Losing friends

[Old Flopsy]

Hi @northumbrian_k - yes that is so true- the carers in the home my OH now lives in have been wonderful with him and such an incredible support to me too- the understand dementia- unlike many friends who don't have any experience and seen incapable of accepting that things will only get worse. It's as if they want me to say 'oh he's a lot better now', but I can't.

 

[Banjomansmate]

Of course we see it from the point of view of ourselves as carers and on behalf of our loved one with dementia but it can be difficult for the friends too as they don’t necessarily have the patience and understanding that we have. One of The Banjoman’s friends, who had been supportive while he was still in his flat, stopped visiting him in the care home after he told him to “F*** off”, once when he was still in hospital and then frustrated and in a bad mood at the home. I understood it was the dementia that caused it but the friend took it personally and felt he didn’t want to make the journey to the home only to face that sort of reaction and in a way I couldn’t blame him.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

This is just my opinion but I think it's like this:

For casual friends, old work colleagues, etc, when they hear their old friend has dementia, they just write that person off as if they were dead. As far as they are concerned, the person they knew has now gone and that's that. For us, we know the person we love is 'going' but they are still there somewhere and we're still attached with all our memories. Casual friends just don't have that ongoing connection so to them it's all over and there's no point them having further contact.

Of course, it's also much easier for them to take this view than to actually look further/try harder so you find out who your real friends are. It also shows a shocking disregard for the other half of the couple because unfortunately they get dropped too.

Perhaps the truth is that no one really likes being around people with dementia. Carers/spouses just don't have the choice.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that - I hope I haven't caused offence.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Good time friends - they evaporate quickly when your struggling.
It’s then easy to not to want to feel that hurt / rejected & become insular

Hateful disease dementia

 

[AbbyGee]

Perhaps the truth is that no one really likes being around people with dementia. Carers/spouses just don't have the choice.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that - I hope I haven't caused offence.

@Jaded'n'faded - you may have hit the nail right on the head there.

I've found people either don't know what to say, how to speak to my OH, ignore him completely, or speak in a patronising babyish way. "Hello <name>, how are you today?'. Well, du'h ... how do you expect him to be? Why not try 'Hello <name>, that's nice shirt!' or something along those lines, asked in a natural and friendly voice.

Maybe their reticence to speak comes from their embarrassment of NOT knowing how to deal with the situation and I can't really blame them for that but I want to shout 'It's HIM, he's still the same person. Give him a bit of dignity, will you!'.

Of our closest friends (the very few we have now) - I have got them into the mindset of not asking direct questions but rather to open a conversation and work it from there and just go with the flow.

Bliddy 'ard work, innit?