a good idea to try and get in to volunteering as it does seem to be a way of easing myself back in.

I'm sure others feel like me but sometimes I feel as if I'm stuck in a fog and I hate not knowing where I'm going. Alzheimer's is such an odd illness and there seems to be no fixed pattern to it. I could be caring for the next six months, it could be for another 10 years when I'll be not far off retiring myself. I know my mum is having a tough time with her illness and some may wonder what I have to moan about but someone here commented that they feel as if Alzheimer's has robbed them of their future too and I totally understand that.

Some have commented that I should take up some sort of hobby, join the gym etc. but I'm trying to watch the pennies. Anyone who receives Carers allowance will know it's not a King's Ransom and most of the time I'm finding myself living off savings that are meant for my old age so I don't want to dip in to the pot too much and I live in an expensive area where there is very little that is free or cheap, for example a short painting course can cost £250, so I'm really limited.

I don't really know what the answer is. Some say I'm in a really privileged position being able to spend time with my mum with I suppose I just have to take that as a positive.
 

scousemouse9536

Registered User
Oct 29, 2013
28
0
Confidence

Hi Tammy5

Thanks for the reply. Can I ask, did you inform the Benefits Agency when you took up your new job? Was there any problem with that or was it just a quick phone call to them/form to fill in? That's probably something else that concerns me, being pushed in yo more hours and finding I've gone over £110 and messing up the Carers allowance, which I want to keep. Finding something with so few hours or a lower hourly rate to bring you in under £110 is so hard. You're really lucky to have found something like that. I hope it works out well for you. Good luck!

Hi!! I was lucky enough to get a part time admin job that I would pick my days and work from home. Unfortunately it wasn't the admin job I took on quickly it became a management role and after a year I decided to hand in my notice as I couldn't cope with the boys and mum and the pressure. Now I have applied for a kitchen job at the school. The pay would be just under the £110 you can earn with the carers allowance and have the holidays off too. Not very glam but I hope will suit my needs. They would have to be flexible for mums appointments too. Just an idea! Good luck xx
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hi Tammy5

Thanks for the reply. Can I ask, did you inform the Benefits Agency when you took up your new job? Was there any problem with that or was it just a quick phone call to them/form to fill in? That's probably something else that concerns me, being pushed in yo more hours and finding I've gone over £110 and messing up the Carers allowance, which I want to keep. Finding something with so few hours or a lower hourly rate to bring you in under £110 is so hard. You're really lucky to have found something like that. I hope it works out well for you. Good luck!

If you find that your earning are just over the £110 mark, there is a good way to overcome this. One of the things that is a legitimate deduction is 50% of any money paid into a pension. So - if you earn £120 a week, then by putting £21 into a private pension, the DWP will deduct £10.50 and bingo! the amount that they consider that you have earned is £109.50 and you will get your Carers Allowance. You also get a bit towards a private pension - not much, but better than a poke in the eye!