The trouble is, I think if you don't live with dementia then its very hard to understand what its all about. I've got friends that don't see much because of caring for my mum. I seem to get left behind abit. Its not their fault they just don't understand.
Losing friends
- Thread starter Sparky1953
- Start date
My husband and I have a couple we spend a lot of time with.Both men have dementia so we women chat together while the men natter away.We notice they have much the same conversation every time we go out, but they seem to be enjoying themselves.My husband is 85yrs now and his friend is 81yrs They worked together from the age of 22yrs and talk about what happened when they were "boys" I think we have to remember some of our friends are elderly,and maybe they are not well enough to visit us.
My husband is only 66 and I am 62, he has had Alz for about 9 years or more. Our friends are about that age or even younger , his brother is a lot younger . They don't have the excuse of not being physically fit to go and visit him or pick the phone up and ring me or my children to ask how he is. When we see them they don't ask about him either. it is as though he is already no longer here.
I'm sorry but I feel very bitter about it all, I try not to because it won't change things but it is very sad.
I'm sorry but I feel very bitter about it all, I try not to because it won't change things but it is very sad.
I am sorry! I didn't realise you and your husband were so young.This disease is difficult to deal with at any age,but to have to cope when you're younger is very sad.Of course our friends are a lot older,but even they, often ring up to have a chat and always ask how my husband is--I can't understand how family can just abandon that person who needs their friendship and support,especially when we would make every effort if ever they needed us. My thoughts are with you.
Well, that's something. My husband went into a nursing home and only a few bothered to ask about him. It was a case of out of sight out of mind. With neighbours, it's the same now that he has died. A card pushed through the letterbox but not a word spoken.
Saffie, that's awfully sad. If you ever need a shoulder, always feel welcome to come here and jot down your thoughts and feelings. You're still 'one of us', even though your husband is no longer here.
You'll always have our support, xx
Thank you Chuggalug. I would understand our neighbours better had my husband not been an extremely sociable man who was always happy to chat to people, including said neighbours. Still people as how they are - but the excuse that they don't know what to say, which is often given, is pretty feeble in my mind. Just "Sorry" is enough.
I took great comfort from the cards sent to me when my Dad passes away and was lucky people empathised with me. I suppose it is harder for others when you are young (actually not sure if you are young I just think you are!)
You certainly don't seem like a person to wallow in misery despite your terrible sadness.
One of the ladies I teach (decorative art) had a terrible shock when her husband died suddenly of a heart attack about 5 years ago. We do have a giggle in class about things he would get up to. It took her a long time before she could share this with us though and the last thing we wanted to do was to upset her by saying the wrong thing. Sometimes just a hug was enough.
Sharon x
You certainly don't seem like a person to wallow in misery despite your terrible sadness.
One of the ladies I teach (decorative art) had a terrible shock when her husband died suddenly of a heart attack about 5 years ago. We do have a giggle in class about things he would get up to. It took her a long time before she could share this with us though and the last thing we wanted to do was to upset her by saying the wrong thing. Sometimes just a hug was enough.
Sharon x
Young - me?! not so Sharon!
I too have found the cards I received so gratifying too, especially those from people with whom my husband worked and spent time with and those he or we have not seen for many a year.
Neighbours though - I live in a small close and have lived here for nearly 34 years and others for longer yet only a couple have spoken, even to ask how he has been over the past 4 years. So yes, even a hug would have been nice.
Still would be, come to that.
I know people don't like to 'intrude' but some don't like to appear needy either and as you say, wallow in grief - and I'm one of those. So I guess I really only have myself to blame.
(I leave any wallowing for TP!
)Sparky, I hope you keep some of your friends. Those that stay the course and support you are worth all the ones that disappear.
Don't look here either, Sharon. I've been set in me ways for years!
Saddest thing is that my hubby loved bikes and bikers for years and was one of a few groups that were about. Went camping, went on air trips to Romania, met lots of people. Now he's down on his uppers, as he used to call it, not one soul comes to comfort him.
I know people don't understand the delusions and accusations that the illness brings, but hey, a phone call wouldn't go amiss. But that never happens from any of the old crowd.
Ne'mind! We've still got somewhere warm to live and huddle away in, so huddle, we will. And when it's winter, we'll hibernate! 'Cept for when I have to shop for us both
Ok Saffie, just like me you are not young enough! lol
I must say, I have seen so many of your posts and I admire you for the empathy you have shown to others and \I think you deserve hundreds of hugs and I hope you can feel mine winging its way to you x
I must say, I have seen so many of your posts and I admire you for the empathy you have shown to others and \I think you deserve hundreds of hugs and I hope you can feel mine winging its way to you
xYoung - me?! not so Sharon!
I too have found the cards I received so gratifying too, especially those from people with whom my husband worked and spent time with and those he or we have not seen for many a year.
Neighbours though - I live in a small close and have lived here for nearly 34 years and others for longer yet only a couple have spoken, even to ask how he has been over the past 4 years. So yes, even a hug would have been nice.
Still would be, come to that.
I know people don't like to 'intrude' but some don't like to appear needy either and as you say, wallow in grief - and I'm one of those. So I guess I really only have myself to blame.
(I leave any wallowing for TP!
Sparky, I hope you keep some of your friends. Those that stay the course and support you are worth all the ones that disappear.
Hi Chuggalug, people who do not experience the terrible grief dementia brings do not understand enough to empathise enough xxx
Don't look here either, Sharon. I've been set in me ways for years!
Saddest thing is that my hubby loved bikes and bikers for years and was one of a few groups that were about. Went camping, went on air trips to Romania, met lots of people. Now he's down on his uppers, as he used to call it, not one soul comes to comfort him.
I know people don't understand the delusions and accusations that the illness brings, but hey, a phone call wouldn't go amiss. But that never happens from any of the old crowd.
Ne'mind! We've still got somewhere warm to live and huddle away in, so huddle, we will. And when it's winter, we'll hibernate! 'Cept for when I have to shop for us both
Ach, I edited that post and meant to say "aid trips to Romania"!
Anyone got a keyboard that can spell? I'm still having hassles with mine
Wolfsgirl, you're right. That's exactly the problem, and Saffie, I saw your former message. You're welcome, xx
Yes I am finding exactly the same thing .my wife is suffering the middle stages of Alzheimer's and slowly but surely friends and neighbours are not calling any more just when you need them most, of course there are still a small amount ant relatives who stand by and help as they always have.to me this gives truth to the saying you get to know who your TRUE friends are. I wonder if those ex friends know things are likely to get worse and don't want to get involved or is it some kind of misguided respect, of course there is no longer much meaninngfull conversation with my wife after a few minutes chat as the "Hostess Mode" wears off .and as is normal it seems this Hostess Mode period is becoming much shorter. I have to so the attitude of the absent friends has really surprised me and I can no longer look at them in the same light. The thing that hurts 're most is when my wife remarks about not seeing this or that person for a while then fortunately she forgets a few minutes later about her remark.sorry to go on a bit but it is yet another upsetting aspect of this awful desease.
Hello @slim-jim
It does hurt when friends disappear. If only they knew how much a short regular visit would help both you and your wife, perhaps they would think differently.
People are strange. Either they are frightened of illness or don`t want to intrude. I have phoned friends with cancer in the past and it`s been made clear they do not want visitors so have stayed away. Now covid has added another obstacle.
If you do get the opportunity to tell some of your stay away friends how much you both would appreciate a short visit it may let them know they will not be considered intrusive.
It does hurt when friends disappear. If only they knew how much a short regular visit would help both you and your wife, perhaps they would think differently.
People are strange. Either they are frightened of illness or don`t want to intrude. I have phoned friends with cancer in the past and it`s been made clear they do not want visitors so have stayed away. Now covid has added another obstacle.
If you do get the opportunity to tell some of your stay away friends how much you both would appreciate a short visit it may let them know they will not be considered intrusive.
I’m afraid it’s not just dementia that shows us which people can’t cope with adversity in other people’s lives, and who our true friends are. The first time for me was when I was 29 and my mother died. When my sister had a stroke and lost her speech, she lost many, and some of her longest known friends. They just never rang or saw her.
But then, over the last couple of years, some friends have stood by us. The people who can’t face up to life’s problems are eventually the losers, because they too will have issues, and not have learnt the tools to cope with them.
After saying all that, of course it’s hard. And I’m not always philosophical.
But then, over the last couple of years, some friends have stood by us. The people who can’t face up to life’s problems are eventually the losers, because they too will have issues, and not have learnt the tools to cope with them.
After saying all that, of course it’s hard. And I’m not always philosophical.
Hello. Oh yes there is nothing like Alzheimers to put friends off. Recently I took my wife to see a friend of 40 years. This lady is a widow and has lived alone for about 20 years but has a good circle of friends. She had not seen my wife for about three years and I could see the shock caused by my wife's condition. We were served with a portion of gateau decorated with strawberries. My wife abandoned her fork to eat the gateau with her hands and then collected the strawberries and offered them to me and her friend. I had difficulty keeping a straight face as I declined the strawberries. The friend also declined with a shocked look on her face. That was about two months ago and we haven't heard from her since. I don't really blame her.
You paint a vivid picture @john1939 and one to which many of us can relate.
Many (perhaps most) people confronted with a long-term friend who has dementia seem to put their own needs and feelings first. Odd behaviour will not be tolerated if it breaks some sort of social norm. Instead of adapting to the behaviour of their friend - or trying to show some empathy to them or their partner - they continue to expect 'normal' behaviour. I saw this attitude towards my wife when her sister criticised her for not keeping the bathroom up to her standard of cleanliness. The former work colleagues (friends since the 1970s) who were keen to visit her went to the care home only once. They did not find the person they remembered, although she was (and is) still there in flashes. It was all about their needs not hers.
This is not a criticism of what is everyone's natural tendency. Losing friends and family is almost inevitable. Unexpectedly, for my wife, they have been replaced by a different and more useful type of friend in the caring staff (and other residents) of her care home.
Many (perhaps most) people confronted with a long-term friend who has dementia seem to put their own needs and feelings first. Odd behaviour will not be tolerated if it breaks some sort of social norm. Instead of adapting to the behaviour of their friend - or trying to show some empathy to them or their partner - they continue to expect 'normal' behaviour. I saw this attitude towards my wife when her sister criticised her for not keeping the bathroom up to her standard of cleanliness. The former work colleagues (friends since the 1970s) who were keen to visit her went to the care home only once. They did not find the person they remembered, although she was (and is) still there in flashes. It was all about their needs not hers.
This is not a criticism of what is everyone's natural tendency. Losing friends and family is almost inevitable. Unexpectedly, for my wife, they have been replaced by a different and more useful type of friend in the caring staff (and other residents) of her care home.
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when my great-aunt was diagnosed with alzheimers, my great-uncle wrote my nan[her sister] a letter telling her of the diagnosis and if she appeared odd or showing different behaviour, dont blame her as its the disease in her head making her do strange things. at least my nan was prepared and she didnt confront her sister like maybe she would have done if not received the letter.
