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Losing my resolve not to allow MWD to return home

Originally

Registered User
Jun 25, 2022
32
0
I need strength not to cave into Mums pleading to go home! How on earth do you ignore the constant loop of l I need to be at home. This can’t be good for me. I cry all the time. I dont want to be here”.
its so heartbreaking and I’m close to caving in at day 6! I KNOW that this is the answer but……
Unfortunately Mum’s dementia seems to be mixed with patches of lucidity so she fully remembers home. She just wants to be back where she feels comfortable and safe. Trouble is she wasn’t safe and I firefight from afar. She is now very nearby which should be perfect.
i feel sick going in to see her. I have missed a couple of days but that doesn’t help as it fails to prove that I am around the corner and she feels she might as well be at home!
How can I get over the feeling that I have had her sectioned as this is so against her wishes?
My logical head tells me I’m doing what is best but the rest of me is eaten up with doubt.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,901
0
South coast
Your head knows that this is the best outcome for her, but it takes a while to reach your heart. You know that your mum would not be safe at home, but your mum is remembering her home pre-dementia and doesnt realise that it is no longer a safe sanctuary to escape her confusion.

These visits do not sound like they are doing either of you any good and your mum will be picking up from you that you are upset, which will just make her more frightened about her situation. I honestly think that both of you would be better off if you didnt visit for at least a week, in order to break this loop.

Stay strong
xx
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
5,051
0
Nottinghamshire
I was in exactly this position three years ago. Mum knew where her old place was, and thought she had been happy there. Reminding her of the neighbours she thought were stealing from her helped a bit, but it was a very hard time. The home were very supportive at assuring me mum was in the right place. Have you talked to the manager and staff about how she is when you’re not around? The other thing the home did was apply for a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards order. That sounds horrible but it means a social worker and a psychiatrist assessed mum and came to the conclusion that she didn't have the capacity to understand the difficulties being home along would cause. That made me feel much happier that I was doing the right thing.
The other thing that kept me going was the thought of the crisis that would happen if mum was home alone. She'd had plenty of minor crises while at home and I didn't want to be around to have the pick up the pieces if she'd had a major one.
Stick with it, you are doing the right thing, and there are always people hear to listen if you want to vent.
 

Originally

Registered User
Jun 25, 2022
32
0
Your head knows that this is the best outcome for her, but it takes a while to reach your heart. You know that your mum would not be safe at home, but your mum is remembering her home pre-dementia and doesnt realise that it is no longer a safe sanctuary to escape her confusion.

These visits do not sound like they are doing either of you any good and your mum will be picking up from you that you are upset, which will just make her more frightened about her situation. I honestly think that both of you would be better off if you didnt visit for at least a week, in order to break this loop.

Stay strong
xx
I do visit with my husband to have support myself and only “break” when we get home! I am as repetitive as her in saying “This is the right place for you at the moment. I love you, and you trust me. Believe me when I say I am doing what’s best for you“ I am able to distract her by washing her hair, taking in flowers for her to arrange, going through photos ( but not of home!) etc. She never clings on to us when we leave and happily goes off with a carer to lunch or supper so I feel things are ok.
It’s just that you imagine how you would feel yourself into the equation. i would stay away if I felt confident in her care but I have had to speak to the manager about her never having her hearing aids in when we visit. That must add to the feeling of total bewilderment! Also she hasn’t been reminded to change her underwear and yesterday had no top on under her jacket. She may look smart but….. These seemingly little things make me question the bigger things. it is not a specialist dementia home as I didn’t yet think she would fit in there but I’m questioning my own choice now and yet don’t want another move. The home assure me they can cope well but I feel they are not spending enough time with her to integrate her properly and keep her distracted when I’m not there. As you can tell, I am struggling.
 

Originally

Registered User
Jun 25, 2022
32
0
I was in exactly this position three years ago. Mum knew where her old place was, and thought she had been happy there. Reminding her of the neighbours she thought were stealing from her helped a bit, but it was a very hard time. The home were very supportive at assuring me mum was in the right place. Have you talked to the manager and staff about how she is when you’re not around? The other thing the home did was apply for a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards order. That sounds horrible but it means a social worker and a psychiatrist assessed mum and came to the conclusion that she didn't have the capacity to understand the difficulties being home along would cause. That made me feel much happier that I was doing the right thing.
The other thing that kept me going was the thought of the crisis that would happen if mum was home alone. She'd had plenty of minor crises while at home and I didn't want to be around to have the pick up the pieces if she'd had a major one.
Stick with it, you are doing the right thing, and there are always people hear to listen if you want to vent.
I certainly am relying on the resolve of others who have been in my shoes to help me stay strong. Thank you. I know that I need to be. I talk to the home manager a lot as I feel it’s really important we get this right from the start. I’m just not sure if she is talking the talk and not walk the walk! Of course there is little point in asking Mum what interaction she has in a day as she may not remember correctly! This is a trial couple of weeks with the intention to roll it into a permanent stay. Despite that the manager is applying for DOLs as they are a locked door home. Will that automatically mean an assessment by the professionals?
i am told Mum is a nice lady who chats to staff (hostess Inga syndrome?) but I can see how hard it is for her to focus on speaking to anyone when all her efforts are concentrated on being at home!
She has given up asking me to take her home and now asks for me to take her to the bus or train station! It’s so hard when there are glimpses of full understanding of being somewhere she doesn’t want to be and a “plan” to get home!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,349
0
Kent
Hello @Originally

Did your mother want to go home when she really was at home? I`m not sure if it has been the same for her but it has been like this for many.

If not, and she was contented at home, please keep in your mind the reason the decision for residential care was made. I`m sure it was a good reason and in both your and your mother's best interests.

Finally, please try to stay mindful of the fact today is the best your mother will be. If you bend to her now it`s most likely you will have to go through the whole process again at a later date.
 

Originally

Registered User
Jun 25, 2022
32
0
Hello @Originally

Did your mother want to go home when she really was at home? I`m not sure if it has been the same for her but it has been like this for many.

If not, and she was contented at home, please keep in your mind the reason the decision for residential care was made. I`m sure it was a good reason and in both your and your mother's best interests.

Finally, please try to stay mindful of the fact today is the best your mother will be. If you bend to her now it`s most likely you will have to go through the whole process again at a later date.
Thanks Grannie G. I do know that this is going to be the best it will ever be! No “home” has always been the house she has lived in for years. She has been there for 61 years actually so knows every nook and cranny and associates it with all the good times in her life. It was knoen by family as “the party house’ because that’s where all the family celebrations hav always happened. I realise that what she is seeking is back to those times rather than back to the house itself but they are intrinsically linked (for me too) so it’s difficult in the extreme to separate them. She thought she was coping fine at home and cannot accept that she wasn’t. Going back, three hours from me would put pressure on her sister and husband to be there for her and I just know that she would turn daily help away. As she did before. Aaaagh! My head knows but my heart hurts.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
76,349
0
Kent
My head knows but my heart hurts.

I think everyone here will understand that feeling and most of us have experienced it too. There is no easy option. It`s devastating for everyone and I`m afraid it is the nature of the illness.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,584
0
DO NOT go into see her, for at least 14 days, maybe longer.
All you are doing at present, is reminding her of "home"
By all means phone the staff, to hear how she is doing, BUT do not speak to her.
She needs time to settle, get to know the staff, and routine.
It's hard for you, and difficult for her, but it has to be done for her safety and comfort.
My father took over 3 months to settle, but in the end he was the happiest I'd seen him for years!

Bod.
 

Originally

Registered User
Jun 25, 2022
32
0
DO NOT go into see her, for at least 14 days, maybe longer.
All you are doing at present, is reminding her of "home"
By all means phone the staff, to hear how she is doing, BUT do not speak to her.
She needs time to settle, get to know the staff, and routine.
It's hard for you, and difficult for her, but it has to be done for her safety and comfort.
My father took over 3 months to settle, but in the end he was the happiest I'd seen him for years!

Bod.
I don’t know if I can be that strong Bod! I am worried that I have not chosen the right place for her as perhaps I have not previously appreciated the extent of her dementia and I too have felt she was okay ish” This is a Residential Home not a dementia hone so perhaps they are not staffed to a high enough ratio to offer as much companionship and support as she needs. Obviously, trialling somewhere else would be horrendous! I see her anxiety increase every day and whilst I know that staying away would mean I don’t I feel she would deteriorate further without at least seeing someone familiar. No one else she knows lives near here though so it is only me and my husband. I feel like I have sectioned her!
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
100
0
I understand your pain SO much @Originally - even reading your posts and the replies nearly had me in tears as I remembered my own almost identical feelings when my mother went into a care home. ‘Facts’ don’t help, do they, and though I knew my mother wasn’t coping at home and we had already had several crises, it was the worst and hardest thing I have ever done. HOWEVER, it does get better. It makes no sense to sacrifice your own happiness and life, however much that is your understandable and loving instinct. The fact is that 9 months on, my mother is definitely in the right place, has settled as far as she ever will, and I see her on the home’s Facebook page joining in and participating in activities. When I visit she is content with her room and I think it’s as good as it can ever get with this horrible disease. I cannot offer comfort, I know it’s awful, but please be reassured you have made a right decision. All the best to you….
 

Originally

Registered User
Jun 25, 2022
32
0
I understand your pain SO much @Originally - even reading your posts and the replies nearly had me in tears as I remembered my own almost identical feelings when my mother went into a care home. ‘Facts’ don’t help, do they, and though I knew my mother wasn’t coping at home and we had already had several crises, it was the worst and hardest thing I have ever done. HOWEVER, it does get better. It makes no sense to sacrifice your own happiness and life, however much that is your understandable and loving instinct. The fact is that 9 months on, my mother is definitely in the right place, has settled as far as she ever will, and I see her on the home’s Facebook page joining in and participating in activities. When I visit she is content with her room and I think it’s as good as it can ever get with this horrible disease. I cannot offer comfort, I know it’s awful, but please be reassured you have made a right decision. All the best to you….
Thank you @Marler19 I’m sorry that months on my experience has so reminded you of your own. I feel like I am already sacrificing my own happiness in what I am doing to her. My husband is really supportive but I could sacrifice that too if I’m not strong. I will have to be but so many doubts enter your own mind about choice if home, going to visit, not going etc etc that my mind is in a whirl. As one of the wise people on this forum has said, my head knows but my heart hasn’t caught up yet. I hope it does soon!
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
100
0
Thank you @Marler19 I’m sorry that months on my experience has so reminded you of your own. I feel like I am already sacrificing my own happiness in what I am doing to her. My husband is really supportive but I could sacrifice that too if I’m not strong. I will have to be but so many doubts enter your own mind about choice if home, going to visit, not going etc etc that my mind is in a whirl. As one of the wise people on this forum has said, my head knows but my heart hasn’t caught up yet. I hope it does soon!
Totally agree with all that! One of the sad things is that everything is done out of love and if we didn’t care so much for our own PWD it wouldn’t be so hard. I wish you all the strength to get through it - and please do talk to your GP if it gets unbearable, I ended up with some meds and they did help….
 

Originally

Registered User
Jun 25, 2022
32
0
Totally agree with all that! One of the sad things is that everything is done out of love and if we didn’t care so much for our own PWD it wouldn’t be so hard. I wish you all the strength to get through it - and please do talk to your GP if it gets unbearable, I ended up with some meds and they did help….
@Marler19 already approached my own doctor! She was so understandin. The tablets are already helping to still my mind at night and I’m told that in a couple of weeks they will “enhance my mood” Sad that medication is necessary to cope but I’ll reach out for what support I can and be prepared to admit it! Thanks for sharing as it does help.
 

irishwill

Registered User
May 24, 2011
25
0
Ireland
Your story reminds me of when my wife moved to a nursing home - ten years ago now but I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a difficult move, cognitively she was alert but had declined physically. What I would say to you is that this is an important time for you to look after yourself. You can't give from an empty cup. Take time to allow your mother to settle. If this means staying away for a few days then ultimately if it allows you to recharge emotionally then it is better for her. You are second-guessing your decision, but at a time when emotions are high.
That's completely normal and understandable. This is an opportunity for you to take care of yourself. Take it- refill the emotional battery
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,584
0
I don’t know if I can be that strong Bod! I am worried that I have not chosen the right place for her as perhaps I have not previously appreciated the extent of her dementia and I too have felt she was okay ish” This is a Residential Home not a dementia hone so perhaps they are not staffed to a high enough ratio to offer as much companionship and support as she needs. Obviously, trialling somewhere else would be horrendous! I see her anxiety increase every day and whilst I know that staying away would mean I don’t I feel she would deteriorate further without at least seeing someone familiar. No one else she knows lives near here though so it is only me and my husband. I feel like I have sectioned her!
It's tough!
Speaking to the staff, how is she when you are not there?
It's often like the first days at school, all tears for mum, then once mums gone (often in tears herself) the fun starts...
I feel you have to leave her there, unless the staff say otherwise, because as you say, you'll never get her near another.
Bringing her home, will mean that should there be a crisis, there will be an uncontrolled admission to a place that wouldn't be of your choice, whether she likes it or not.
Companionship, comes as much, if not more from the other residents as the staff, mum needs time to make those friendships.

Bod.
 

update2020

Registered User
Jan 2, 2020
275
0
I agree with the suggestion above that a DOLS - deprivation of Liberty safeguarding assessment - may give you the support and professional insight that takes the weight of the decision away from you.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
18,901
0
South coast
t’s just that you imagine how you would feel yourself into the equation.
Dear @Originally .you are thinking about how you would feel if it were you in this situation, but dementia changes everything. Dementia is not just about memory loss, but it skews the whole way of thinking. Your mum will not be thinking in the same way that you are.

Perception of time changes - and something that happened 40 years ago can feel like it happened "just that morning" and yet an hour can feel like a lifetime. She would feel the same way if you were there every minute and just left 5 mins ago as she would if you hadnt visited for a month!
i am told Mum is a nice lady who chats to staff (hostess Inga syndrome?) but I can see how hard it is for her to focus on speaking to anyone when all her efforts are concentrated on being at home!
When you are not there, you will not be in her mind and thoughts of home will start to fade. I expect that you are sitting at home fretting that she is constantly upset and wanting to go home, but it almost certainly isnt true - it is seeing you that will be the trigger.

I well remember visiting mum in her care home (pre-covid when everyone could visit when ever they liked and there were no restrictions) and I was in the lounge chatting to mum and a couple of other residents who were mums friends, when some relatives came to visit another lady . Prior to them arriving this lady had been chatting to a member of staff and laughing, but as soon as she saw her relatives it was like a switch had been thrown - she said "have you come to take me home?" and started crying and saying how awful the place was, no one talked to her etc etc. The family took her to another room and lasted about half an hour before they brought her back, still crying and begging for them to take her home. At this point one of the carers suggested to this lady that they could go for a cup of tea and whisked her away while the relatives made their escape. About five mins later the lady and the carer reappeared with tea and the lady was happily chattering and laughing again! She had obviously forgotten that her relatives had visited along with any thoughts of home. If I hadnt seen it with my own eyes, I would never have believed it.

Your mum may not have such a dramatic change, but when staff say she is talking to other other people, it is very likely true.
 

MackTwelve

Registered User
May 28, 2022
33
0
Hello @Originally I really feel for you, I'm on the cusp of having to make the decision of allowing (sending) my mother into some sort of residential care due to our circumstances. I've been caring for her 24/7 for the last five years basically with no outside help until very recently. Family haven't helped much until our most recent crisis, but now that they have to help me a little they see no problem letting her go. She has only been in hospital for four nights and although I visit daily while she's being assessed my heart is breaking, I'm so emotional I'm ashamed to say that I cry just thinking about it. But I'll just have to man up and get my feeling under control. I wish you all the best for the future and as many have already mention I can understand that the heart takes time to catch up with the head.
 

Linsac

Registered User
Aug 14, 2020
91
0
Hi @Originally hows things today? As I told you on another thread, my mum has been in the CH for 10 weeks now. Today was the first day she didn't ask to go home, I took her out for a cup of tea and while we were out she asked to go back to the big house (as she calls it) as she didn't want to miss lunch!

It is so hard in the first few weeks but just do as we all said, the love lies. Mum had weeks of threatening to get on a bus, , walk home(!) asking where her house keys were but they are just words..as others have said she will not remember how unhappy she was at home. Just change the subject and keep things cheerful. I sneaked a few more of mum's possessions into her room today and we will take her beloved TV in at the weekend to replace the old one in her room so she can watch Wimbledon as she always has done. Good luck, keep posting or feel free to PM me as we are in a similar situation.