Looking into care home placement - feel like Judas

[Merrymaid]

Mum is not settling straight away

I knew it would take some time but it is so hard right now when she pleads to come home. I can see when I first go in that she is really ok but she is constantly asking 'Are we going home now?', with intermittent tears too. Having said that there are some residents who have been there for years who are coming up to me and asking the same thing.

I washed, cut & styled her hair today & it gave me a little respite as she loves having this done.

But as I was leaving she started to move towards a full on tantrum of old.

I had to just be firm and walk out.

Felt really teary when I got home, keep reminding myself she will settle, she was like this when she first went to day care. But goodness it pulls at your heart strings.....

 

[Merrymaid]

Mum appears to be adapting to CH

Just came back from a visit with Mum having stayed away for a few days & just telephoned staff for updates. She was bright & cheerful on my arrival, and straight away started asking about going home. I had planned for this though & had taken some nail varnish in & a manicure set. I told her that she wasn't coming home today and that it would be nice to talk about some other news I had for her. She did return to the topic a couple of times but was easily diverted onto other subjects. When I had finished her nails I stayed for a little chat, but left after about half an hour. She accepted this and waved me off quite happily. Hopefully she has turned a corner & future visits can be this pleasant too!

 

[Merrymaid]

Another happy visit ;D

Just back from another pleasant visit with Mum. I baked a cake for the residents & staff of her unit. This went down well! We sat an chatted about a pictoral history book she was looking at on the Queen Mum, a favourite of hers. She again brought up the subject of coming home but was happy to have the subject changed, and when it was time for me to go home, she pleasantly thanked me for coming, bless her. I am so relieved that she seems to have turned a corner. Fingers crossed

 

[Merrymaid]

Settling down time for both of us................

Not sure if anyone is still reading this thread but thought I would leave at least one more update. Mum has been in the CH for a few weeks now and although we occasionally have a visit that is a bit upsetting when she still asks to go home, not her last home a distant memory home. The majority of our visits are happy and pleasant. She has new friends and appears content.

 

[Witzend]

Thank goodness - you must be so relieved. And it must be a comfort for anyone contemplating a CH, and dreading the final decision, to read posts like this.

 

[Pickles53]

Merrymaid, I'm so glad that things are generally good for your mum. I can't say the same, alas. Although the staff are taking good care of mum, she is unhappy most of the time and barely eating. She seems to have given up. I am racking my brains before every visit to think of something, anything to talk to her about, show her, do with her to try and get a response or a flicker of interest. There was a church service today conducted by two lovely, thoughtful people including a pianist who played some old familiar hymns. How sad that mum, who was a regular churchgoer, didn't seem to be able to recognise or follow the service at all.

I know that she is a million times safer than if she were at home so despite all of this I know that we have made the right decision. I only have to imagine her sitting at home, unable to move without two carers to help her, especially at night, to know there is no feasible alternative.

 

[Gigglemore]

Merrymaid - it has been so nice to read your "good news" on this thread and hope your Mum continues to do well.

Pickles53 - saddened to read that your Mum did not respond to the hymns, it would have been so positive for you if you could have started playing a few recordings during your visits to get her to hum or sing along. Horrible depressing disease.

 

[Pickles53]

Merrymaid - it has been so nice to read your "good news" on this thread and hope your Mum continues to do well.

Pickles53 - saddened to read that your Mum did not respond to the hymns, it would have been so positive for you if you could have started playing a few recordings during your visits to get her to hum or sing along. Horrible depressing disease.

Thsnks for your kind words, Gigglemore. We keep trying, have downloaded some Gilbert & Sullivan as she used to sing in an amateur choir which put on concert performances of those shows. Maybe, just maybe....

She does like it when I take my little grandson along, but then can't understand why he can't be there every day.

 

[Merrymaid]

Mixed blessings

Mum has settled really well in the care home now. It is so pleasant to visit her & she is so happy to see me these days. I was really glad that I knew Mum was safe & cared for when my daughter finally went into labour two weeks late. I was able to be with my daughter throughout a long 24 hour labour which resulted in her having a beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately she suffered a huge bleed & lost over half her blood. She was rushed into theatre for an emergency transfusion. It was a very worrying time and while I waited anxiously for her to come out of the operation I reflected how the place in the CH had come at just the right time for both Mum & Me, I couldn't have coped with what was happening with my daughter & managed Mum's care. Thankfully my daughter came out of the operation well and has made gradual progress over the past few weeks. I have been fortunate enough to be able to spend a couple of weeks staying with her as she convalesces & adjusts to her new son. None of this could have happened if we hadn't found the CH place. On top of that I just heard that I have secured my dream job to start in the new year. It almost makes me believe that everything happens for a reason

 

[brambles]

How lovely to hear your mum has settled in so well to the care home.
Congratulations on your new grandson and new job. I hope your daughter soon recovers to full strength. Wonderful that you could be with her when she really needed you.

Brambles x

 

[Emomam]

The right place at the right time

I am so pleased that things have worked out for you. I believe in fate and have just been through the same thing with my mum. She has settled in very well and is much happier in the care home than she was with me at home.

She loves her surroundings, bedroom, people and the food and is always happy to see me. We have lovely visits and like you I visit mum most days. She has only been there for 3 weeks but I am just beginning to relax. My poor husband has been ignored for the last 5 years and has been my rock throughout all the ups and downs. But it's our time now.

Family will always come first and I'm glad you now have time for your daughter and grandson. You made the right decision at the right time that has benefited everyone.

 

[Merrymaid]

What a difference a year makes!

Thanks Brambles, Emomam & Piph for your good wishes. I just wanted to tell our tale as it has turned out much better than I could possibly have imagined. This time last year was probably the lowest point I have felt whilst caring for Mum as she has progressed through various stages of this awful disease. I could not see any positives in the future for either of us. I felt trapped like so many on this forum in a diminishing world, but things are much brighter for both of us now. I get to spend pleasant quality visits with Mum where we laugh & have a little dance, style her hair, do her nails or just giggle like school girls. I cherish these visits as I know this precious period is not going to last forever, but now at least I can carve out time & have the energy to enjoy them. I found it so difficult to make the decision to accept a CH placement for Mum but I am so convinced now that the time was right for both of us.