Looking for ways to calm mum down

[Jamerajane]

Hi - in new to this forum, infact new to looking for support for my mum who has Alzheimer’s. She is at my sisters atm as my dad is having to isolate after being exposed to COVID in hospital. She is disoriented, restless and confused as to why she is there, where dad is etc.
I guess I need suggestions for getting through the next week or so, and then to know what support there is for when she returns home ? Great to find this forum and not feel so alone

 

[JH62]

Hi
I am new to the forum too (joined today) and have both parents with different forms of dementia. I have leant (following advice from Alzheimer's UK) not to argue or to try to correct, but to deflect, or agree and then change the subject - sometimes it works and it at least saves that confrontation and especially as my mum can be nasty and physical. Sometimes walking out of the room helps, plus in terms of getting them to do things - they seem to respond better to my husband for some reason - so anything I need them to do, I get him to tell them and then in their heads, its all ok. Annoying for me, but it sometimes works. Mine have different types of dementia and so are presenting differently and have had the illness for differing lengths of time. Its a juggling act - I take the good moments when they comer and try and banish the bad ones to that compartment in my head that stays shut. I've also leant to tweak the truth (again something I was 'given permission' to do by The Alzheimer's society) to avoid a confrontation. Its helps knowing I was not just lying but making a choice to keep them safe and avoid upset. Hoping to learn some more tips and tricks from this forum. My best to all. Jo

 

[Babsicle]

Helen10, I have just read through this thread and my heart goes out to you. It is so difficult being torn between minding your mum and your little girls. You have been doing amazingly. But maybe something has to give for your sake.
The guilt is huge when you allow your mum to go into care, it’s a whole other kind of difficult. It’s hard for you given what she said about caring for her own mum. I have made it absolutely clear to my kids that if I ever get Alzheimer’s, I don’t want them to be my carers and I want to be in care. I don’t want them to ever experience the stress, panic, awful sadness and guilt that I have. My mum is in a specialist place and while I understand your concerns about distance; it still might be the best thing for your mum, hard as it would be for you and your Dad. With FaceTime available, he could still see her regularly, most places facilitate this. But this is so much for you and your family to take. I was away so much with my mum(she refused to leave her house) that my youngest girls really suffered, when I got back at night I was too exhausted to think and I wasn’t there for them as they needed, which added to the guilt. I think you just have to accept the guilt as something that comes with the territory and keep reminding yourself of everything you have done for her and your dad. Which is a lot. Mind yourself.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @JH62 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. It sounds like you have a very difficult job trying to juggle the needs of both your parents. I hope you have some support in doing so.

 

[Helen10]

@Jamerajane @Babsicle @JH62 welcome to the forum-you will get lots of support and positive advice on here. Everyone has been so caring and welcoming. If you could have a hug via messages then this forum is what it would feel like.

we had a bad afternoon with mum. She’s gone from too sedated to too agitated in 2 days! It’s a fine balance. I’ve taken heed of the advice on here. I can see the impact it is having not just on me but on the kids. Mum would hate to know how much stress she is causing. Not sure what the solution is yet but just know this isn’t sustainable in the long run.
As always, thanks for the care and support and much needed and gratefully received hugs ?

 

[Helen10]

What causes those kick off moments where they are swearing and shouting and banging doors? I wish I could preempt those so that we can avoid that period where mum thinks everything is awful and hates everyone.
It’s a thankless task isn’t it. Spent the whole day cleaning and washing etc and then mum kicks off. Hard work on a Saturday night ???

 

[Woo2]

Sometimes you can figure out the cause other times there seems no reason . Sorry you are having a difficult time . ?

 

[quickstepqueen]

Oh Helen. I've just read this whole thread and my heart breaks for you. The amount of stress you are under is unbelievable. I feel exhausted just reading about it. I have no idea how you are living through this.
My first thought was to try and speak with your dad alone. Explain to him how you are struggling. That you truly understand he wants to keep his wife at home with him but you're at breaking point. You are only human. You are not giving up on her but you do need a break. Ask why your dad wants to keep her at home. Is it separation anxiety? Is he worried how he'll manage without her? Is he worried about guilt if she goes into a home? If your mum had a broken leg and couldn't manage the stairs and needed respite would he allow it? Remind him that she has something "broken" but it's not visible and so she should receive the same care. Could your dad imagine what he'd be saying to his wife if she was living your life? Could he put himself in your husband's shoes? Sometimes caring and loving for someone brings difficult choices.
Even if a suitable care home was found nearby, with covid, would you be able to visit anyway? So maybe a home further away isn't out of the question?

You are juggling so many balls, spinning too many plates. You're being carer, parent, employee. But when were you the undistracted mum, wife or Helen? I'd hate for you to come crashing down. Then where would everyone be? As a carer you can request a carer's assessment from social services, so your needs are taken into account.

It's just so hard. You want to do your best for everyone but it's physically impossible to do. You are doing an amazing job caring for both your parents, your husband is clearly very supportive and I'm so pleased you've found this forum. I hope you can find a way forward that will help ease the pressures. Sending you virtual strength to get through today. One day at a time Helen.

 

[Sarasa]

Your mother might be sun downing. I wonder if this information might help Sundowning and dementia | Alzheimer's Society
My mother could flip in an instant. She'd appear to be fine and then she'd be a ranging monster. Although I never saw mum be physically violent she did threaten it, and this is what concerns me about your mum at the moment, living in a house with two small children. I never found out what caused mum's rages, but it was often appeared to be connected with her getting an obsession with something and when she couldn't fix it the way she wanted she went into a meltdown.
I think @quickstepqueen has given you some you some excellent advice. This is a situation that can't continue as it is without one of you getting hurt either physically or emotionally.

 

[jules38]

With my dad we would just go along with what he said. Never bite back at them and disagree. You keep calm and they will to. To them what they see is real so just go with it. Do something she used to enjoy. Their minds begin to regress back with the illness so do things with her from the past.

 

[MaNaAk]

Dear @Helen10,

I'm still thinking of you and I think you need to start planning what help you can get now. I think you need to have a quiet word with your dad and maybe even go with your dad to the doctors to discuss some options for your mum.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[canary]

@Helen10 - I really an extremely concerned about you. Carer breakdown is a very real thing. Ive had it twice in my life, once just over a year ago and the other about 25 years ago after OH got a brain injury due to a car accident. OH was no longer able to work, I lost my job, we nearly lost the house and (worst of all) the children nearly got taken into care.
Please please dont risk it. You cant maintain what you are doing long term and my daughter is still affected by what happened then.

 

[Helen10]

Thanks all for your posts and suggestions. I have a review meeting booked in with mum’s social worker and nurse. I will see what ideas they have to help.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Helen10, I was wondering how things are. Have you had the review meeting yet? Thinking of you as you negotiate the minefield of trying to keep everyone happy.

 

[Helen10]

@Sarasa thanks for your message. We have had a difficult week with mum due to medication changes. She has been really unsettled/anxious/upset and we have yet to get the balance right. Hopefully lots of little tweaks will unlock that magic mixture to help keep mum happy and calm.

hope you are well.

 

[Helen10]

Well it has all kicked off here in the last two hours. Mum doesn’t recognise dad and has kicked off at him. Dad (79) having to now sleep downstairs on couch. I’m having to sleep in next to mum as she will wake in the night and be disorientated and need help getting to the bathroom. Poor dad. I’m lying here next to mum. She is now asleep. I’m wide awake and crying. I know she can’t help it but my goodness this is so upsetting and frustrating. After a long and difficult week with her, this is the icing on the cake...
Hx ?

 

[jennifer1967]

oh helen 10, sorry to hear that your mum has not been easy regarding your dad. maybe she will calm down today. your poor dad on the sofa is not great. sometimes it can be impossible to deal with.

 

[Sarasa]

I'm going to be very direct and tough here. This just can't go on. I know you promised your father to look after your mum and too avoid her going into a care home, but that is where she needs to be. I'm sure the medication, will in the end, help keep her a little calmer, but it won't cure her not being able to recognised your father or understand what is happening to her.
If it was just you and her or you, her and your dad maybe things could carry on a little longer. However you have your husband and two young children to consider, and you are trying to hold down a job.
Please phone the emergency social worker this morning or if your mother is still very unsettled 111.
You are just as important as your mum, but it sounds that you are in danger of having a breakdown over this, and if you do you'll be no help to anyone.

{{{{{@helen10}}}}}

 

[MaNaAk]

Your mother might be sun downing. I wonder if this information might help Sundowning and dementia | Alzheimer's Society
My mother could flip in an instant. She'd appear to be fine and then she'd be a ranging monster. Although I never saw mum be physically violent she did threaten it, and this is what concerns me about your mum at the moment, living in a house with two small children. I never found out what caused mum's rages, but it was often appeared to be connected with her getting an obsession with something and when she couldn't fix it the way she wanted she went into a meltdown.
I think @quickstepqueen has given you some you some excellent advice. This is a situation that can't continue as it is without one of you getting hurt either physically or emotionally.

There's a leaflet on dealing with aggression and challenging behaviour. My advice would be to see if she has an infection and when lockdown ends to see what is available locally to get more help. Do you think you might be able to some help if not carers? I know you don't want anyone to come into the house.

MaNaAk

 

[Helen10]

Thank you @Sarasa @MaNaAk for your concern and suggestions