1. Jodilynn0303

    Jodilynn0303 Registered User

    Jun 26, 2007
    11
    Leicestershire
    Does anyone else do it? I put a thread up yesterday and today hasn't been much better. My great uncle insists on leaving and tries all the doors etc., and argues with me. He gets me so frustrated we end up arguing. I feel horrible after and he forgets 5 mins later and starts again. ARGHHHHHH Am I a horrible person or does anyone else get angry? I feel bad.
     
  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Well you will feel bad, you are not a horrible person, and yes, the vast majority of us have lost it at times. Intellectually knowing it's the disease is no help when the chips are down. Furthermore, as you say, you can have an argument which they subsequently forget, whereupon they'll start another one, while you're still wound up from the first one. You'd have to be an automatom not to have it affect you. I wish I had a solution for you but I don't. Deep breathing and walking away can only help so much.

    Jennifer
     
  3. Jodilynn0303

    Jodilynn0303 Registered User

    Jun 26, 2007
    11
    Leicestershire
    thanks... it's okay if there isnt a solution. Just the understanding is okay. I think I am starting to resent my situation a bit and the guilt isnt helping. I need to dig deep inside myself and be a better person in a tough situation.
     
  4. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    6,630
    London
    hi again Jodilynn

    have you managed to contact anyone to discuss getting some help or see your GP.....

    kindest regards
    Craig
     
  5. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    3,518
    We've all been there I'm afraid. The constant repetitions and challenging behavior would be enough to try the patience of Mother Theresa!

    I believe one of the standard peices of advice to diffuse such situations is to walk out and leave the person alone.

    If, as you say, your g.uncle forgets things five minutes later, then this would be effective.

    It doesn't work in our case because my dad doesn't forget - he remembers things we wish he;d forget and forgets everything he needs to remember. :mad:
     
  6. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    Oh yes!! We can remind my Dad 20 times that he is going to such and such a place, but come the time to go all we get is 'WELL IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE TOLD!!!'

    On the other hand he will never forget who caused him to lose his licence (the Consultant), who slammed his hand in the car boot the other week (my Mum), etc. etc...

    On Sunday he tried to start an argument with me and I just laughed, kissed him and said 'My God you're hard work some times' at which point he surprised me by laughing back, argument forgotten. So that tactic worked then, but next time? Who knows?
     
  7. MillyP

    MillyP Registered User

    Jan 5, 2007
    108
    London
    I have relatives telling us we must be patient with Dad and not to do this, that or the other or say certain things etc....I reply "try living in our shoes for a week or even for a day and see what us carers have to go through and put up with, and then tell us how to do it...I can assure you, you wouldn't be so quick to advise"......:)
     
  8. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    .
    You are not alone with this feeling - so many of us are there with you! That is where TP is a godsend cos we understand and know how you are feeling.

    My husband is wonderful in spite of Alz. but if he does get too difficult I just walk away - a little wander around the garden thinking of everyone else here on TP - then I feel alot better and by then my hubby has forgotten it all.

    Sounds so easy!! - we all know it is not.

    Whatever, please do not feel guilty - you are not alone.
    Thinking about you Beckyjan
     
  9. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    723
    London
    I think the "losing one's temper club" has to have the largest membership ever! If I think I'm going to lose it, I step out into the garden or go into the kitchen. I even had my kitchen redecorated last year because I was spending so much time there! How desperate is that?

    I have a suspicion that all of us on TP have lost our temper at some stage, if anyone hasn't, I'd like to meet them and know their secret.

    You are most definitely not alone.

    Maybe we should have an "angry" thread on TP so we can all have somewhere to let off steam???
     
  10. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    It is normal to lose ones temper when pushed to the limit, as carers are.
    Avoid confrontation,walk away.
    They will have soon forgotten the whole episode so don't feel badly about blowing up .
    I remer Bruce's quote "You cannot reason with the unreasonable"
    Norman
     
  11. Jilly88

    Jilly88 Registered User

    Aug 11, 2006
    39
    Margate, Kent.
    I lost my temper with my aunt the other day. I kept going in to sit with her - to listen to her telling me she was dying (which she's said a million times a day for the last 4 years) and for her to whine on about she's so hard done by... bearing in mind she has me running around after her all day, 20 hours a day, then within a minute she was shouting for me to sit with her again as she was dying. I lost it and shouted that it was pointless! I really shouted!! Then I went out into the garden to cool off, to be followed by my aunt telling me that I was going to burn in hell (usual response) and I was in league with the devil and I was 'mercilessly cruel' etc etc etc. Arghhhhh! I KNOW it's the illness, but I just got to the point where I felt I was going out of my mind! Then she made me feel as if I was mad by saying under her breath, 'What on earth is the matter with the stupid woman?'.

    Really one can't win in these situations, but shouting did me no good at all as I was the one that was stressed out. I apologised later, but she didn't remember anything about it.

    I'm just going to bed at half 2 in the morning as I've had to get up to get her a jug of water. I'm tired and fed up.
    Bye all.
    Love
    Jilly
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,583
    Kent
    I really believe when caring gets anyone to the state of feeling uncaring, it`s time to consider an alternative.

    We all have our moments, of resenrment, anger, overtiredness and feeling unappreciated, but when these feelings become constant, when the person with dementia becomes a thorn in our side, I feel we ahould call a halt.
     
  13. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Definitely not! :eek:

    When a safety valve is needed all sorts of things come out and when posted, others do not always realise the context. Not everyone can rein in their words for a general audience. Offence is easily given and taken, feelings hurt.

    A much better idea.

    Me... I go and make some cakes when something gets to me.:)

    Maybe we need a new thread that suggests different ways of relieving the stress...
     
  14. SharonLyons

    SharonLyons Registered User

    Dec 10, 2006
    32
    Ilford, Essex
    I have just cried my eyes out reading all these posts. I have truly felt I was alone. My mum has dementia although of course as far as she is concerned there is nothing wrong with her, the problem is with me!!! Yes, I have shouted, sworn under my breath, made signs behind her back, you name it!!! And I am usually the most placid person on earth. Now I realise there are thousands of others out there going through the same as me. After 3 years or more, I have finally given in to accepting outside care for my mum twice a day but, she will not accept them. She doesn't let them in - why should she, she can do everything perfectly well for herself! That's why I found her with her back door open, TV on, and her in bed with her pyjamas under her clothes the other night!!! I will definitely be visiting this forum every day from now on. Thank you for all being there.
    Sharon
    P.S. Its all made harder by the fact that occasionally my mum is soooooo grateful for everything I do!!!
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,583
    Kent
    Welcome to TP Sharon.

    I`m glad you`ve found TP too.

    It doesn`t solve your problems, but it does help to know there are so many others in the same position.

    I am not yet able to ask for outside care as I know my husband wouldn`t accept it either. If I brought anyone in, he would walk out of the door, the minute they stepped inside.

    And like your mother, when my husband is in a better frame of mind, he too is so grateful for everything I do.

    Keep posting Sharon. You will be well supported.

    Love xx
     
  16. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Hello Sharon

    Welcome to TP. As you will see from the posts, you are not alone!!

    The loss of reason has to have been the most difficult thing I've had to contend with, with my mum. She has always been fiercely independent and lives on her own. Combine this with her lack of empathy as a result of the illness and it makes for an explosive cocktail! Over the past few months, I now find myself agreeing with her on everything. That way I stay calm, she doesn't get angry and we all live happily ever after ... ish. Even when she spouts nonsense, I just go along with it. Insisting she's put something there because 'she always puts it there'. Whilst she doesn't blame me (yet?) the complete certainty of her cause and the whereabouts of whatever the missing item is; glasses, keys, purse, slippers, kitchen rolls, does sometimes leave me wondering if I should pile everything into one room so she has no excuses!! :D

    Take it easy and post back again when you can.
     
  17. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland

    Good suggestion, Bruce, although TP itself is the best place to relieve stress. Sympathy, understanding, and even virtual hugs (especially Connie's :) ) work wonders for soothing ruffled feathers. I agree that an angry thresd would be a bad idea. Yes, we all get angry at times, we're human, but an angry thread would would inflame rather than comfort.

    Sharon, welcome! As you've discovered, we're all in the same situation here, and it's hard to remain patient. Just come here and talk to us whenever you like.

    Love,
     
  18. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Jilly

    I agree with Granny G, it sounds as if you have reached breaking point. You really don't have to carry on when you are feeling like that. There is no disgrace in admitting that you need help.

    I think you should phone social services and ask for an emergency assessment. Respite for your aunt would give you a break, and possibly it is time to consider permanent care?

    You've done your best, please ask for help.

    Love,
     
  19. Jilly88

    Jilly88 Registered User

    Aug 11, 2006
    39
    Margate, Kent.
    Hello Hazel.
    My aunt went into a Nursing Home a couple of years ago, but it had to be voluntary as the Director of Psychiatry said that it was just her 'Bizzare personallity'. She is self funding, so when she wanted to come home, they had to let her. While she was in there, apparently she created mayhem with her screaming, horrible habits which I will leave to your imagination and reluctance to mix with people, or wash or have her hair washed etc etc. So, I had her home again, called Social Services for a care package and waited to be helped. My aunt ordered the girls that came round to go away - and yet again, her doctor said that we and they have to comply with her wishes. On one hand, the doctor said 'She's too far gone mentally to go to a day centre, then he said that 'I was doing a great job with her and she seems to be not too bad!' She can be very polite to the doctor, which amazes me - so in effect, she can pull the wool over his eyes. I asked for a blood test as she is losing weight at an alarming rate, yet my aunt refused it when two District Nurses came round, so they just went!! Where do the officials draw the line? She has never actually been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but believe me, I am now a world expert on this subject!! Ha-ha!! (Try telling the doctors that!). Social Services have now taken her off their books, the doc thinks she's just dandy so I'm at a loss.
    No-one will help me or believe me about her behaviour, except the neighbours who hear her scream and smash things. They said that they would speak up for me, so at least I have some backing. I had an hours quiet today. Will start a new thread to tell you.
    With much love
    Jilly.
     
  20. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Jilly, that sounds horrendous. How on earth can you be expected to cope with that on your own? You desperately need help.

    Try writing to your doctor, and get the neighbours to write too. Give examples of your aunt's behaviour, and say that you can't cope any longer. Your aunt needs a full psychiatric assessment.

    Send copies of your letters to social services, and say that unless you get some help you will be writing to your MP -- and be prepared to do it, with opies of all correspondence.

    It's hard, and the last thing you need at the moment, but you can't go on like this.

    Love,
     

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