Looks Like a Downwards Spiral

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Grannie G, Feb 10, 2007.

  1. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,089
    Kent
    I offloaded details of our dreadful day, yesterday. Sorry to be a pain, but today is going to be no better.

    My husband woke this morning aware he`d had a bad day yesterday, although he could remember no details.

    He now wants to stay indoors and hide away from the world. He is so ashamed and embarrassed, [because he thinks he is `mental`] he wants to take some tablets so he sleeps and doesn`t wake up.

    He asked if he hurt anyone, if he had been violent and I said he had done no harm, only fretted about money. This triggered a memory, and now we can`t find his Building Society Passbook. We have searched the house and don`t know where else to look.

    He is sitting in front of the fire, with his head in his hands and I have no idea how to help him.

    Sylvia x
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Sylvia have sent a PM, but reading this my suggestion will be no good.
    Should you ring the Building Society and make them aware the book has been mislaid? Or is it in walkable distance - could you walk there together and report it missing?
    You said yesterday that he had £80 in his wallet - is it possible that he went to the Building Society yesterday? If it's miles away that might be a ridiculous idea, but not knowing, I thought I would ask the question.
    Sylvia, don't think of it as a spiral, but a dip - two bad days on the trot doesn't mean it is going to continue this way - concentrate on getting through today in one piece.
    Take care. Thinking of you both.
    Love Helen
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,089
    Kent
    Dear Helen,

    The book has been mislaid. It is in the house somewhere, because he didn`t go out yesterday, once he`d got the papers.

    There were some `good` plastic carrier bags in the spare room. I think he was planning to pack some things and go, but was unable to do so. He has done this before.

    I hope it`s just a `dip`. Thank you for caring. Love Sylvia x
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Sylvia, love,

    I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. Your husband sounds so depressed, and it must be agony for you to watch his suffering.

    I know you don't want to hear this, and your husband doesn't want it, but you do need help. If your husband is suicidal, or thinking of walking out, he needs counselling, medication, or both. In the meantime he needs lots of love amd hugs, but I'm sure you're giving him that already.

    I'm sure you know that the most dangerous time is when he is beginning to feel better, and is able to take action.

    I'm sure Helen's right, and this is just a dip, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear. I so wish I could help.

    Lots of love and hugs,
     
  5. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    I wonder sometimes if the way to help is to 'allow' the feelings - I think we all tend to want to be proactive/reactive in lifting someone when they are down ... I've certainly learnt with mum that when she's down I just have to let her weep - for as long as she wants .... including walking away and 'letting her get on with it' (sounds cruel I know) but over many years even pre-dementia ..... I've learnt she DOES get over it in her own time .... and there's no point me wasting my emotional energies trying to make it otherwise before SHE is ready .....

    On the other hand, whilst mum often seems to lose the will to live that's very different to suggesting taking action .... I guess there is very much an element here of having to keep him 'safe from himself'..... which is yet more anxiety for you....

    Sylvia, you say your hubby has done this before .... can you recall how you got through it the last time and what you can take from that - if it's just the confidence that you DID get through it and therefore can again?

    I'm sorry I can't seem to find much of substance to help other than to let you know I am thinking of you, and please keep us up to date.

    Love, Karen, x
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,089
    Kent
    Dear Hazel, Thank you.

    I know he needs counselling but he won`t accept it. The thought of unburdening himself to a stranger is against everything he stands for. He thinks it`s up to him. He is already on anti-depressants and they have worked well . If I could get him to our GP, who he has faith in, I might be able to get the dose increased, but for now, it`s highly unlikely.

    Today, I`m going to see our grandchildren in a Concert. My husband doesn`t want to go. Our son is taking me and then coming to sit with his dad. My husband has hit the roof. He doesn`t want a baby sitter, he can look after himself, I am making him worse by telling people he can`t be left alone. I should have taken my own advice and given him no advance warning.

    Now he is sleeping, of feigning sleep. I think, when our son comes, he wants me to tell him to go home because his dad`s asleep.

    Love Sylvia x
     
  7. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    625
    North East
    Hi Sylvia

    It must be an awful time for you, feeling as though you are living on the edge of your nerves.

    Mum went through a stage of saying she was going to take an overdose, but thankfully never even attempted it. In hindsight, I think it was her way of wanting our attention but not really knowing how to ask for it.

    I do hope that you manage to relax and enjoy your grandchildren's concert

    Take care

    Libs
     
  8. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I do hope you go and have a lovely evening , easy for me to say I know .


    When I first started to look after my mother , she became very cling to me hated it when I went out and left her with one of my daughter . I am saying this because it brought back a memory when my mother would also


    Oh and I would also make that mistake in telling her to far head that I was going out , or wanting a rest and she had to go to respite , now she ok if I go out , but respite I have to tell her the night before .

    If anything like my house when my mum lose something or me , if seem to trun up when I am not looking for it xx
     
  9. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Oh Sylvia, how I well remember those times, feigning sleep, not wanting to go out.
    It will pass, maybe to be replaced by something else I know, but nothing stays the same for too long.

    I know that doesn't help you when you are caught in the middle of it.
    Am inclined to agree with Karen about letting them have some space to "get over it".
    We do rush in to placate as we never wish to see them 'down' or 'feeling alone', but it might work.

    Hope you have a pleasant evening, love 'n hugs
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,089
    Kent
    Is it all an act?

    Well I went to the concert. Our son picked me up and took me, it was a 30 minute journey each way. My husband didn`t want to come, he was too cold.

    The concert was wonderful. It was called Nostalgia, and showed a history, since 1980, of the Performing Arts School our grandchildren attend. It included excerpts from Daddy Long Legs, Sleeping Beauty, Peter Pan, The Boy Friend, Ballet Shoes, Annie, and Alice in Wonderland, with a Finale from all the Mothers.

    Our son came to take me home and my husband had come too. Our son said he`d been fine, perfectly normal behaviour and chat. Some confusion but no sign of a depressed state. No change from how he usually is.

    We arrived home, my husband got changed didn`t answer me when I spoke, and is now sitting with a cold compress on his head, being ill.

    Believe me, he gets plenty of space and is getting even more now.

    I thought he couldn`t help it, but can he?

    Thank you all for your concern. I will cool down soon.

    Love Sylvia x
     
  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Concert sounds lovely

     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland

    Dear Sylvia

    Glad you enjoyed the concert, it sounds lovely. What did your grandchildren do? It must be wonderful for you to watch them.

    I don't know what to say about your husband. Is he winding you up? I suppose you'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

    Either way, it doesn't reduce the stress on you. If he is attention-seeking, ignoring him is best. But you don't know, do you? Awful situation.

    Stay strong, I'm thinking of you.

    Love,
     
  13. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Is it all an act?

    Sylvia, so pleased you enjoyed the concert....

    ..... my mum was well able to give 'Oscar winning theatricals' long before any concerns about her memory - I've been party to several 'good performances' without ever attending a concert :D

    Trouble is, now how do I/we know whether it IS a 'performance' or a genuine cry for help .....

    Hmmmm, there's a 'possesion' thing here too been mooted with me before .... that even her grandchild gets in the way of her having my undivided attention ....??? Was that some of what was going on this afternoon .....? Isn't it tragic your hubby (like my mum) can't seem to enjoy granchildren but appear to resent them because they are diverting attention?

    So, hubby is now ill? .... is aware enough he needs or wants (or both) a cold compress even if that only provides the associated attention ....???? That is NOT the manner of a person who is suicidal and wants to die but a person who seeks some comfort .... I guess the problem is .... what comfort ... and how to give..... or even dare not to ......

    Just thoughts....

    Love, Karen, x
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,089
    Kent
    Hi Hazel and Karen,

    Poorly husband has just made me a cup of coffee.
    I think he needs attention and sympathy. Well he gets plenty of both, but not just now!!! If he can make an effort for our son, he can make an effort for me.

    The children were lovely. The girls were in the chorus, but our grandson thinks he is Billy Elliot. He was the wicked witch in Sleeping Beauty and played it for all it was worth. He has an audition at the Marlowe in Canterbury tomorrow. People were invited to audition, had to pay £20, but were guaranteed a part. The part gives them the opportunity to rehearse with professionals. He got a part as a monkey, but has been invited back for another audition.

    Such a shame my husband can`t get any pleasure from it.

    Thanks everyone. I`m feeling strong. Love Sylvia x
     
  15. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Sylvia

    Glad you're feeling strong.

    You must be so proud of your grandchildren -- it's great you have something positive to focus on.

    Hope the audition goes well.

    Love,
     
  16. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Well I trust it's the speciality one that mum makes for me occasionally - just not the same without a tea-bag thrown in for good measure!!!! ;)

    Can I have your grandson's autograph now?

    Methinks, the world needs a whole load more Billy Elliots and their spirit!!!!

    Well done him (and his sisters - we all know what's it's like being in the supporting roles!) ... well done you ... tomorrow ... as you said... is another day...

    Enjoy your cuppa!!!!!

    Love, Karen, x
     
  17. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    Dear Sylvia,
    I noticed that my mother seemed to be "ill" whenever she knew that my children were home from University or work, and I stopped telling her in advance when they were coming, so it was a surprise for her to see them.
    It always spoilt our Christmas holidays and in the end I used to dread family occasions, because I knew Mum would become "ill". She always recovered quickly once they had left.
    I think Mum quite likes all the attention she gets from the staff in the Nursing Home and I don't find her so demanding now.
    I'm glad you enjoyed your grandchildren's performance.
    Best wishes
    Kayla
     
  18. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Oh Sylvia, know the Marlow well, from a different life. Well done to the grandson.

    I thought he couldn`t help it, but can he?

    For what it is worth Sylvia, he can't. Would that they were able to differenciate?

    I would give anything, to realise that Lionel was in control of his emotions. iF HE COULD CONTROL THEM, HE WOULD HAVE CONTROL.. He doesn't, hubby doesn't, we just have to make the best of it.

    Every day that passes I realise, We have to enter their world, we cannot expect them to understand ours. Hard, but true. Love,
     
  19. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    GG it s really a pain.. no simple answers I suspect... I lost it a bit tonight and in a way it helped.. the trouble or so it seems to me is that beside the very genuine fears and worries is a degree of manipulation... perhaps like children do or adults who crave attention...
    after my having 'lost it' she became more 'reasonable ' what ever that means...

    Had almost a week of threatening suicide, distrust, hate and now she wants to lean on my shoulder whilst I write this post on the laptop... cannot read it at all but the (I suspect) crocodile tears are still apparent... Frankly it's a bitch and I see no way of separating the imagined reality and perceived reality and reality... who knows? who can hear you scream in space? but that assumes you have space and lets face it most of us don't...

    Bit too much red wine and a touch of the blues.......
     
  20. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,089
    Kent
    It Has Been a Hard Lesson

    I hpoe you don`t all think I`m going on too much about my own personal position, but I have accused my poor husband of manipulation and I think I`ve been grossly unfair.

    The more I isolated myself from him, the more confused and agitated he became. He could not understand why I was behaving as I was, he didn`t know what he`d done wrong.

    He told me he would stop being a burden, he would leave for India tomorrow.He would make the journey by train. He asked where the luggage was kept, said he would pack tomorrow as it was too dark.

    I realized I was being cruel. He really couldn`t help his behaviour and because he has no memory, he couldn`t rectify anything, even if he had felt he had been wrong.

    All I can do now is try to remember for next time.

    Thanks for bearing with me. Love Sylvia x
     

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