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Losing it

Scarlet Lady

Registered User
Apr 6, 2021
@CAL Y, I am so, so sorry for all you’re going through. It does sound as if the cancer might be the biggest imperative at the moment. Hospice care at home is a great initiative if it works, but it seems as if your husband requires more overnight attention than you’re able to give him. Sadly, maybe this is the time he really needs to be in hospital.


Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
oh @CAL Y you sound exhausted
please do make this clear tomorrow, don't let daylight fool you into thinking things may not be as bad as you think tonight ... read out your post so you have the words to hand
ask your GP for a referral to Marie Curie nurses, you NEED support at night so you can sleep

maybe, sadly, it's time to look into residential hospice care .... your needs have to be taken into account as much as your husband's


Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
@CAL Y my dad had dementia and oesophageal cancer, the hospice were really good and we had a bed for dad in his front bedroom which was where I slept and they provided carers twice a day but it was not enough. In hindsight dad should have been admitted to the hospice where the staff are trained and I could have spent more time just being with dad instead of being his full time carer who was going out of her mind with worry. Dad would not have known that he was in a hospice because I would have been with him anyway.

We muddled through but dad died about 3 weeks later and although we managed, I was not prepared for how hard it was. Dad became increasingly frail and weak, there was nothing of him in the end, bag of bones was how I would describe him. The worst thing was that he always cheerful and believed he was well when he wasn't.

Please get more help, it will become increasingly difficult for you, emotionally and physically. My dad weighed nothing in the end but my husband and I had great difficulty lifting him off the bed and onto the commode. It was actually quite frightening but we did it. We were neither prepared or trained for looking after a dying person. I am a good bit younger than you and it all but finished me off.

Sorry that I am not more positive but it could have been so much better for all of us if dad had been in a hospice.


Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
Thank you all for your replies. I know you are right. I do need more help.
I was managing , albeit not too well when he was able to help to lift himself.
Im thinking that I will call the nurses today and ask for a hospice bed for him.
Even if it is just for a few days respite. It might give them time to put other help in place. I have been offered Marie Curie night sitters already and was about to take up the offer. The problem is , when he needs moving during the day I am not strong enough to do it so action needs to be taken.

Dying at home is not some scene from a Hollywood movie.
It is nasty and smelly and breaks your heart . Not to mention your spirit.