Losing my temper

fearful fiona

Registered User
Apr 19, 2007
723
0
77
London
Dear Bruce and Skye,

You are so right - I was so wrong to suggest an angry thread, can't imagine what got into me. Thanks for putting me in my place. And of course, the whole of TP is brilliant anyway when it all gets too much. Incidentally, if I have had a really bad day and need to work it all out of the system, I have found thumping a cushion (when no-one's around) really therapeutic, doesn't hurt anyone although my teddy bear does look at me rather disapprovingly....

This thread and the whole of TP has been so helpful in helping me feel less alone with the whole thing.

Much love
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
fearful fiona said:
Thanks for putting me in my place.

No, Fifi, not putting you in your place!:)

Bruce and I have both seen what can happen on TP when tempers get heated, and honestly, it makes it an unpleasant place for everyone.

Feel free to express yourself whenever you need to, so long as you're not attacking other members. We'll listen, and try to help.

Love and hugs,

(and give teddy a hug from me)
 

Jodilynn0303

Registered User
Jun 26, 2007
11
0
Leicestershire
Situation update:
Well yesterday was the worst of all days. Harry cursed at me for being on the phone and it escalated from there... he pushed me etc. I broke down and told my hubby's family I need a break. I dont have the Uncle on Fridays so I asked for today off so I could wind down for a few days before monday comes and I have him all over again. Well no such help. The lady he lives with (my husbands mom Carol) she is in the hospital with a bad back so obviously cannot do anything and I have not told her the issues as I don't want her to stress while in hospital. My husband has to work, Carol's hubby has to work until 7p.m. Harry's other nephew (Carol's brother) wouldnt do it not even for 30pounds as he said Harry hates him and he dislikes Harry. And my last hope... My hubby's sister. She is 9mos. pregnant and has a son but Harry listens to her. Also her hubby is not working currently so I was hoping for a any kind of break. Even if for a few hours yesterday. But she said it is too much with her getting ready to have a baby etc. So... my husband has loaded the uncle down with many notes telling him no cursing, no hitting the dog (Yesterday he picked my 4lb yorkshire terrier up by the neck and threw her down on my sons toy castle.) I was irate. I put the dog in the kitchen locked up the rest of the day so he wouldnt hurt her but anyway... he has notes. He seems to know he has been the way he has been. I told him the only time he is good to me is when my hubby is home and he said Yes i know! And laughed. If he was out of control like he makes out... then how would he know to be good today and NOT curse and stuff. He keeps saying.. I dont want Max (My husband) to tell me off. So he knows.
Last night I was so distraught at the idea of having him back today and without any help I was telling my hubby what should we do... I was physically sick with worrying about it. It has caused issues with my hubby he said I need to shut up about it .. it is all I talk about at night and he can't cope anymore :-(
What do I do now? He is the only one I had to talk to as my family is 3000 miles away in the USA. He has been really supportive but is now at his breaking point so now I just have to cope and deal with it all best I can and I will just tell him all is fine. I can't deal with marital problems because of this on top of it all.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,455
0
Kent
Jilly88 said:
'I was doing a great job with her and she seems to be not too bad!'

Dear Jilly,

As long as the services know you are there to look after your aunt, they will allow her to call the shots.

While she was in there, apparently she created mayhem with her screaming, horrible habits which I will leave to your imagination and reluctance to mix with people, or wash or have her hair washed etc etc

So they have seen the type of behaviour you are expected to cope with, even if she can `behave` when she sees the doctor.

Can I suggest you get as much in writing from the neighbours as possible, keep a diary of incidents, and tell the doctor and SS that unless you get help, you will refuse to take any further responsibility for your aunt.
 

Cate

Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
1,370
0
Newport, Gwent
Hi Jodilynn

Well yesterday was the worst of all days. Harry cursed at me for being on the phone and it escalated from there... he pushed me etc

Sorry Jodilynn, but in my view, violence is violence, and is not acceptable; a push today could turn into something else tomorrow.

(Yesterday he picked my 4lb yorkshire terrier up by the neck and threw her down on my sons toy castle.)

No, this should not be happening.

I was physically sick with worrying about it. It has caused issues with my hubby he said I need to shut up about it .. it is all I talk about at night and he can't cope anymore

I am sorry if I am speaking out of term, but ‘he cannot cope anymore’, words do fail me.

I think in your shoes I would be asking for a family meeting, and pronto. Clearly you are at the end of your tether with this situation, and it cannot continue. You should make ‘his family’ aware that you cannot cope without help, support and a regular break. If this makes you ill, then what? There is one thing that is sure, this isn’t going to get any better, and quite honestly, it could get a whole lot worse.

Sadly there will be little or no reasoning with Uncle, and even if there is, it maybe only in the short term, as in the next hour, or less, all agreements with him to tone down his aggression both verbal and physical could be gone from his memory.

The lady he lives with, I totally understand you do not wish to upset her whilst she is in hospital, but are you aware of what he is like with her, is he fine, or is she just not saying that this is the sort of behaviour she has to contend with? If it is, then clearly she is going to need help when he returns to her.

I totally feel for you, please do you very best to make the family understand, otherwise you are putting your own health at risk.

Cate
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
0
london
I do feel for you i really don't know how you put up with it .



I told him the only time he is good to me is when my hubby is home and he said Yes i know! And laughed. If he was out of control like he makes out... then how would he know to be good today and NOT curse and stuff. He keeps saying I dont want Max (My husband) to tell me off. So he knows.

That sounds like when a mother has lost all control in how to discipline a child , and say wait till your father come home, but your not dealing with a child and just can't discipline him , so his running rings around you . his a full grown man who is stronger them you , you do sound very venerably .

I feel people with dementia do show have symptoms of child like behavior

just don't argue back , laugh smile, pretend , because other wise your wind him up and you may get hurt .

I only say laugh , smile , pretend in a way to cope , seeing that your not seeking outside help as in social service.
 
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Jodilynn0303

Registered User
Jun 26, 2007
11
0
Leicestershire
I guess he argues with his main carer also the lady he lives with. Sometimes when she drops him off (before she went into hospital) she would be in tears as he had fought with her. By fighting I mean cursing, screaming and trying to push his way out of the house and onto any bus that passes. He has lived with her for 40 years so I guess she is used to it? She works full time normally so she mainly only has to worry about him now in evenings and on weekends. He cried last night and begged me to give him another chance not to let him get put into a home. So I am just stuck really. Torn. I really really appreciate all of you so much and that this site is available. I dont have anyone else to talk to really... so thanks. Thanks for letting me vent. I am taking it all one day at a time until the family is back to normal and can give me a much needed break.
 

Jodilynn0303

Registered User
Jun 26, 2007
11
0
Leicestershire
[Sorry Jodilynn, but in my view, violence is violence, and is not acceptable; a push today could turn into something else tomorrow.]

I know... I find myself hiding the knives and stuff. I feel like I am overreacting though... I think it may be my lack of patience now that winds him up and gets him going. Which is why I have to take on a whole new approach to it all in order to get through it.


[I think in your shoes I would be asking for a family meeting, and pronto. Clearly you are at the end of your tether with this situation, and it cannot continue. You should make ‘his family’ aware that you cannot cope without help, support and a regular break. If this makes you ill, then what? There is one thing that is sure, this isn’t going to get any better, and quite honestly, it could get a whole lot worse.]

I tried for that yesterday... I told my hubby's sister she had to come and get him immediately as he was being aggressive and such in front of my son. She replied with well she can't help as she doesn't know when she will go into labor. That is the only person I can call apart from my husband. It is a small family and Harry's other family (brothers) wont have anything to do with him. I dont know why. I guess he has always been a bit moody and such. I have only known him a few years since I met my hubby.

[I totally feel for you, please do you very best to make the family understand, otherwise you are putting your own health at risk.]

I'm trying... believe me. I feel a bit like they think I am overreacting. I told my husband I am going to set up a video camera in my house and leave it on all day so he can see that I am serious. On one hand he says he believes me and on the other he tells Harry he knows that he doesn't mean to do anything wrong he doesn't know what he is doing.

Cate[/QUOTE]
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,455
0
Kent
Jodi, you are being abused by this man and your family is allowing it to happen.

I understand the position you are in re this situation causing marital problems too, you are in no position to cope with that as well.

I`m afraid if this `uncle` continues to be so abusive, I would go out of the house and leave him by himself for a couple of hours. Perhaps leaving him to himself will calm him down.

If he can control his behaviour for your husband he can control it for you. I don`t think you are letting the family down, I think the family is letting you down.

Sorry if I`ve been too frank but You really shouldn`t have to put up with this behaviour from anyone.
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
0
london
What do I do now? He is the only one I had to talk to as my family is 3000 miles away in the USA. He has been really supportive but is now at his breaking point so now I just have to cope and deal with it all best I can and I will just tell him all is fine. I can't deal with marital problems because of this on top of it al

sorry i can't understand you saying your husband been really supportive , when its you supporting a member of his close family.

What do I do now?

what you can do is rant away on TP at anytime of the day , night. phone samaritans if you want to hear a voice , they good at just listening , if you don't want advice , just a someone with a voice that will listen , so you don't have to keep it all in .
 
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Jodilynn0303

Registered User
Jun 26, 2007
11
0
Leicestershire
[Jodi, you are being abused by this man and your family is allowing it to happen.]

Yes I guess so... Today however, since he is afraid he is on his last chance he has been really quiet. Odd really. As it took 3 days of fights for him to get it out of his system and a telling off from my hubby. So far so good today.

I did tell my hubby's family that I am not allowing violence in my home any longer with my child here. My son doesn't want Harry back he said he tries to fight his mommy :-( (he means by arguing) Harry has never hit or anything like that.

[I`m afraid if this `uncle` continues to be so abusive, I would go out of the house and leave him by himself for a couple of hours. Perhaps leaving him to himself will calm him down.]

Yes have thought of that... though am afraid the house will end up on fire or something. Who knows what could happen.



[If he can control his behaviour for your husband he can control it for you. I don`t think you are letting the family down, I think the family is letting you down.

Sorry if I`ve been too frank but You really shouldn`t have to put up with this behaviour from anyone.]

No don't be sorry I appreciate the understanding. It is nice to have people on my side. x
 

germain

Registered User
Jul 7, 2007
342
0
Oh - this has got me so cross for you.

Jodilynn - what would happen if YOU had a breakdown because of this or if you were injured ? Who would look after him then ?

I'm possibly being really hard here but I think you are being used - no-one should have to put up with this without proper support and you have all my sympathies etc

Would it be so horrible just to announce at the family meeting (if you can get them to come) that you WILL be having a break and they'll just have to get on with it - comments re people at work etc - can't they take a couple of days off to let you have a break ?
Thinking of you. And to go further and think the unthinkable - I know he maybe doesn't realise what he's doing but assault is assault - you would get a break if you had him arrested and sectioned for a few days.

Germain
 

Lizzie K

Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
18
0
East Midlands
Lizzie K

Since my father in law got dementia it has been proved to him time and time again that I am really as stupid as he has always thought I was!

As an 80 year old ex miner his views of women are somewhat tainted to put it politely. He quite happily tells me that I don't know what I am talking about or insists that I have not let him know something when I have actually told him many times. He shakes his head, smiles at me patronisingly and I just want to throttle him!!!!

Walk outside, count to ten, start again. Thats all you can do. We all go there, we are all human. Take care. Lizzie K
 

Daisy123

Registered User
Jul 15, 2007
10
0
village nr Swansea
Jodie, I have probably missed it somewhere, but who has "uncle" the rest of the time, when his sister is in hospital? Can you not refuse point blank to have him in on Monday, I wouldn't mind betting that whoever has him before you gets something done pretty quick.

I haven't been on here long so sorry if I upset anybody but Jodie, her little boy and the dog, deserve better
 

DickG

Registered User
Feb 26, 2006
558
0
88
Stow-on-the-Wold
I am at the ragged edge so often every day the wonder is that I so rarely topple over. My strategy is to clamp my earphones on and listen to some soothing music and pretend that I am very busy doing essential work on the computer. This usually works but it does require enormous effort.

Yes we are all in the same boat so if anyone is guilty we all are.

Dick
 

Gill W

Registered User
Jan 31, 2007
190
0
Co. Durham
I have never personally come across this aspect of the disease, but I'd best not speak too soon I think, it might just come back and bite me on the butt.

This would be an intolerable situation for me, one in which I would HATE to find myself.

My solution would be to take uncle on monday, with a clear warning before the previous carer leaves, that under no circumstances will you suffer the behaviour that he usually dishes out. Make it clear to the previous carer that the minute the behaviour starts, you will be picking up your son, walking out of the house, and telephoning social services to inform them that you are not prepared to deal with the behaviour and have left the person on their own in the house, and leave them to deal with the situation as they can. I would ask the previous carer to confirm that they have understood what you have told them, then allow the day to begin.

And the most important thing I would do would be to follow through on the statement. You should NOT have to put up with violence, you have a child yourself, it is very unfair of the other relatives, who are actually flesh and blood, to leave you and your child open to such behaviour. Imagine what would happen if, god forbid, your child was injured during one of these sessions!? The situation you are in leaves you and your child at risk. If they won't listen to you on the grounds that you find it hard, then surely they would appreciate that your child is suffering indirectly too? He is obviously witnessing things to make comments like he has, god bless him, and he shouldn't have to be subjected to it any more than you.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you find a solution. You should not be in this position, and I am willing you to stand up for yourself and create until someone listens to you. Its easier said than done, I know, but you must.

I hope I haven't come across too strong, but I felt my stomach drop when I read how hard this is for you. TP is the best place you could have come, though, so you'll find strength you never knew you had from now on, keep coming in and talking. Everyone will be behind you, willing you on.

Gill
xx
 

DickG

Registered User
Feb 26, 2006
558
0
88
Stow-on-the-Wold
Hi Gill

I understand the way you feel and I often wish to turn away and give the problem to someone else but....

"For better or for worse, in sickness and in health.."

I cannot.

Dick
 

Gill W

Registered User
Jan 31, 2007
190
0
Co. Durham
Dick,

I totally understand that, when you marry you should marry for life, and willingly undertake care of a spouse should illness strike.

But in this case, I felt that the poor lass is being put upon and having to shoulder an awful lot of responsibility for a member of her spouses family, leaving herself vulnerable. If it was violence free, then maybe I wouldn't have reacted so strongly, but it's just my gut reaction.

I don't mean any disrespect to people who do deal with it, just I know that I couldn't. I experienced violence at the hands of a spouse and have an adverse reaction to it I guess.

Of course I wouldn't advocate anyone leave someone who is vulnerable alone, but in the case of violence and desperation, I just think it's how I would react, just to be sure of getting some help from somewhere.

I did read in jodilynn's other thread that they will be departing to america in 6 months, and that the family will be likely to place the patient in a home, as he's so aggressive. I found it hard to read that people could allow someone to struggle to the degree that she is, then look to care homes when she has left. Why on earth can they not support her now and consider that option whilst she is here? Maybe it's just me, I have no desire to offend anyone. Hope I haven't done so. Sometimes my words come out sounding totally different from the way I want them to.

Gill
xx
 
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DickG

Registered User
Feb 26, 2006
558
0
88
Stow-on-the-Wold
Those of us careing for spouses are in a completely different situation from others and I would not in any way suggest that others have the obligation that I have.

Perhaps I should have said more directly what I was thinking - if I did not have this obligation I would walk away. Those of you who do not walk away and are not obligated have my admiration.

Dick
 

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