Oh Catherine hang on in there gal. I know this might sound silly but your heart's in the right place because it's you and your Mum involved in all this. The posts are mostly spot on in my opinion. I don't have wife or kids to consider so my situation is different. but I do have invisibles but just said forget it, it's their problem not wasting my energy. Have you talked to the bank about internet banking with POA and setting up more or some direct debits for bill payment? I manage Mum's finances via internet banking and if I didn't tell her what I was doing (which I do but she then forgets) she wouldn't know. Don't know if this helps but thought I'd throw it out there as an idea.
losing my own family
- Thread starter catherine1
- Start date
Sorry
Catherine sorry about my reply as I've just re-read your comments about the banking stuff. I haven't used my EPA to solve financial problems yet as I already had control via internet banking. Just a wild thought but can you try leaning on the bank with your POA to see if that gives you legitimate access to log in codes and passwords? Don't know if I should contribute any more as I might be out of my depth. Just want to say your in my, and obviously others, thoughts.
Catherine sorry about my reply as I've just re-read your comments about the banking stuff. I haven't used my EPA to solve financial problems yet as I already had control via internet banking. Just a wild thought but can you try leaning on the bank with your POA to see if that gives you legitimate access to log in codes and passwords? Don't know if I should contribute any more as I might be out of my depth. Just want to say your in my, and obviously others, thoughts.
Me husband's GP phoned the DVLA re revoking his driving licence because he was a bit confused at an appointment. He had not been diagnosed. They revoked it immediately with no suggestion of an appeal. I was shocked when attending Memory matters meetings to see the people who were still driving - my husband was the best there!
Add me to the list as well.
I have my daughter and husband but one by one everyone has backed off and if I am honest this is the second time in my life I have been here. My mum sent me to granny sit when I was 14 until I was 16/17 most days of my school holidays and let me tell you gran was a cantankerous old biddy. So you have my heart felt sympathy and a few hugs. Keep posting we are here for you xxxxx
I have my daughter and husband but one by one everyone has backed off and if I am honest this is the second time in my life I have been here. My mum sent me to granny sit when I was 14 until I was 16/17 most days of my school holidays and let me tell you gran was a cantankerous old biddy. So you have my heart felt sympathy and a few hugs. Keep posting we are here for you xxxxx
Hi Catherine
I am new here, and have just registered, but wanted to offer a suggestion if I may. Do you have the Admiral Nursing Service in your area? They offer care to the carer and are absolute dementia experts. If you can get yourself an Admiral Nurse it will be one of the best things you can do to help you help your mum. They are totally amazing and can make the system work for you and make sense. You can search for them online and find out if they are in your area.
I care for my Dad as well as my disabled son, so we are a far from typical family. Without our Admiral Nurse to guide and support us I really don't think we should have come as far as we have. I also have an invisible brother, who has been completely unhelpful and positively vindictive on many occasions. His view on caring appears to be that it both costs nothing and is worthless, and as we all know that could not be further from the truth.
You can hold your head up high with all that you are doing for your mum, but as I have learned the very hard way, it is very important to have some life for yourself and as someone said earlier there do need to be some boundaries otherwise you will burn out and that will not help anybody.
Do take care. Very best wishes workerbee
I am new here, and have just registered, but wanted to offer a suggestion if I may. Do you have the Admiral Nursing Service in your area? They offer care to the carer and are absolute dementia experts. If you can get yourself an Admiral Nurse it will be one of the best things you can do to help you help your mum. They are totally amazing and can make the system work for you and make sense. You can search for them online and find out if they are in your area.
I care for my Dad as well as my disabled son, so we are a far from typical family. Without our Admiral Nurse to guide and support us I really don't think we should have come as far as we have. I also have an invisible brother, who has been completely unhelpful and positively vindictive on many occasions. His view on caring appears to be that it both costs nothing and is worthless, and as we all know that could not be further from the truth.
You can hold your head up high with all that you are doing for your mum, but as I have learned the very hard way, it is very important to have some life for yourself and as someone said earlier there do need to be some boundaries otherwise you will burn out and that will not help anybody.
Do take care. Very best wishes workerbee
HI Catherine, I also can identify with your problems. I am also the "lone carer", but with other siblings who have taken thier money (and it was a good amount) and ran. I am in contact with two of my sisters almost daily but whenever I bring up the subject of dad and what is happening etc they change the subject.
Two of my siblings actually live at the end of my dads road but simply cannot find the time to visit. When I do have a moan, for expample since I started looking after him 18 months ago have not been able to even take a bank holiday off.
The best thing for me and a I am sure others is to try and put it into perspective and make time for yourself even if it is a few hours. I have been lucky as where dad lives in sheltered accom he has some good friends in there.
I also make sure that I do as much for them as I can so that they in return look out for dad if I am not there.
take care of yourself
Sue
x
Two of my siblings actually live at the end of my dads road
but simply cannot find the time to visit. When I do have a moan, for expample since I started looking after him 18 months ago have not been able to even take a bank holiday off.The best thing for me and a I am sure others is to try and put it into perspective and make time for yourself even if it is a few hours. I have been lucky as where dad lives in sheltered accom he has some good friends in there.
I also make sure that I do as much for them as I can so that they in return look out for dad if I am not there.
take care of yourself
Sue
x
No sad but very brave
I don't think you are sad at all to "confess" to a computer: I think you are very brave. There are so many of us with all the same problems, but all feeling so isolated, so impotent, so alone and frequently so unsure of whether we are doing the right thing. I am afraid I have no help to give. I just wanted to say thank you for voicing exactly how I feel at present.
I don't think you are sad at all to "confess" to a computer: I think you are very brave. There are so many of us with all the same problems, but all feeling so isolated, so impotent, so alone and frequently so unsure of whether we are doing the right thing. I am afraid I have no help to give. I just wanted to say thank you for voicing exactly how I feel at present.
For me, it's not about whether Mum even knows me or not (I don't think she really has for several years), it's about that I know who she is.
Granted, I don't visit as often as I did when she was first diagnosed but it's been over 10 years now. I get to the nursing home once or twice a week and that's because my husband's shift changed and we can't get there very easily during the week. But we manage what we can and I know she's being well-cared for.
Your sister will probably regret her lack of visiting one day but that will not be your problem.
Its like reading about my life when I didnt write it!!
Sorry that title made no sense, it is my first post, and I have had another day from hell - which suprises me cos I always think 'it cant get any worse!!' (I am or was a very annoying optimistic type of person - now I am just a dementia bore!) I with help of my long suffering husband and daughter care for my mum with Vascular dementia/Alzheimers AND seperate diagnosis of anxiety & depression which apparently pre-dates the dementia (go figure!!!). I have been fighting for a diagnosis since last october etc etc etc - Mum is receiving day care (and whilst she is ther she likes it - when she's not there she either hates sitting around doing nothing with 'old people' (she is 82) or I 'just want rid of her') My sister leaves 'caring' for mum to me cos 'she cant do it' ---- of course thats alright then - doesnt matter that i have been off work for two weeks with stress due to Mum's difficulties (i.e. on average 40 phonecalls a day - and she is only on her own first thing in morning -she wakes up from 5am to phone me - until I go down to her bungalow - about 7.30 - 8.00am until I HAVE to leave for work - taxi picks her up 9.30 day care until 5 then I pick her up take her to mine for tea - take her home for bed about 8.30 (wont stay at mine any longer than that in case she 'becomes a burden'. leave her 9.00ish depending on how she is then, phone calls start to my house before I have even started the car - this goes on until she is persuaded to take her pills either by phone or house call!! then she can continue phone calls despite 2 strong sleeping pills, 1 sedative based anti depressant and a lorazipam - until her speech is so slurred I can persuade her to go to bed. I do try to sleep around about then - but usually woken up anytime from 5am by mum screaming/crying/sobbing 'wheres my money - wheres my bedding - what have you done with my towels etc etc.
We are trying to get mum into the home she goes to daycare permanently - but when we are in crisis they dont have a bed - when we coping they have a bed but social worker sees we coping and mum 'has capacity to make her own decisions - for the two mins he is talking to her - and mum said no to leaving her home - cant understand why
When we suggested mum moving into care two weeks ago - because I had one phonecall to many and one threat to call the police to far - i broke down to social worker for third time and said I cant cope - plans were started.
MY POINT FINALLY: - my sister let me and my husband pack and move my mum last october from devon to somerset - with very little help!! but when she found out mum might be going into a home - she offered to bring all her family up to 'help' empty the bungalow - whilst earmarking various household objects which would come in useful for her and her family - helpful/thoughtful and not at all materialistic or missing the point!!
Long winded rant to get to one small paragraph but I have spent yet another day crying hysterically, fighting 'the system' and being so scared I will get it wrong for my mum. without a text/call from my sister - who at present might manage a visit next weekend - when Mum is in day care obviously - not on Sunday when she is needing constant care!!!!!
Hi guys I promise to limit my next rant to a thousand words only!!
best wishes
Ali P
Sorry that title made no sense, it is my first post, and I have had another day from hell - which suprises me cos I always think 'it cant get any worse!!' (I am or was a very annoying optimistic type of person - now I am just a dementia bore!) I with help of my long suffering husband and daughter care for my mum with Vascular dementia/Alzheimers AND seperate diagnosis of anxiety & depression which apparently pre-dates the dementia (go figure!!!). I have been fighting for a diagnosis since last october etc etc etc - Mum is receiving day care (and whilst she is ther she likes it - when she's not there she either hates sitting around doing nothing with 'old people' (she is 82) or I 'just want rid of her') My sister leaves 'caring' for mum to me cos 'she cant do it' ---- of course thats alright then - doesnt matter that i have been off work for two weeks with stress due to Mum's difficulties (i.e. on average 40 phonecalls a day - and she is only on her own first thing in morning -she wakes up from 5am to phone me - until I go down to her bungalow - about 7.30 - 8.00am until I HAVE to leave for work - taxi picks her up 9.30 day care until 5 then I pick her up take her to mine for tea - take her home for bed about 8.30 (wont stay at mine any longer than that in case she 'becomes a burden'. leave her 9.00ish depending on how she is then, phone calls start to my house before I have even started the car - this goes on until she is persuaded to take her pills either by phone or house call!! then she can continue phone calls despite 2 strong sleeping pills, 1 sedative based anti depressant and a lorazipam - until her speech is so slurred I can persuade her to go to bed. I do try to sleep around about then - but usually woken up anytime from 5am by mum screaming/crying/sobbing 'wheres my money - wheres my bedding - what have you done with my towels etc etc.
We are trying to get mum into the home she goes to daycare permanently - but when we are in crisis they dont have a bed - when we coping they have a bed but social worker sees we coping and mum 'has capacity to make her own decisions - for the two mins he is talking to her - and mum said no to leaving her home - cant understand why
When we suggested mum moving into care two weeks ago - because I had one phonecall to many and one threat to call the police to far - i broke down to social worker for third time and said I cant cope - plans were started.
MY POINT FINALLY: - my sister let me and my husband pack and move my mum last october from devon to somerset - with very little help!! but when she found out mum might be going into a home - she offered to bring all her family up to 'help' empty the bungalow - whilst earmarking various household objects which would come in useful for her and her family - helpful/thoughtful and not at all materialistic or missing the point!!
Long winded rant to get to one small paragraph but I have spent yet another day crying hysterically, fighting 'the system' and being so scared I will get it wrong for my mum. without a text/call from my sister - who at present might manage a visit next weekend - when Mum is in day care obviously - not on Sunday when she is needing constant care!!!!!
Hi guys I promise to limit my next rant to a thousand words only!!
best wishes
Ali P
