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Losing It Here/Venting

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Ann422, Nov 7, 2015.

  1. Ann422

    Ann422 Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    35
    USA
    #1 Ann422, Nov 7, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2015
    Okay, my mother does not have a diagnosis of dementia, but she has lots of symptoms I have noticed. The problem: no one else in my family notices them. My sibling has POA and here in the States, I can do nothing about this situation. It is in his hands to decide whether or not to get a Neurological workup done. He wont. He is in denial. So are the others. If she has it, it is possibly early stage, but it is progressing. Here is why I am writing today:
    Yesterday, I called her on the telephone and she told me she had taken 3 times the usual dosage of benzodiazepine as prescribed her her doctor to get some sleep. Then I was unable to get to her house nor to reach her on the phone. I called my sibling with the POA and spoke to his answering machine and told him. He never replied. Not yesterday. Not ever. I contact him only mostly by email and rarely as I know he is a difficult person and the family is dysfunctional. Today I called my mother and asked her about yesterday and she very clearly told me she would never take 3 pills at once. That she fears them. This has always been the truth. I am so lost now because, brother with POA is just not hearing me. I experience many "events" where it is clear that my mother has memory issues, anger issues, behavior issues, etc. I once sent him an email several months ago pointing out my reasoning. No response.
    I cannot get her doctor to talk to me. I cannot get Adult Protective Services in because they have to see a truly dire circumstance, they then have to declare her incompetent, and it is one huge mess. She is very ill with congestive heart failure too and is homebound, fragile and frail.
    Is there anyone out there who went through this, being the only one and coming up against walls? I even contacted my own doctor who suggested I sent my mother's doctor a letter or actually a phone call leaving a message. This does not work. This doctor only replies to my brother with the POA.
     
  2. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    Hi Ann, and welcome to TP

    not sure what the procedure is in the US but here it would be get the doctor involved...
     
  3. Ann422

    Ann422 Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    35
    USA
    I can't. I don't have POA.
     
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,853
    Female
    Scotland
    Is it possible your husband may be right! You are getting very upset but no one else is including your mother who is the focus of your concern. Try taking a week off. Dont phone , visit or email. If everyone is alive and well at the end of the week perhaps they can get by without you.

    You've stated your concerns now back away.
     
  5. Ann422

    Ann422 Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    35
    USA
    #5 Ann422, Nov 7, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2015
    Anything is possible, I guess. However, she has been hospitalized 3 separate times for failure to take her Lasik. She was once medically compliant, but no longer. I have posted here explaining that she may well be in early dementia. Memory loss, behavioral issues, and such.
     
  6. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    This is such a difficult time for you and you are obviously trying to do your very best for your Mum but you are going to make yourself ill! Perhaps a break for your sake rather than for hers would be a good idea - your husband is obviously really worried and if you had say 4 or 5 days break it might do you good
     
  7. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,578
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Does your brother have POA for Health & Welfare? Does it work differently in the States.
    Eg. Here in New Zealand , it is only in force when that person has been declared as not having capacity to make health decisions for themself?
    If your mother has never had any kind on neurological assesment, then how can he be the one with complete control?
    Next time emailing your brother put a read receipt on it, so you can tell that the email has at least been opened.
    Is he reading your emails or just ignoring them, therfore no reply?
    If he is reading them, and his POA is in force, does he not have any duty of care to respond?
    I would however write/email your Mothers Doctor again, and keep copies.
    What legal duty does your mothers doctor have?

    I care for my mother with Alzheimers and have POA for her health & welfare.
    As my parents have lived in their own home behind ours for now 7 yrs, I am the only one that sees the true picture out of my siblings.
    I am concerned now for Mums safety. She cannot be left at home totally alone, and at times her safety is still compromised due to Dad having cognitive impairment and not understanding Mums capabilities... He does not always cope, but will not admit to anyone except me.
    But yet the health professionals ( and my siblings) see no problems and I have now been told by a health professional to take a step back. It hurts:(
    I feel now I am waiting for some kind of crisis to happen, to be beleived how bad the situation is getting..
     
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,531
    Female
    South coast
    I think a lot of people have to wait for a crisis :(
    Although Mums GP and her friends realised that there was something wrong Mum refused to go to any appointments and she also refused any help from Social Services. I was pulling my hair out at this point. Things just got worse and worse until, eventually she got taken to hospital with a TIA at which point her dementia could not be denied and she was found to be malnourished and dehydrated because she was not eating or drinking. She went into a care home from hospital and it was a couple of months further on that she was eventually diagnosed with Alzheimers.

    Eventually your mums dementia wont be able to be denied. Hang on in there.
     
  9. Ann422

    Ann422 Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    35
    USA
    Linbrusco: Thank you for responding. Yes, here in the States, he does have POA, and the doctors cannot/will not speak to us. It has happened when I was in the ER with her (many, many hospitalizations for congestive heart failure. She is diagnosed with cognitive impairment several years go and she has gotten much worse. I am very concerned for her safety. My brother? Well he even treats my mother poorly not allowing her to speak much. No abuse, but he will spend 3 minutes talking to her and he is done; short fuse and takes it out on not just her, but myself and my other brother, who is very sweet. Otherwise, I would think it is me. In any case, I rarely contact this brother and only to try to get information about my mother over the years. He withholds a lot. So, the situation is not easy. I am afraid that a crisis will have to occur as if they haven't already what with hospitalizations and one where she had fallen, kept getting out of bed despite their telling her not to and them finally putting a ringer that went off. So she was not compliant in the hospital (not the way she once was) and is not compliant with drugs, and in general, cannot remember from one thing to the next. The hospital staff advised us that she is not safe alone at home. but they did not nothing about it. She is weak, and frail. So, there are many issues.

    Your telling me that you were the only one to realize things, is heartening to me because, it is crazy that they don't see it but I do. I worry, yes, and it is hard to just leave her alone and not call and back off for a week. My husband is sick of the whole thing and wants to put her in a nursing home. That is the bottom line. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but he simply does not care.

    So I am sorry if I seemed a bit "hysterical" but really, after eight years of this, it is not easy as many of you know. God Bless You all.
     
  10. Ann422

    Ann422 Registered User

    Aug 9, 2015
    35
    USA

    Yes, Canary same here. My mother now refuses to go to the doctor because she is "sick". My mother has no money and is on public aid. when she was hospitalized, her public aid had run out so the decision was to send her home. A nurse was to come in and she threw the nurse out of the house. She has refused all help yet she is unable to self care. She hardly eats or drinks and it is a daily battle.

    I don't wish dementia on her. But I cannot help what I see. thank you.
     
  11. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    you are not being hysterical at all and we all want to support you as much as we can. I'm sure you feel alone and that you are fighting without much ammunition and i'm so sorry
    I don't understand the US system but can you independently apply for joint POA with your brother - you are at such a disadvantage having no power and professionals refusing to speak to you because of data protection and confidentiality.

    Is there a legal way to get more power to help your mum?
     

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