1. julie_truro

    julie_truro Registered User

    Nov 21, 2009
    My dear Mum died recently too, on Remembrance Sunday. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimers three years previously, but there had been signs that something was not quite right. My Dad had been worried about her for some time, but when he died she was completely lost. Not only losing her husband of 40 years, but also the person who knew what day and time it was and who would help her sort things out. I knew something was wrong when she couldn't spell properly anymore. she had always been brilliant at spelling.

    One of the last things that my Dad said to me before he died was "look after your Mum". When Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers I promised I'd stick with her no matter what. That has been very difficult. I am a Christian and for me that would not have been possible without God. And very good friends and family. I know that others have other means of support. I hope that everyone gets the sort of support that they need.

    Mum had been declining for sometime, but when the staff at the care home said that they felt we needed to talk with the doctor and perhaps the end was getting near that I entered a sort of strange limbo land. Mum was with me but wouldn't be for much longer. How do you deal with an absence to come when that person is still very much a presence?

    I was fortunate. Mum knew me up to the point where she was so ill she was really not interacting any more. Just a week before she died she saw me and put her arms out to me to hug me. I was fortunate that I was there when she took her last breaths, with her eyes open, looking into my face. I held her hand, stroked her head and told her it was all alright.

    I only had the week after she died off and then went back to work. I didn't have a reason not to. dealing with the sympathy of my colleagues is difficult, but I know they are trying to help and be a comfort.

    I just feel lost. I was blessed to spend time with her everyday before she died, and was with her all night before she died at 6am. I thought I saw her last weekend, as she had been. I haven't cried very much. I am not sure if it has really sunk in.
  2. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    Dear Julie, I'm so sorry to read your post here. I am sorry for your pain and for the loss of your dear mother. It sounds as if she died a 'good' death, if such a thing exists, knowing she was loved and in the presence of her loving daughter. Many would envy you and your mother that experience. Your mother too was blessed to have you with her in those days before she died.
    Dear Julie, of course it hasn't sunk in yet.. how could it? We are not even out of November and everything is very raw still.
    I hope you have friends and family around to offer you practical and emotional support. Please accept hugs and much sympathy at this sad time, and make sure you keep posting on here because I know that other TP-ers will want to offer their help to you, as I do.
    Kind regards
  3. Vonny

    Vonny Registered User

    Feb 3, 2009
    Dear Julie and welcome to Talking Point although I'm sorry the circumstances have made it necessary.

    I am so sorry that you lost your mum recently. As Deborah says, it is very early days yet and you will still feel numb. Everyone will want to help you and it's sometimes hard to accept help when you are feeling so low.

    Please post here as often as you wish. Many of us have lost loved ones through this wretched disease and I have found comfort and support here beyond any expectation.

    Take care

    Vonny xx
  4. Winnie Kjaer

    Winnie Kjaer Account Closed

    Aug 14, 2009
    Just a little hello from me too and to say how sorry I am about you losing your mother. My mother died on 7th September and I too was lucky to have been with my mother throughout her illness and at her deathbed. It is a special time but very hard on you. I still have my husband a stroke survivor with Vascular dementia to care for so the days are quite busy which helps me, and I make time to come on TP which I have recently found because the support is great and so much information, everybody is so knowledgable. Keep posting you will find others in the same situation as yourself and you receive great support.I am glad your colleagues are supportive. Best wishes
  5. NI_21

    NI_21 Registered User

    Oct 20, 2009

    Im so sorry to hear about you mum, your story has been very touching...I think you will find that everyone on here is so supportive and it sounds as though you were an amazing support to your mum right until the end. Reading what you have written I can tell you are a brilliant caring and strong person and when the time comes when you feel that what has happened sinks in, everyone here is willing to be the best friend you just havent met yet :)

    Take care xox
  6. Rosie

    Rosie Registered User

    Jun 10, 2004
    South East Wales, UK.
    Dear Julie, just read your posting, so sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum. TP is a good place to visit for support, friendship & to have a heart to heart, there are always someone here who has gone through similar situations, please take care of yourself & visit when you feel the need. Thinking of you, luv & hugs Rosie x x x
  7. annie rose

    annie rose Registered User

    Nov 22, 2009
    so sorry.x

    iam so sorry to hear of your mums passing.
    my dad also has been diagnosed with alzheimers recently and its the worst thing ive ever known.
    you sound like a daughter to be proud of.Aways being there for her and for your dad.
    i try to spend as much time as i can with dad too,its the only thing left to do,just be there for them.
    i found your letter very moving,i wish you much peace in the years to come.
    take care
    annie x
  8. Snip

    Snip Registered User

    Mar 16, 2009
    So sorry to hear your sad news, Julie....so recent and so very raw. I think it's quite usual for people to have a numb phase after the death of someone they love...it just seems impossible that they have gone, the finality is unbelievable. But often that is followed by those other feelings...rage, anguish etc and the tears.

    My mum died in September and it was a mess - I still haven't found the words to write about it here:( but I certainly had that numb phase when it didn't 'sink in' properly...and am now in the crying all the time phase!! So you may find that the tears and the more 'usual' signs of grief are still to come.

    It must have been wonderful for your dear mum to have you with her in her last moments and to see your face and hear you telling her that all was well.....surely that's what we would all want for ourselves too? How blessed she was to have a loving daughter. God bless you too, Julie, as you find your way along the road of grieving for your special mum. :)


    Snip x
  9. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007

    I lost my Mum on 4th April 2008. It was a blessed release for her and I am live with the certainty that she is whole again, rather than the shawdow of herself which she became through her years with dementia. Like your Mum, I was fortunate in that my Mum knew me to near enough the end of her life.

    It is too soon to feel OK about her passing. It takes a lot of time to lose the complete sadness and to be able to feel happiness again. Whilst you may sense relief, fear, anger and a whole gamut of emotions at the moment all these feelings are right as for each of us the journey to reach acceptance of what has happened is different. true happiness comes again, when you least expect it and you get a flash of feeling. This starts to happen more often until the times when you feel sad fade away. They never completely vanish, and like the first flashes of happiness are brief, but they will remain with you at odd times through out life. Such is the nature of love, for when we love deeply we grieve deeply too.

    It is early days yet, it is a process that cannot be rushed and many of us have had duvet days when we have not wanted to face the world, but it will lessen.



  10. julie_truro

    julie_truro Registered User

    Nov 21, 2009
    thank you

    thanks so much for your encouraging words and comfort. Many people are sympathetic, having lost their own parents or are just good people, but only those who know the losses from Alzheimers that build up to that final loss can really understand.
    Not only did my Mum die of Alzheimers, but I've heard that her sister in America's ex husband has also been diagnosed with it. I feel for my cousins who have to face this with him.
    i thought that when Mum died that I'd want a rest from things about dementia. But it has made me even more determined to make people aware of what it actually is, and fight this disease that takes something so precious from the person who has it and the people they love and who love them.
    thanks so much for your support.
  11. debs1966

    debs1966 Registered User

    Nov 4, 2009
    Hi Julie

    Hi Julie

    I thought when reading your thread it sounded like I could have been writing this.

    I lost my father on 16 November so 2 weeks today and the strange thing is I was able to spend the last 4 weeks with him going to the hospital 2 to 3 times a day and I was able to be there when he also took his last breaths. He too was able to recognise me to the end and he said I want you to be happy? And when are you going to get married? Bless him.

    I too have gone back to work today and my colleagues cannot believe how incredibly strong I feel although I do have my moments generally in the middle of the night. I have been sleeping with my little boys pink panther that my little boy left with him until he past which has brought me great comfort.

    I too think am I still in shock as it not hit me yet or because my dad has been ill for the last year I feel I have been going through the grieving process for the last 3 years or more.

    I am also on anti depressants from the Dr and wonder if they are helping with my pain. I am not saying the loss is by anywhere easy I loved my father to bits and can't imagine my life without him but I still keep thinking he his no longer suffering and in pain. He will live in my heart forever and I know I can still feel him around me which makes me feel better.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Love and light Debs xx
  12. hadenough

    hadenough Registered User

    Mar 8, 2007
    Your experience sounds very similar to mine-my heart goes out to you x
  13. florrie

    florrie Registered User

    Dec 23, 2009
    #13 florrie, Dec 24, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2009
    Dear Julie,
    I am sorry for the loss of your Mum to this awful diease. I lost my lovely Dad at the end of July.
    One of your phrases has touched me and expressed something which has been so hard to express to other people. "How do you deal with an absence to come when that person is still very much a presence?" Even stranger, the presence which is there is not the real person who you have loved all your life. It's tough.

    Like you I took as much time as I could to be with my Dad but had to divide my time because my Mum is in another care home. Dad only semi knew me for the last few months of his life. His words were few, ironic for a man who could talk the hind leg off a donkey. A week before he died I visited on my way home from work and he was sitting in a chair by a huge window overlooking a garden but he didn't appear to know anything. I sat by him for about half an hour holding his hand and talking with him to no response. When I got up to go something made me tell him that I loved him and that I always would. Just for a minute he stopped muttering and writhing and sat still and ****** his head to one side as if he had listened and understood. I will never know if he actually did but I like to think so. The following day he stayed in bed and died six days later. He was on a morphine driver and I hope knew nothing. I visited several times a day and it was the most difficult thing I have yet had to do. I missed his passing by about twenty minutes. I don't beat myself up about that, I had done all I could and I know he was no longer there, only the 'machinery' working.

    Dad died during the school summer holidays so when I went back to work in the new term nobody knew what had happened except a few of my closest colleagues who I had emailed. There were difficult moments where I had to explain and I felt for people who were embarassed. Like you, I just coped. Many people were a huge help and I had massive understanding from another colleague who lost her Dad two years ago to Vascular Dementia. My partner is ever present and supportive and sometimes it is difficult to be alone. It is a relief to be busy but I must admit in quiet moments I still crumble. This tends to be when I am driving!! There must be motorists around alarmed by the sight of a weeping woman at the wheel and I hope I get over this pretty quickly!!

    I admire you so much for seeing your Mum through to the end. You must have had a wonderful relationship which you will carry in your heart for the rest of your life as I do for my Dad. Like you, it was so important to say the things that mattered.

    Unfortunately it would have been Dad's 75th birthday this Christmas Day so it's a bit of a double whammy.

    I do sincerely wish you and yours the best Christmas you can manage.

    with love
  14. Prague09

    Prague09 Registered User

    Jul 22, 2008
    Dear Julie

    I am so sorry for your loss. Each stage you go through is a step nearer the pain subsiding. You never get over it though, but you learn to live with it.
    God bless
    Prague 09

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