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I really really really don’t think you should feel woefully inadequate as a daughter.....I think you said in a post how your mum would hate to know the stress she’s causing.... my heart goes out to you. I’m no expert but it sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond and your ‘real’ mum before the illness would be proud and understanding? XJust to update as haven’t posted for a while. The last few weeks have been overwhelming. We had a meeting with mum’s social worker and nurse today and they are actively looking at nursing homes with a view to mum moving there in the next few weeks.
Don’t think I have the words to explain how I feel. Feeling woefully inadequate as a daughter. Hopefully mum’s transition will be calm.
Hope everyone is ok
Hello Helen, my dad was 86 last week and we’ve just been told he has dementia......now it has a name .
We have been trying to cope on our own for a very long time and I know exactly how you feel, in fact I said the same thing to my closest friend today.
Dad has had so many falls, today’s has resulted in a huge bump on his head and broken ribs. I spent 2 hours with him on the floor before the ambulance came and he’s at home with me in agony now. I can’t protect him and I can’t make him better.
I promised him I would never let him go in a home but there comes a point when as a son or daughter, despite all your best efforts you can’t keep them safe.
My heart breaks for you, it breaks for me too but please know you are not on your own love and your mum will be safe and cared for in the best possible way.
It’s all very easy to say, here I am feeling just like you. You know you’ve done your very best Helen but let the professionals hold your hand and support you through this, we have no choice do we and that’s what they are here to do.
Sending you much love and hugs x
There is a running theme in dementia related Care. That of " guilt ". Failure against all odds to maintain an equilibrium of ongoing Care, a nagging sense of betrayal, a frustrating accusatory finger pointing at your inadequacy. Added to this is the actual physical removal of a loved one to another place as if by proxy. All in all there is a wretched sense of helpless ' grief ' because what was seemingly in control despite all the challenges, is no longer the case. All of that person centred care is removed along with the loved one concerned. That is a very powerful event in the caring journey.
At the end of the day you will know. Like climbing a mountain, one has to pause for breath. But when the impassable confronts you, then the decision is really made for you. " Guilt " remains a running theme in all of this because even when things become unmanageable you still say " l could do this despite everything " in your heart of hearts. Each day in dementia is different. You see this in the Care Home regularly. When a child is injured and your limits of care are inadequate you willingly invite those who can achieve that Care, nurse or doctor and so on. No " guilt" enters your mind. Dementia is much more subtle and much more profound, but it relates to the same " best interests " which apply to the injured child. You will know when that time comes. But hopefully not when it becomes both traumatic and subject to a blue light intervention. Let " guilt " be relegated to those moments when we forget that it is dementia which abuses our care and not the one it inhabits. That lesson is often a test of compassion and empathy in essence.We’ve had a calm weekend with mum. No fighting and only a few tearful incidents from mum. She even took herself to bed at 8pm tonight. Am I crazy to be considering calling off her move to a home? Advice and thoughts welcomed. My guilt seems to come in waves. Hx
I’m new to the forum and am looking for ideas about how to calm my mum down and distract her. She has advanced dementia and has mostly lost all concept of who we all are. She calls my dad her dad and thinks I’m a cousin, friend, work colleague.
She gets very distressed and sundowns every day where we have to deal with her trying to leave and arguing with us all. Slamming doors and not recognising anyone.
Medically, her doctor believes she is on the limit of what she can be on. I am therefore looking for ideas and ways to distract and calm her down.
Any messages of support and ideas are gratefully received.
We leafed through photo albums,
A lifetime all packed neatly into books. Trying to stir some memories.
Holidays, weddings, christmases, communion, playing in the snow, grandparents, fun times.
“Who is that?”she said as she looked at my younger self. “I recognise the face but I can’t place it.” A photo of me as a child, a teenager, a young adult.
We tried all ages.
She couldn’t place me. “It’s our Helen”, Dad said. “Ah is that our Hel.” Then she looks up and smiles and says “it’s our Hel.”
I say “I know mum. So who am I?” She said “are you my niece?”
No mum-I’m your Hel.
Helped her to bed. Undressed her like a child and found her pyjamas. “Ah you’re a good girl”, she says. “Goodnight God bless.”
Love you Mum x
No, you are not being irrational. The heart is a profound motivater in all this and the sheer notion of having to remove someone, especially a mother, from their natural home and environment seems plain wrong. Emotions can cloud the practicable course of action which falls into the idealistic " best interests " folder of Care. No, you persevere through love and beyond. But if that moment comes when all the efforts and the giving of Care is not enough, then you will probably know it.Thank you @Sarasa @MrsV @Hazara8 @Woo2 for your advice.
We’ve had yet another calm day with mum. I say that like it’s a bad thing and it’s really not. It just makes the decision all the more heart wrenching. When she is angry and shouting or being rude, it feels like I have a reason. When she’s sitting on the couch, calmly, I feel like the wicked witch of the west.
Whilst the logical me says ok it’s time and you need help, the emotional me is wracked with guilt, however irrational it seems.
Thanks for the support-much needed and welcomed and the forum is keeping me sane at the moment.
you havent failed your mum but have cared for her very much. dont look upon your dad telling lies in that sense but in love lies that will help your mum in the long term. could your dad change what he says to maybe in a few days then repeat as it might sound positive. your mum is in the best place getting the care she needs from a whole team of people rather than you and your dad trying to do everything. you are back to being her daughter. please be kind to yourselfIt’s 4.30am and I’m lying awake worrying about mum, dad, the kids and the toll this disease is taking on them all.
Spoke to mum’s social worker yesterday and it looks likely that any move to a care home will be April at the earliest. Mum begs every day to go home. Dad is currently lying to her every day saying we are trying to sort that out but really knowing that he won’t be going home with her. Mum doesn’t even know where ‘home’ is. She just knows it’s not my house. Wonder if she’ll ever feel contented again. She has lost the anger this week for the most part and it has been replaced by tears-lots and lots of inconsolable tears.
Can’t help but think I’m failing everyone and my best is just not good enough. Feeling very very low. Thank you all for your support.