Loss - a year on

[Lancshiker]

I lost my Dad to dementia a year ago and we're a bit of buttoned up family in terms of feelings etc etc. My mother particularly frowns upon any sort of emotional expression about it. All through the end of Dad's life and the funeral, I never cried. I'd spent the 12 months leading up to Dad passing away dealing with hospitals and care homes and basically firefighting but I've felt worried at the time that I didn't feel enough emotion to cry at his funeral. I felt that made me a bit of an unfeeling cow and it worries me.

I am currently under the care of a doctor for acute gastro problems which worsened since Dad died and I feel horrible pretty much all of the time. I feel it much be related to Dad leaving us but I don't know how to deal with it. I miss him terribly but I can't get it out of me. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[DMac]

I lost my Dad to dementia a year ago and we're a bit of buttoned up family in terms of feelings etc etc. My mother particularly frowns upon any sort of emotional expression about it. All through the end of Dad's life and the funeral, I never cried. I'd spent the 12 months leading up to Dad passing away dealing with hospitals and care homes and basically firefighting but I've felt worried at the time that I didn't feel enough emotion to cry at his funeral. I felt that made me a bit of an unfeeling cow and it worries me.

I am currently under the care of a doctor for acute gastro problems which worsened since Dad died and I feel horrible pretty much all of the time. I feel it much be related to Dad leaving us but I don't know how to deal with it. I miss him terribly but I can't get it out of me. Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes, absolutely. I lost my mum to cancer nearly 30 years ago. She was just 52 and I was 25 and all alone in the world (Mum had been long time divorced, so no dad around, and no siblings either). Like you, I was on firefighting mode for a very long time. During her funeral, I smiled, I even laughed at a joke my cousin cracked, and was calm and courteous towards all the guests. I did cry eventually, sometimes years later, but at odd and surprising moments. Grief can do that to you. Strangely enough, ever since Mum died I haven't cried very often. I am much more likely to get angry at things. Then I have to take myself off on a long walk to calm down. But the point I'm making is that there is no right or wrong way to feel your grief. Don't worry about the grief not expressing itself right now. Just be kind to yourself and allow it to happen in its own time...it will.

It would be tempting to make the link between your gastro problems and your (perceived) bottling up of your grief... but that would be jumping to conclusions. However, it can't hurt to tell this to the doctor, if you haven't already. I'm not an expert, but perhaps there is a talking therapy out there that can help you.

Wishing you well, and much kindness to yourself.

Take care. xxx